~CHRONICLES OF THANKFULNESS~

Calm Assurance

2011-08-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

Lord God Jehovah, please hear my prayers??? Sweet Jesus, deliver my prayers on high, remember my name. My Lord, my sanctuary, there is no other God before You.

Steer me in the right direction, mark my path that I might find my way to Your Light. With the passing of each new day, I stand in the face of my fears. Satan is having a field day with me, heavenly Father. I seek Your face. I seek Your comforting arms. I seek Your face Jehovah.

I don't want to die, not just yet. I mean, I am not afraid of the process of death, I am simply terrified of leaving my children so very alone. Please Master, hear my cries. Please dearest Lord, hear me plead for the time to plant the right seeds. Allow me the time to undo all the bad and show them the way of Your blessings.

I ask You Jesus to command Your Angels to be posted by my family's side to guide them and keep them all safe. Let not Satan win this battle. Yes, this battle has been fought for so very long. Many times he won, sad to say and my family crumbled around me. Lest we forget Your many merciful blessings, Your precious Grace towards me and mine, give me time to lead by example, to affirm Your presence in our lives and work within these acts of faith. Let me have the time to give glory to Your Name. I will shout it from the rooftops.

Merciful Master, I ask for Your healing touch upon my broken body. Refresh my very spirit and please not allow me to die, giving Satan the win in this War. I've realized what a powerful soldier I was in his army. I did so many unspeakable things. I've been so ashamed and made low. My own family sees me as unforgivable. But the secret is that I am aware that it is just another tool Satan uses to kill me, mind, body and spirit.

No, he must not win this war, waged against myself and my family. Bless us and keep us, dearest Lord. Shine Your Light and show us the way. We are but blinded, deafened and made dumb. Now, give us ears to hear the truth. Remove the scales from our eyes so we might see the truth. And give us the words, wisdom and wherewithal to glorify Your Holy Name.

I seek Your face with such fervor. Stay close to me, my Father. Do not allow me to slip. Catch me as I fall. I know if it Your will, it will be done. May Your kingdom come soon. And again, I beg You to remember my name and save me from the final silence of death.

I praise Your holy Name and I give You thanks for the many everyday and ordinary blessings. So many of us tend to over look these simplest of blessings. I never want to forget or to take it all for granted ever again.

I am truly blessed, I am aware of it and so very thankful. Praise You Jehovah, praise Your holiest of Names. Amen & Amen

Dear Jehovah

2011-07-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

Lord, my kind and merciful Master, hear my prayers.

Heavenly Father, it would be so easy for Satan to win here. My own parents, whom I had the greatest respect for, have simple cut me away like a wart. This is not the first time, thus I should be used to it. But how do you get used to not being able to share your love, your life with your own Mother? You don't.

I ask you Jehovah to forgive my sins. I ask this fervently and I also ask for the courage to continue on. You know my heart, my Lord and you know my intentions as well as my intent. And so I turn to you for comfort and understanding. I run to you for calm assurance.

So many times, sweet Jesus, I have wanted to lash out and hurt them as they have so easily hurt me. So many times I wanted to tell them just how I have felt and what I think of their so called Christianity. I do not understand their way of thinking or their method in this madness. I know this much though; it is not based on Your Word, Lord.

So, sweet sweet Jesus, my salvation rests in You and I pray that You will be merciful. I pray that you will heal this family, this crisis. As well, I ask that You place Your Angels beside each and every member of my family, especially my grandbabies. Let Your light shine in their lives to guide them safely through this ever hastening latter days.

Yes, it is You Jehovah that leads me to still waters. I hear Your voice in the midst of it all. Stay with me and guide me, instruct me and help me lead my family to seek Your Face. I praise Your holy Name Jehovah. Amen & Amen

Black Sheep

2011-04-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

My Lord & Master,

Hear my prayers, deliver them to my Father. Forgive my many sins, transgressions, out & out pain filled undertakings.

I need You more today than yesterday. I appreciate You more today than yesterday. As I grow in Your Word, I begin to realize just how utterly lost I have been. But...now I am found.

You sent Your Angels to my home, these so despised "Jehovah's Witnesses," and what a gift this is/was. I fully understand now just why they are so despised. It is because they speak the truth and nothing but the truth. Their doctrine, proven time and time again, to me is based solely on Your Word. Satan does not want us to hear the truth thus they are despised so readily. If you think about it, he really knows how to play the game...but with one less participant...me!

I know that Jehovah has erased my sins as I have pleaded with Him for forgiveness. My Lord, if nothing else has a thing for weight and measure and for Justice in that respect. Therefore I know that He has weighed my heart and soul and knows that this pain I still endure is true and real.

Non the less, though it appears that forgiveness is everlasting, it feels unattainable, at least for me. This is my every day battle, my spiritual warfare. And my continued battle is to remember that forgiveness is mine too, not just every one else's.

Regardless of what my very own family might have me believe, just as Satan would have it, I do realize that forgiveness is mine, if only with the Father. It makes me realize the pain and burdens I caused and visited upon my family. Yes, it is a constant reminder of the consequences of my actions.

But for the life of me, I can not fathom my own family cutting me from the root of their family tree. How do you throw your own child to the wayside so easily as they have done? They have done this to me over and over for more than 35 plus years.

They see themselves as righteous church goers, the very foundation of the MIA. They will speak to the masses, write all the books, teach all the people all about my Lord...all the while, their own house is not in order.

In my darkest hour, they were pious. When I'd needed them most, they shut the door. Within my pain, they kicked me when I was down. They rubbed salt in my wounds...once again.

No, I do not understand the "Disposable Child" theory that they so blatantly practice. As well, I do not understand their form of Christianity. And if their kind of Christian behavior is any thing I am to emulate, I want nothing to do with it.

Since I was 12 years old, I have been thrown out with the garbage by my own family. I was in the way of their perfect appearances and stubborn. I wear my faults, always have. I admit my mistakes, my sins and I wept openly over them.

It is all to no avail because their is no understanding and certainly no love and forgiveness for the likes of me. Why is this, I ask myself. Well, for one, I call a spade a spade. Secondly, they can not look at me and not see the damage they have done, the pain they have caused not to mention the abuse they so willingly inflicted.

Yes, after you've thrown your budding daughter out of your home after you've ripped all of her clothes from her body and bloodied her legs simply because she still loves her own father, I imagine it's hard to stomach when you decide to become righteous.

It's no wonder I am the messed up individual that I am.

I am the Black Sheep. It is slimming.

Heavenly Father, help me to forgive them as I'd want them to forgive me. Amen

My Prayer

2010-06-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've made so many errors in my life, especially in raising my children. At night, I find myself praying for the forgiveness of my sins as well as my son's. This is because of the things I taught them and I pray that I can turn things around. Yes Lord, give me enough time on this earth that I might right some of my wrong.

Today my youngest child goes in front of a Judge to modify a court restraining order so he might see his son, Austen. I pray that the truth will prevail in all situations.

Heavenly Father, you are The Great Counselor and it is You that I seek shelter, truth and justice for my child. I firmly believe that You will give my child the words, wisdom and knowledge to stand firmly against these allegations.

My sweet Jesus, Waylon is in court at this very moment. His child's mother has become extremely viscious, cruel and vengeful. "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." We will stand erect, faith deeply rooted in these words. And the truth shall set you free.

I ask in Jesus' Name that my children as well as my grandchildren will know Your bountiful blessings. I ask in Your Name that You will place Your Angels, set upon each and every one. I plead the Blood of Your son, my Lord Jesus Christ upon my entire family and ask for a complete healing.

Give me the understanding and wisdom as to how to proceed to begin this healing within my family, namely my Mother, Father, Brother and. I can not assume that I am promised tomorrow thus I need to not put it all off. Show me the err of my ways, my Lord. Allow me to forgive them all as I want them to forgive me. Allow them a glimpse of my pain. Allow them to see how they hurt me. Allow me to heal from this mess I helped create.

My God, it is beyond my understanding how they can call themselves "Christians" and yet carry so much animosity. It is beyond my understanding how they can not forgive me when I sincerely asked for their forgiveness. I meant it when I said I was truly sorry. I suffered so greatly that I wanted to take my own life. For my part in this all I ask for Your forgiveness. I also ask for You to reveal to them their part in all this. I do not believe they comprehend how they used me up and spit me out. I was, once again just another callous they cut off from their lives. Heal me from this, please my great and wonderful God. Reveal to me how I should proceed in all this.

I praise Your Holy Name. I give thanks and praise. You are a gracious God and I am blessed. Amen

My Prayer/I Am G-Ma

2010-04-22T16:08:00.001-07:00

Heavenly Father,

You are an awesome God and I am so very grateful. What you have done for me, my Lord is surely a miracle. I recognize this. I also realize that I am not deserving of Your mercy yet time and time again, You are beyond merciful.

I do truly believe that You know my heart and treat me accordingly. I do not expect this mercy but I am surly feeling blessed. I also know that You know that I am trying. I am a wreck, a shameful mess yet You know that I am trying

In this chapter of my life, I seem to question life, in general, on the daily. And I feel a morbidity that is not well suited. I ask You my precious Lord, to give me calm assurance. Allow me to finish my work but even more so, give me that direction.

Yes Lord, I am quite lost in this pool of humanity. I am so small in this large scale world. And yet those around me count on me so heavily. If nothing else, baby Jax needs me the most.

What a true blessing Jaxon is, sweet Lord. I mean I can be in the pits of despair and he has the ability to pull me back to reality. His gentle smile, his joyful eyes, they tug at my soul. They wash me over in a warmth like no other.

I now know that all things happen for a reason. I know that I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And I pray for assistance, for wisdom and strength. Help me in my perseverance towards molding, shaping, sculpting this young man, my baby Jax.

Lord, I never want to be a hindrance and I must be mindful to lead by example. I have been entrusted with these little minds. Again, I wish to be helpful, to never hinder.

Sweet Sweet Jesus, I beg You for the time to get all that needs to be done, accomplished. I so badly want help finding the resources in my mind to get this book done. I pray You will warm Clyde's heart to do this as well as having patience with me. I must do this so that I may leave at least something behind for my children and grandbabies.

I ask, as well, for protection over Jax, given the situation. His mother somehow does not seem to comprehend things or she dazes out...and he gets hurt. Give me patience, the patience I do not have here.

I beg You, my Lord, my God, for protection for all of my children and grandchildren. I can not fathom what Kassandra and Austen go through living with CF. Give them their health Lord. My merciful Master, take mercy on them, please???

I ask with fervor and diligence for Your blessings, continued blessings for my family. Yes, I am able to count my blessings and must remind myself of just how good You are to us all.

I ask for healing in this broken family. Lord, give me the wisdom and understanding as to how to fix this in it's entirely. My Master, I am sorry for the things I have done in the past, extremely sorry. I was sorry then and I am sorry now. Somehow that is not good enough?

In this aspect, in this vein of thought concerning, especially my Mother, etc., please show me what to do, how to handle this. Is there no reprieve? Is forgiveness only for those of her choosing?

I do not understand this kind, this sort of Christianity. And if I am still wrong, please heavenly Father, show me. Speak to me my Lord and tell me what to do. This weighs heavily upon me.

My emotions run the gambit where my parents, my estranged family is concerned. I respected them all...and they did me so dirty. Yes, I was so very wrong in my behavior and I readily admit that. What sickens me the most is that I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker.

I believed all their lies and selfish alibis. I truly believed that by helping my sister I would be healing my family. I believed that they would help me too. But it's such a lie and it's evident that the only person that was to benefit from all this was my sister. By having me there she was then able to cavort, whore and basically shed herself of any real responsibility.

While I wallowed in my own waste in the basement of her home, she furthered her career and love life. I became nothing more than her maid, nanny and occasional counselor. Yes, nite after nite I listened faithfully. And when she was fired for all her dirt, after getting caught red handed, she was never judged as I was. No in fact they did nothing but support her.

See, I never told all their dirt. I never told my parents about her miscarriage. I never told them about the filth my brother was doing and yet, they passed judgment upon me and they all sidled up, one big happy family, lest one...one more time.

I will try to be respectful because that is Your law, my Lord. But I do pray You will show me the err of my ways. I pray that You will take away all this resentment and anger and replace it with understanding and if nothing else; empathy.

Teach me, my Lord, how to rise above this. Show me what to do to climb out of this mess. It is true that I want their forgiveness but I ask Lord, for Your help as well as patience that I might forgive them as well. There, it is said; I do need help in forgiving them too.

Again my sweet Lord, I ask and I pray that You will show me the answer. I ask that You will reveal to me what it is that I need to do to find this elusive forgiveness. Is it only for the rich and beautiful? Is it only for those that cow tow or aspire to be their followers? Is it only for those who pat their ego's and tell them how wonderful they are and how they've changed their lives?
Forgive my sarcasm Master.

Lord, I give You thanks and praise. And I ask for Your continued blessings. Please my only God, get me through all of this. Forgive my sins and allow me to live another day. I song Your praises! Amen!!

My Prayer

2010-03-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father, You know the truth. You know what is right and I ask for intercession on my behalf. I will take the consequences, come what may but please stay with me.

Lord, I do not know why I am being challenged but I do not like it. I come to you for refuge, I come to You for calm assurance.

My sweet Jesus, You must know what can happen if they win, if they prevail. DO NOT allow it. Let the Light win over the darkness.

I praise Your Holiest of Names. You are my Lord & Master and I shall not want. Stay with me Lord. Never allow me to fall as I did before. Never allow me to descend into that darkness ever, please!

Come to my defense God of all gods. I praise You and I give You thanks. Amen & Amen

My Prayer

2010-03-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

My Lord and Master please hear my prayer. I have come before You asking that You might be my strength, my rock, my salvation. Without You I have nothing. The older I get the more I realize this.

Sweet Jesus, I come to You in such need. I am so afraid, please calm my fear and take this pain away from me.

Lord, You know the truth and I ask that You deal fairly. Yes, I have a problem and I need help. Give me the strength and wisdom to get through all of this. It is huge and the implications are so real.

When it's all said and done, You are my only hope. Please come to my rescue and pull me through all this.

I praise You for all that You have done for me as well as my family. We want for nothing. We are basically all healthy short of Austin and Kassie which I ask for to continue to enable them to breathe.

Bless my children as well as their children, wives, mothers and place Your Angels around them all.

I plead the Blood of my Lord Jesus Christ upon each and every one of my family members.

It is You, the one true God that I come to. You are my only answer, my only hope. Please come to me Lord and get me through all of these trials.

I praise You and give You thanks. You are a just and fair God and I thank You. Amen

My Prayer

2010-03-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father, my Master, please O'Lord hear my prayer. I am very aware, very aware. All I have is my Faith in You. You are my Rock and my Salvation. There is no other God but You. You are a merciful Master, this I know.

So many times I feel I do not deserve all the many blessings that you rain down upon me. I must remind myself of all that is good. Why is that? Do we take it all for granted until it is gone?

I do not want to ever take things for granted. I must remind myself of all this good. Yes, it is always easy to facilitate and measure the sadness or concentrate on the madness in this life. It is even easier to hone in on the sickness and grief. But my Lord, I truly want to walk in Your light and I want to shine because of it. I would want them to know that I am Your daughter by that light.

Sweet Sweet Jesus, please my Lord, I beg for their lives. I beg You to spare them any sickness or grief. I ask for Your pardon and forgiveness especially for what they do not know as well as what they were taught.

My Shepard, I ask that you'll lead us down the path, a path You have designed for us. I ask that You guide us and give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Again, I beg for their lives. Please hear my prayers my one and only God. It is all I have and all I believe in. I praise Your Holiest of Names. Amen

My Prayer

2010-01-31T10:41:00.001-08:00

My Lord & Master,

Hear my prayers to You sweet Jesus. I have so very much to be grateful for. It is endless. So much could have gone wrong...but it didn't. I could have died ...but I did not. Show me the reason for it all.

My Lord, I need guidance as well as strength to get done all that needs to be done. I need wisdom and endurance to run this race. I want to be a winner, not for myself but for those I will leave behind. Guide and direct my actions. Let my life be in Honor of You and nothing less.

Sweet Jesus, there never seems to be enough time in the day to get it all done. I ask for Your direct hand upon me and mine. I ask for Your divine wisdom, assurance and for Your Spirit to guide my way and actions.

I am quite lost, my Lord. Light my way and allow me to walk in that light with You. I know that darkness all too well and can not fathom being there again. My merciful Master, stay by me, hold my hand and help my every move. Let it only glorify You.

Once again You were good to me when I did not deserve it. I am so beyond grateful. Give me the strength to do the right thing. Show me the way to righteousness. Show me the way to being a true, honest and faithful daughter as well as Matriarch of this entire family.

Heal my family, please? If I am wrong, show me. If I am right, I wish that you'll place it upon their hearts. I do not understand their line of thinking. Did they not hear me cry? Did they not hear me beg for forgiveness? Is it right to just throw me and mine away like trash? Yes Lord, heal this family. Place it upon their hearts, if I am to understand this all correctly that it is certainly not Christian example to do what they have done.

I often wonder if they believe they are the only ones that know You, my Lord? I often ponder what it is that makes them feel that it is just fine to call yourself a Christian and yet you can not forgive your own daughter?

They preach the Word and have all those followers that listen intently to their every word and yet their own house is in disarray. Is it possible to be so cold and calculating that once again, me being the Black Sheep, I am to be cut out, sacrificed again for the sake of appearing righteous?

I suppose I should be used to being kicked to the curb. I suppose I am a veteran at being treated like trash. But what bothers me the most is how these leaders in the Church can preach, teach and touch so many others lives and yet live a lie? They've lived this lie for a long long time. I suppose there's no point in any of my pondering. It is what it is.

Allow me Lord to understand. Allow me Lord, to swallow this bitter and jagged pill as well as learn from it. Allow me, my sweet Lord to once again rise above it. Let me forgive myself and walk outside all the shame.

Your Word would be a lie if I were to believe their actions. I asked You for forgiveness. I meant it when I prayed for Your forgiveness. I meant it when I asked them to forgive me for my behavior. Now, I'll ask You, my Master to help me forgive them for what they've done to me all my life. I'll ask You to give me courage and strength not to fall on my face again. I ask You to allow me to walk in Your Light and no where else.

I praise Your Holy Name, my sweet Jesus! Amen

My Prayer

2009-12-23T19:10:00.001-08:00

My heavenly Father, my Lord and Master. I humbly come before you, I beg Your forgiveness for my sins and the sins of my sons. May I be forgiven for all the wrong which I taught them. It weighs heavily upon my heart. Give me time, here on this earth to somehow right the wrong, to leave a positive legacy and not the atrocity which was my life.

Dear Lord, You've delivered up my youngest son to me, safely, content all the way from Iowa. I laid my trust in You and You held it closely. I am beyond grateful for this wonderful visit. Give me that opportunity to speak to him, You know of that which has been spoken to me by The Spirit.

I am listening and I ask that You use me to teach my children all that needs to be taught before I go from here. Again, it all weighs rather heavily and I must right the wrongs. Forgive them for that which they do not know. Allow me the words, straight from the Spirit, the words which their father could've, should've spoke to them, taught them. Give me that opportunity to be both mother and father. Guide my words, my sweet Jesus.

Once again, this month You had mercy upon me and delivered me from the throes, the very clutches of sickness. You are a divine Master, merciful and Just. I praise Your holy Name.

Guide my path as to how I should proceed, what I should say concerning Wam and his girlfriend. I do not know what's right or what's wrong? I ask for discernment. Please my merciful and awesome God, show Your Spirit to me and take my hand, lead me along the path of a righteous Mother.

I ask, once and again for You to bless my children and keep them safe from harms way. I have noticed, if nothing else in my life, that this is an area where I need take note of just how good You have been to me and mine. No calamity, no crisis. I do see what and all that You do for me. Place Your Angels around my family and keep them safe. I pray that once again, You'll cleanse the lungs of my grandbabies with Cystic Fibrosis. I'll ask once again for You to allow them to breathe and begin the healing. You are my only hope and my only God!

I Praise Your Holy Name! Amen

My Prayer

2009-11-20T07:06:00.000-08:00

My Lord and Master, please hear my prayers. Forgive my sins and know that I am trying to be a better woman, a better Matriarch to this family. Give me strength, guidance and direction. I am rather lost and the fear inside, well, I know it is not natural. I welcome Your calm assurance. I'll welcome you to hold my hand sweet Jesus.

Today I go to the Doctor and hear my test results. Your will be done as always but I plead for Your tender mercies. I know that I deserve the pain and anguish which I have brought upon myself. But dear Jesus you know my heart and that I mean well. You know I need to try harder and that is why I ask for strength and guidance.

Please be merciful and speak to my Doctors heart. I want to break this situation and I ask for the Holy Spirit to minister to me on the daily so that I might live right. Yes, that is the truth of the matter; I am weak and You are strong. Please hold me up and give me the backbone to not only think before I do but realize the repercussions of my actions.

I pray you'll place Your Angels at the side of all my children as well as their children. They are all precious to me and such a wonderful gift, my Lord. Allow me to live long enough to make things right and spur me on to do the right things as well as teach better habits. Allow me to remember that these children are all gifts and must be raised knowing You, knowing they are not alone and that they need only to seek You in all aspects of their lives.

I ask for special considerations today my Holy Redeemer. Please pardon my inconsistencies and have mercy upon my soul. Nothing good will come from the things I have allowed. Let it impact me in my mind but please do not allow me to suffer as it will affect those around me. They count on me so and I need to remember this.

I'll welcome You to hold my hand today. My very soul is shaking. Please minister to my soul. I praise Your Holy Name.

I walk in circles, much of the day in fear, that unnatural, unhealthy fear. Some would call it mental health issues. I call it unnatural fear because I have nothing to fear but You, my heavenly Father. I respect, fear and fall on my face. I am not nor will I ever be righteous enough to look You in the face. But all my life, I have sought You my Lord and I do so hope that one day You will allow me to feel Your warm and loving breath upon my face.

My sweet sweet Jesus, I am so very grateful for the blessings of today. You are a merciful Master, a truly loving Father. You took into consideration the true nature of my heart. I am trying, you know this. I've come a long way but still have a long way to go. I pray you'll guide me the rest of the way so that the time I have left will be productive and to Your glory.

Heavenly and gracious Lord I ask that You will heal my grandbabies, especially Austen. He is such a sprite but loving child who suffers so. You have the power and I have the faith that if you chose so, he will be healed. May it all be to Your glory magnificent Master.

It hurts my heart to the point of breaking to worry and wonder about the care of all my grandbabies. I ask You to place Your Angels all along their way. Allow them not to stumble or fall. I ask also that You'll guard my children and the mothers of all these, my grandbabies. This is a fearful world my Lord, let it not devour us. Let it not rule us and allow me time to make things right and to leave a legacy to Your glory and Your glory alone.

I praise Your my sweet Lord. Your death on the cross, may it not be in vain where I am concerned. I pray you'll know my name and the intention of my heart. There is no god before You as You are the one true God, my God and I sing Your praises. Amen and Amen

Jesus Is The Wind

2009-10-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

PROVERBS 22:6 NKJ
6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

God expects parents to raise their children to serve Him. Parents will answer to God for every child He entrusts to their care.

It weighs somewhat heavy upon my heart if I have planted enough seeds of wisdom in my children. I mean, there's a fine line between having religion forced down your throat as I was as a child. I never wanted to bring up my boys in or with the fire and brimstone mentality. That sort of thinking scared the living daylights out of as a child.

As well, I was raised a Catholic, up to the point of my early teens and then suddenly, my parents changed up their beliefs and doctrine. We then became "Born Again" which I have no problem with but my eclectic upbringing has caused me to be mindful of forced religion and the hang-ups that go right along with it.

At the same time, I pray that I will have enough time left on this earth to plant more seeds, seeds of faith. I want my children and grand children to know, long after I am gone, that even though I am not there with them, I await there arrival at Heaven's Gate. I also want to impart upon them that, yet again, even though I am gone, they are never ever alone.

Jesus is with them always. Jesus is just like the air we breathe, the wind that blows our hair, we can not actually see that air moving the leaves on the trees but we see the movement and we know, never questioning or worrying that we will have that air, that wind. We can not live or survive literally as well as figuratively without Him.

Our Lord moves through our lives just like the wind, surrounding us, fulfilling and omnipresent.

My Prayer

Oh gracious and Heavenly Host hear my prayers, forgive my sins as well as the sins of my children. I give You thanks and praise and I am eternally grateful for Your presence in my life and the lives of my children. I ask that You stay close. I ask that You place Your Angels at the foot of my grandbabies beds. I also ask for Your Angels to stand guard over my entire family. Please heal our family, my Lord, my God.

You have brought me this far for a reason. Allow me the time to plant the seeds I am meant to sow. Give me the wisdom, strength and words to impart Your presence within our family.

You are an awesome God and I truly thank You for the many many blessings bestowed upon us. May my children know You as well as worship Your Name. I ask for Your continued presence amongst us, to guide us all and keep us safe.

My faith dictates calm assurance but quite often I have such anxiety. Calm the storm, my sweet sweet Jesus. As well, I have been charged with leading this family, I am the Matriarch. I have failed in so many ways, in the past. Forgive my transgressions and allow me to learn from these many mistakes. Allow them to make me stronger. The urgency is there to plant these seeds.

Yes my Lord, there is urgency to get this book done too. I ask for Your help. I want it to be to the glory of Your Name. A testament of Your awesome power. I also ask for the wisdom and words to help the many souls that write to us for help. No easy task, allow our words to never hinder but to help.

I do not take my position lightly and sometimes it is quite overwhelming. Give me that calm assurance, I ask of You my Heavenly Father. Give me time to finish what I started. Give me a heightened sense of awareness, an understanding as well as forthright knowledge as to just how words can cut like a double edged sword. Yes, there is such power in words. Allow mine, my words, to be from the Father only, never of my own fruition.

Yes Yes my Sweet Jesus, I pray You will know my name. I pray You will hold my hand and walk me through this life. Instill in me the innate ability to hear Your voice and Your voice only. Drown out all the noise in my head but Your Word.

I am so very grateful my Lord. I am grateful that for the most part, I have my health as well do my children and grandchildren. I ask for Your continued blessings. I plead the Blood of Jesus upon me and mine, all of us...Your Children.

I ask all this in Your Name, my Lord Jesus. Praise You, Thank You. Amen & Amen

My Prayer

2009-09-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

My Lord & Master,

Please forgive my sins and hear my prayers? I must trust in you, my Heavenly Host. I know this much but I have mixed feelings when it comes to my faith.

Sometimes even when I want to believe in something, namely that all will be well because you have the reigns, I will have the now famous "trepidation, fear and anxiety" because I do not know if it will be another lesson I must learn, another hardship I must endure or maybe even I must "pay" for something I've done in the past.

So I pray for wisdom to decipher this journey. I pray for strength so I might lead my family. Thus far, I've done a pretty lousy job. Will you forgive me, my Lord?

Show me the way sweet sweet Jesus? I believe it is you that gets me through the night. I believe it is you that keeps them at bay? And I pray for your continued support.

I notice that my children are basically healthy compared to others and their pain. For this I am eternally grateful. I ask to not be tested there, a category I can not bear.

Heavenly Father, I am repentant and yet my sins are still thrown in my face. Where my family is concerned, I ask for you to show me the way to go, the road to walk down in order to heal. I do not want this anger that wells inside of me. I do not like to entertain these thoughts and I pray that you'll show me what and how to do it.

Sweet Lord, I'll continually pray for You to place Your Angels amongst all my babies, to keep them safe and secure. I pray this in earnest and fervor. Sometimes it is even hard to get the words out to even pray. But You know my heart, I do believe. And my heart speaks the volumes that I sometimes can not. Hear my heart, heal my heart, oh Lord.

I thank You for all the many blessings. I have not gone without a meal nor have I run in the street naked. I have had shelter and a warm bed for some time. These things we often take for granted. But in the still of the night, when the call of the wild comes in, it is You that I seek refuge in. I ask You for Your continued favor. I ask You, sweet Jesus to hear my prayers and to heal my family.

In Jesus Name, I ask all of this. Amen

Black Sheep

2009-09-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

This blog was designed so that I might put in B&W, all that I am grateful for in this life. It went on to be the main page where I pray too.

You'd think it a private matter, prayers but one thing I do know for sure is that I have no skeletons in my closet, yes it is all here for the world to see. Now that's not why I do it by any means. But it's certain that I can see , just as you might in a journal, all that is my life.

These pages are filled with good thoughts, worship and praise for our dear Lord. It is also a testament to my pain. And if you were to read some of the entries here, you just might be appalled as well as disturbed. Such is my life.

It is personal growth that these pages reveal. Along with the little bursts of gratitude, there's a lot of pain, mixed emotion and prayers for forgiveness amongst the pages.

What is brutally transparent to me, if nothing else, if I were to go back and read some of my past posts, is that I am in a constant state of Spiritual battle. For me though, this has been all my life, even since I was a toddler. Why does Satan want me so badly?

Right here and right now, I pray;

That my Lord of Lord's will choose to have mercy upon me. I ask for forgiveness for all that I have done to hurt my family, especially my own children. Quite often, I have not played the cards I was dealt with a sturdy hand. Wisdom eluded me. More often than not, I have been weak and searched most diligently for any and all means of escape. But early on, it is something I learned, mainly the Drugs that help shut up the mess in my head as well as the pain that wracks my body every single minute of the day.

All my life I've struggled to just live and early on I was kicked in the teeth. My own family, specifically my own Mother threw me out at the age of 14 because I did not fit into the square peg she kept trying to push me in to. I was sacrificed for her own gold digging plan.

Sadly I admit, here I am, 50 years old and I can not move on from all that was done to me. So my Lord, I ask for strength and guidance and for you to deliver from all of this. Allow me to rise above and right my wrongs. Give me time to make things happen.

Let not my legacy be that of a ex-con, ex-heroin abuser, addict, thief, yada yada yada but of a woman that cared so much it was painful. It hurts my Lord, especially because my hands are tied. I ask for your deliverance. I ask for your healing hand to be laid upon my heart, mind, soul.

There is such great need to heal my family too. My own children still suffer because of me and it's so hard to live with. Please help them and forgive the sins of the father as well as the mother. Their father has been gone a long time, since they were all little. Because of my weaknesses, because of my poor choices, my sons were all exposed and taught so many wrong things. I ask for your help in righting these wrongs. I ask for Your patience, my Lord. Heal this family?

And so it is that I am the Black Sheep again. They call themselves Christians and yet even though I sought their forgiveness, even though I was truly repentant, it does not matter to them. They have kicked me while I was down, again and again, actually, all my life. The example they have shown me is that if I am not at their beck and call and not doing what they want to help them, they want nothing to do with me or my children.

My Heavenly Father, how do I decipher what is right and what is wrong when they carry your Name, your banner and they represent you? How do I know, what shall I do?

The sad part of all this is that I do not believe they can see their own err. I do not believe they are capable of empathy or understanding. And yet they discard me so easily. How do I keep from becoming angry and striking out as I so badly want to do?
I ask for Your divine wisdom and instruction, my Lord. I ask that you show me what to do. I am so beyond stuck on this.

I do so want to thank you my sweet Jesus for your hasty healing of my grandson, Austin. He is feeling so much better. As well, I am so truly grateful for all of my grandbabies. This new baby, Jaxon, my lil Bumby is such a true joy. He is beginning to coo, smile and even giggle. I've never seen such a truly wonderful baby, not ever. He might fuss and instinctively, I'll check his diaper. As soon as I take that diaper off of him, he is just so evidently grateful as he smiles. Now, that's the kind of attitude of gratitude I aspire to. He is such a charmer, oh my and I am utterly grateful for him as well as the opportunity to be with him. I thank you my Lord!

Sweet Jesus, hear my prayers and my request for your continued blessings for my family. Place Your Angels around them as I know you have for so very long. I bet you've got a really fast Angel just to keep up with Waylon, huh? I praise You & give You Thanks. You are truly an awesome God. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen & Amen

My Prayer

2009-08-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Although I try to smile, I am crying and dieing inside. I am bound by my pain, my Lord and I ask for your divine intervention. And I thank you for all of these blessings, these mini miracles. Yes, I do see them as mini miracles. I praise you for your wisdom and weight in all matters.

My pain is nothing compared to some. The woman who was raped by six boys/men in Dunbar Village/Florida, well, I pray for her healing as well as her sons. How absolutely horrific! Yes, six succumbed to the hype that is gang life, behavior and follow the leader mentality. Because of all this, for the half hour of heinous behavior, because some boys had a distinct misunderstanding of what manhood represents, their lives will be forever ruined. Their families lives, their poor Mothers lives forever ruined.

Lord, I pray for their mothers. I pray for Justice but for blessings, even in disguise might come from this. How, in the name of such awfulness can we see any blessing? We must for if we do not Satan will have won once again in this scourge against humanity. And I do believe it is Satan in all his folly directing, orchestrating, leading this madness.

We have a right to choose. We have a right to say no but Satan fills their/our heads with lies. Then it is he who laughs as they administer the sentence or their death penalty cocktail. There are no winners in that.

The sidelines will be full for those calling for their blood as their mothers weep tears filled with such burden, such pain. Is there any condolence for these mothers? Is there any reprieve from such?

The very fact that I do believe in the power of prayer, even from the likes of me, someone they have no idea of, they do not even know me or of me but I do pray. I will pray for the victims and they are all victims of such vile hatred, even the accused. I pray for peace that which they may not know. I pray for their calm assurance and for healing.

Lord, I seek your face, I seek your forgiveness, myself. Forgive me for the instant of hatred that I felt as I watched the testimony of the youngest of the Dunbar Six as well as the others. May they know Justice and be reigned in, knocked to their senseless knees so they might seek you out.

Let Satan not win on this one. Let something, anything good to come from all this. I beg you sweet sweet Jesus and I humbly ask for even this prayer to be heard. Take away the victims pain, both Mother and son and allow them to heal. This would be your finest hour. In Jesus name I ask all this. Amen

Re-Post; It's Not A Mistake Any More

2009-08-10T23:54:00.000-07:00

Psalm 19:12-14

Well folks, they handed down the verdict...I'm a sinner. Each and every day I stand a real good chance of sinning and,"the wages of sin is death."

What can I do? Is there any point in trying? I believe that there is. Why? because Christ Yeshua died on that cross for me and MY sin. Now, knowing this does not give me a license to sin. No, in fact it holds me accountable.

Each and every day and every single night I go to my heavenly Father and ask him once again to wipe the slate clean. But you can't go to him with lip service because he knows your heart, he knows your sincerity.

We all make mistakes, we all sin but the secret is to try harder to be more like Christ; to treat others as we want to be treated, to forgive as we would want to forgive, to judge as we would want to be judged and have charity for our fellow man. Now, charity and love are one and the same, if you have you should give and always try to see others through God's eyes.

I am three people;

I am who you think I am,

I am who I think I am,

I am who GOD knows I am.

Now, this is pretty basic stuff most of us learned in Sunday school. But how easy we forget these simple rules, how easy we find it to be unforgiving and scornful. How easy is it to look down your nose at someone else when you know not the root of their reason. And how very easy is it to be selfish. Selfish with our money, time, love, concern, prayers and we find it so easy to be detached and not care.

We don't have time to feel someone else's pain. We don't have time to pray for that junkie in the street. But we find the time to look down our nose at them. I truly believe with every ounce of my being that if Christ were to walk down the street and see some homeless guy panhandling, I don't think he would yell at him to,"get a job," do you?

Just as well, I don't believe Christ would be hanging out at the Country Club schmoozing and hobnobbing with the rich and talking about his new BMW. Quite frankly, I believe he would be on the streets and in the bars or outside of them trying to help and heal the truly sick, lost souls out there. Ah, the vastness of the sick and lost and if you were to only open your eyes, you would see them.

I've made so many mistakes and bad choices in my life but I know that God never deserted me through it all. How do I know this? I know because he allowed me to learn from my mistakes. At that point they are no longer mistakes but,
"learning experiences."

Yes, I was humbled when I was arrogant. I was taught empathy when I had none. I was taught to appreciate things when I was stripped of all my worldly possessions. I had to learn all about my false pride and self-will. I had to learn understanding of that which is not known.

I was stripped of my dignity but given a humble blanket to wrap up in. I was given what I needed but not what I wanted in every respect of my life. I was sentenced to death with Hep C but was given a stay of execution. I was taught that you can't put off getting your affairs in order with Christ Yeshua by waiting till the 11th hour when I almost died at 10:30. But most of all when I had no one,nothing, nada I was given the greatest gift of all...Faith.

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

The G-Ma Life #2

2009-08-10T14:31:00.001-07:00

Believe...

My newest Grandbaby, Jaxon, well we think the one can of formula he had, out of the norm may have caused the worst diaper rash I've ever seen in my 50 years on this earth.

It was so bad that we took him to the Doctor only to be given a prescription of Bactroban. Now, I don't want to say this too loud but I do have some med experience and was already using this cream on him. My daughter-in-law did not know the name of the cream when the doctor gave her the script but she was too afraid to say we'd been using it already anyway.

I had tears in my eyes at one point as I wiped his lil' bottom and it bled. He shook in pain, it broke my heart. So, I set about doing what I could to treat it. We were rinsing his bottom off instead of using wipes. We were bathing him and allowing his butt some much needed air time to no avail.

The most important thing I've learned in these 50 years is nothing is too big or too small to pray about. I began to pray...

Back when I was in Prison and having terrible nightmares I'd learned to pray every night. They were bad but me waking up fighting, yelling and carrying on, well needless to say, my celly wasn't real happy about it. So, I'd gone to the prison Chaplain for her to minister to me on these bad dreams. At her suggestion, she told me it would be a good idea to read even a small bit of scripture before retiring. I refer to it now as, "feeding my soul" a snack before bed. She also suggested that I pray before going to sleep.

Well, it worked and I've been doing it every since. No more nightmares, not one. I often fall asleep praying as I did just the other night. I had one of those nights where I think I am awake when I am sleeping and vice versa. Whether I was alseep, is debatable but a couple of hours had passed when I was given the words, I do believe from on High. I was told to go to Jaxon's father and tell him that if he wanted his sons bottom to heal, he would get on his knees and ask.

"Good gravy Lord, but I'm comfy," I remember thinking if I didn't say it out loud. I followed the instruction and went out into the living room where I found my son, Jaxon's Dad, quietly watching T.V. and turned sideways looking at his computer on the end table. He's a night owl as are all my boys.

Now, let me set the pace here; I had religion shoved down my throat big time as a child thus I have done my best not to do the same thing. I have convictions these days that I do not instruct them enough but I do kind of tip toe around it all, not skirting but being mindful of not preaching but sharing. As well, I do not believe I've ever said anything such as this to any one of my sons.

Yes, it was a somewhat whimsical look/quizzical squint, not mockingly but questioning as I told him, "God told me to tell you that if you want Jaxon's butt to get better, you need to get on your knees and pray." I realize now that it is most assuredly a testament to how we tend to repeat things messed up or the message gets changed but, hey, I was half asleep.

The next day, I slept in but when I got up, Halena, Jaxon's Mother exclaimed to me, "Have you seen your grandson's butt?" With one eye open, I stated that I'd not been at that end yet, half laughing. "Well, when you wake up, you'll have to see it."

Again, half asleep because of the rough night before, it took me a few, quite a few actually to gather my thoughts. Halena (DIL) had not heard that I'd delivered a message straight from The Big Guy as she slept the night before.

Several hours passed and Jaxon was handed over to me so his Mom and Dad could go outside to smoke. He was due for a diaper change so I readied myself for the whole affair, you know I got the water temp right on the sink, got a clean diaper, towel, Bactroban and so on. I swallowed hard and took his diaper off...

It was completely healed!!!

Briskly, bare butt baby in hand, I went to find my son. "Did you get on your knees and pray?," I asked, really already knowing the answer. He shot me a look like "well, of course I did" to which I stuck his sons butt in his face. "Look Billy, it's all better now, " I said like some sort of maniac...which I wear very well.

Yes, do have faith cause nothing is too big or too small if you only believe!

Everyone therefore who shall confess Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven (Mt 10:32,33).

The G-Ma Life #1

2009-08-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

I relished the moment, knowing full well it was to come to an end in just two days when I boarded the plane to go back home. This trip to Iowa was my first meeting with my grandbaby, Austen Cody, less than two years old/going on twenty...

Normally, he was running around like his ass was on fire but at the moment, this very minute, he sat calmly on my lap. His smile was huge and bright, dimples daring to speak the words he could not yet say.

He stared and studied my face, looking deeply into my eyes. I remember thinking he is gonna be a ladies man, like his Daddy, Waylon, when he grows up. The moment was surreal, calm, pleasing beyond words...

He then began to trace the lines of my lips with his little finger, ever so gently. It was so touching, my heart skipped a beat...

...and then his finger was unceremoniously rammed up my nose. With an impish but wise grin, he laughed like hell and took off.

My Prayer

2009-07-28T12:29:00.001-07:00

My Lord, I am fearful. Please take it away. This journey of my life has been rough. I know it could be worse and I am grateful for all the good.

Please sweet Jesus, come to my rescue and speak with these Doctors tomorrow and handle my situation. I am weak and falling. Hold me up and get me through this. Trials and tribulations are here. Hold my hand and guide me through this.

I praise Your holy Name and I give thanks and praise. You are the one true God and I come before you and humbly ask for your assistance. My Lord, hold my hand throughout. Amen

Thanks & Praise

2009-07-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

I want to shout it from the roof tops;

I give You thanks and Praise my Lord Jesus for such a beautiful Grandbaby. Jaxon is just perfect. He brings me such happiness, insurmountable joy and I am pleased and grateful!

My heavenly Father, I come before You, I bow at Your feet and I give this child to You. May all the days of his life be devoted to You. May I live long enough to bring him up in the ways of the Lord. Might I live long enough to teach him of the wondrous God that You are. Might I live to tell him that on every lonely day, he need only to seek Your Face, my Lord.

My Sweet Sweet Jesus, please rain down Your blessings upon this child. Guard him against that which is evil. Place Your Angels around him. He is special is he not, my Lord? Somehow I see and feel this and I am so truly happy.

As well, I come before you as there is no other God before You, my great and gracious King. I present him to you, I give him back to you and ask for your stamp of approval. Keep him safe, I pray, just as I pray for my other children and grandchildren.

In addition, my wonderful Lord, I'll ask you to heal Jaxon's little bum as it is raw and we've done everything to heal his diaper rash. He is such a precious child and yet he cries out in such pain from this wound. You have dominion over all things, even this and I beg you for your favor for this lil' one. I beg you to heal him as I know You can and will, if You so choose. I come before You now and ask in Jesus name for divine intervention on his behalf. You are The Great Physician and I humbly ask You to forgive our sins, wipe the slate clean, know that we are trying and we believe only in You as there is no greater God.

Please hear my prayers and my words of thanks. I am truly, truly grateful. I ask all this is the name of my Lord Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen

Jerusalem of Gold

2009-07-17T11:28:00.001-07:00

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to
the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country,
this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money
if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross, saying "Moishe, look who's trying to teach
the Goldstein brothers about marketing.

Prayers Please???

2009-06-30T20:56:00.001-07:00

My Friends,

Well, if you're the praying sort, as I am, I could/should/would/will appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. My newest Grandbaby will be born tomorrow morn via C-Section.

Yes, the son that I currently live with, my middle son Bill and his wife will be welcoming "Jaxon Aiden" bright and early tomorrow. Now, I have all the faith in the world that all will be well but it never ever hurts for extra prayer and in fact I am a firm believer in the power of prayer.

Hahaha...and pray that I will get through it all. This Grandma gig is growing by the daily!!!

My Prayer

2009-06-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

It is late, my mind is weary. My concern is for Austen Cody, "Lil' Man" as they so fondly refer to my youngest Grandson. Austen has CF and tonight is struggling to breathe.

The last phone call I got told of Lil' Man crying, not able to be comforted, not wanting to eat. His Mom had to pick him up from Daycare and they've headed to Iowa City, a good two hour drive from their home. But it is there that they'll find the Specialists in CF.

My Prayer, my heavenly Lord is that you will see fit to give these Doctors the wisdom and know how in order for them to treat Austen. You are The Great Physician and I have but to place all my faith in you. Having said this, I know that you run the show and these Doctors answer to you.

My Lord God, I ask for Divine Intervention on this child's behalf. Give him calm assurance and place your Angels at his bedside. Allow them to minister to this baby, holding his hand and heart, ever so gently.

As he struggles to breathe, something which we all take so much for granted, do not allow him to suffer not one iota. Yes, my Lord, I believe if you say it, it will be so. And I'm praying, I am believing that you will deliver my grand baby up from the ravages of this storm. I just do, I just believe.

I praise you and give you thanks my sweet, sweet Jesus. You are a gracious and wonderful God in whom I shall lay my trust. I place no other God before you, as there is no God, no greater, nothing greater than You.

My Sweet Lord, please show us your mercy, forgive our sins, now and at the hour of our death. I am Barbara, Your daughter. Please remember my name and say that you do, in fact know me. I know I have been a brat, throughout all these years but my Lord I do so want to be good and known as Your daughter. Now, this child which you have placed with us is so very sick. I ask for Your hand upon him now and all the days of his life.

I am profoundly grateful as I just know, I have faith that you will intervene. Let it all be to the Glory of Your Holy Name. This is Your child, my Lord, will you not allow him this fear as he struggles to breathe. I believe in this, I believe in You and I just know you will prevail. May the Saints sing Your glory and I praise Your precious Name. Yes, You are my God and I thank You. Amen

Pennies From Heaven

2009-06-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

I get "Our Daily Bread" in my emails and this is an excerpt from one of the readings...

[Jesus said,] “This poor widow has put in more than all those who have given to the treasury.” —Mark 12:43

In 1987, Mike Hayes, a freshman at the University of Illinois, found a unique way to finance his education. He convinced a popular columnist at the Chicago Tribune to ask his readers to “send in a penny for Mike.”

“Just one penny,” Hayes said. “A penny doesn’t mean anything to anyone. If everyone . . . looks around the room right now, there will be a penny under the couch cushion . . . or on the floor. That’s all I’m asking. A penny from each of your readers.”

In less than a month the fund was up to 2.3 million cents. Donations came in from all over the US, as well as Mexico, Canada, and the Bahamas. Mike eventually ended up with $28,000!

Years ago, I managed to save about $165 just in pennies. As a single Mom that money came in real handy at Christmas time. I treated the pennies as if I was not allowed to use them and they had to go in the jug, never to be spent.

The reading made me think that it would be a really good example for our children, if we teach them to save their pennies. Furthermore, for them to save them for a good cause may be the very best example.

Oddly enough, I watched as my youngest son just dropped a few pennies on the ground as we were in the drive through at a fast food restaurant. I wished I had said something about it right then and there but I didn't. Call me weird, call me frugal, call me what you will but throughout these years, I have had a "thing" about picking up pennies, you know, ones you might find on the ground. The old wives tale about picking up a lucky penny, only if it's heads up gave me great trepidation for some time. But as the years wore on, I changed the rules and I even taught that to my kids;

"You can pick a penny up, if it's heads down if you turn it heads up as it's still touching the ground."

They'll do this to this very day. That, in itself is a good example of teaching our children, meaning they'll believe what we tell them if we take the time to teach them. I only wish that I'd taught them more of a reliance on The Father.

But the point of this post is, as stupid as it may seem, there's a lesson to be taught when it comes to pennies.

First; Never be too good to pick up a penny when you see it on the ground.

Second; It is humbling to squat down and pick up that penny, maybe in front of strangers.

Third; If we find a penny, we should take the time to thank God for that find and give it back in some sort of contribution to charity.

Yes, with that useless penny, lives can and could be changed. Teach your children to never arrogantly discard their pennies, teach them to save them, teach them to give back to a charity of their choice. This in turn, will open up a wonderful dialogue with your child concerning charitable works, what charity is and what might be in their heart. Charity=Love, they must be taught this.

Tithing is important, a premise I did not care for or really understand till I grew up, (a few months ago). There was a time when I was quite resentful about tithing. It made no sense to me and I remember thinking, "Good gravy, God doesn't need my money. Why do I have to give at Church?"

My thinking is of course, laughable at best but I'd be willing to wager that I am not alone when I thought this way. Giving resentfully is NOT what God wants. God also does not like stupid either and I am referring to those that give and place themselves in jeopardy possibly not being able to pay a bill. He also does not care too much for those that give simply in a "Show Off" mentality.

Now, I can't speak for the Father but I do believe that the understanding is to give from the heart, give in faith and give quietly, a communique between just yourself and our Lord.The point may be to teach your children to simply give, if even a penny at a time. They do add up, try it you'll see!!

My Prayer

2009-06-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am set to fly out of Buffalo International tomorrow at 7:30 pm, headed to Iowa. My youngest son, Waylon and his family live there. Oddly enough, I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, lol!

Waylon, or Wam as we've called him since he was born has two children with Cystic Fibrosis. His oldest daughter, Kassandra lives in Arizona while his youngest lives with him in Iowa. I'll meet my grandson, Austen for the first time.

My Prayer is that all goes well. I won't be back from Iowa for two weeks. Now, here at home, where I live with my middle son, Bill, his wife, Halena and my two grandkids, Lil Bill and Samantha things are a bit jumbled and now's not exactly a great time to be leaving. Halena is due to have their 3rd child on July 7th but will be having a C-Section scheduled for July 1st. Again, I pray that she does not go into labor early as I am needed here to help with the children while she goes into the hospital.

This Grandma business is not easy, ya know. I do feel needed right here at home. I am the one who watches over the kids while they work and sleep, I cook and clean, you know like Grandma's do. My concern of course, is that I will come home to emaciated grandkids as my daughter-in-law admittedly can not really cook. God knows what they did before I got here other than eat garbagy stuff.

Laughingly, I will pray that my son and his children will not waste away to nothing before I get back.Yes, we all have our strong suits and cooking is not Halena's. She's an award winning CNA, good with her patients, patient with her patients at an area Nursing Home, more patient than I might be. Aw, patience with the patients.Now, ain't that cute?

Back on the subject, it does baffle me how a person never learns to cook or do dishes right. I guess it goes back to how a person is raised, right? But she will serve strange things, as she did the other night. On a night, a rare one but a night when I was so sick I couldn't lift my head off the pillow,well, this was the menu; Instant mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and left over chicken flavor rice vermacelli.
God help us all!

So....my prayer is that all will be well on the Eastern Front as I am gone to the Midwest for those two weeks. Yes, I am nervous about leaving, flying, a new baby, leaving at this crucial time, etc., etc.

If you might read this, I ask that you bow your head and say a prayer that it all goes off without a hitch, that my poor grandbabies will not starve in the midst of my absense, that this new baby might wait to be born till I get back and everything just falls into place.

I might add that I happen to notice that although I don't have a diddley dime, last summer I traveled to Arizona for a week, stayed at a nice Hotel, met my two granddaughters, one for the first time, one in too many years that brought about tears of joy and now this summer, I'll get to meet my other grandbabies. God is good, NO, He's terrific. And I am so very grateful! Amen Brother!!

Blind Faith

2009-05-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

It's cloudy, raining only on me, isn't it? Yes, that's often how I feel...

I often feel as if I'm walking, stumbling through this life, stumbling, fumbling in the dark. I see the Light off in the distance. I desire that Light, of course, I mean, after all, who really wants to sit, walk, talk or stumble in the dark.

That "Light" of course, is the Light of The Father and I crave it, desire it most, need it, want it, have to have it. But more often than not, I find myself in the dark, sometimes accepting it as if I don't see an answer. The Answer is in The Word, the answer is the Word and yet I still stumble.

It's an awareness of this darkness, that foreboding emptiness that is the darkness, that I suppose is a step in the right direction. And I assume as I write this, as always it serves as a reminder to me to continue to seek The Light.

For the Light is in The Word!

I like to call it my "Blind Faith." Now, some may say that is not a welcome term for me to use, yet it is what it is to me. In it's reference, along with my prior words are what I am, what I do, what I must have. For me, it's a way of life because I now realize that the Light that I search for is as close as closing my eyes, reaching out my hand and walking with the Lord. He never let go of my hand, it was me that let go at various intervals in my life.Thus, once again, I was projected in to and of the darkness.

It was my Mother that told me of how I had let go of Jesus's hand, not the other way around. I cried out in my misery and my Mother reminded me to grab hold of His hand and to not let go. She is and was right and I can now see this.

Hold To Jesus's Hand

When the way gets weary
You feel all alone
Hold the hand of Jesus
Your troubles will be gone
When tears fill your eyes
You cry in despair
Hold the hand of Jesus
He will be there

**************

When there's a test at school
You've studied all you can
Bow you head in prayer
Hold on to Jesus's hand
When a friend has betrayed you
You feel hurt and cast away
Hold on Jesus's hand
He will gently pave the way

**************

When trials and temptations
Seem more than you can bear
Hold on to Jesus's hand
He will lift your every care
When your cross gets heavy
And the way seems so long
Hold tight to Jesus's hand
His strength will make you strong

(C) Linda Hill

Revised Repost

Notable Quotes

2009-05-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.

Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

~Gandhi~

Remind Me

2009-05-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

To tune in on God's voice, we've got to tune out the world. Sssssssssssh Listen!

For The Love of Austen & Kassandra

2009-04-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

My Grandson Austen has Cystic Fibrosis as well as MRSA. This lil guy suffers but he does so with a smile on his face. Even within this sickness there is most assuredly a blessing. Yes, two of my grandbabies have CF and of course there's cause for concern. But every night I pray for their well being.

I will pray and have been praying for years that God sees fit to cleanse their lungs and system of the mucous that threatens their life. See, with CF they are just full of this hateful mucous. It scars their lungs, it's in their bowels and they must take meds and pancreatic enzymes just to digest their food. It's a terrible state of affairs. But there's a silver lining in all this.

First, because of this disease, these children are precious and fragile. At the same time, I see God working and answering my every prayer concerning them. "Lil' Man," as they fondly call Austen seems to really go through it. He's into his "Terrible Two's" which even for a child without CF means colds and cutting teeth but he's especially supseptible to anything and everything.

Beyond all this illness lies a calm assurance. I must often shake my head, literally, to keep myself in check and not to foster a lack of faith. I write that I have faith that my God will prevail and I believe my God will bless them and keep them, both Austen as well as my oldest grandchild, Kassandra.

If you read this, I ask that you might say a simple prayer for continued strength and wisdom on the part of their Doctors as well as the strength it must take for their Mama's, an undaunting endurance to keep them healthy and happy.. With God as their Great Physician...all things are possible. Amen!

Jesus First/Faith Not Fiction

2009-03-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

He is a good and gracious God!! My new line of thinking is to put Jesus first in all things. I realized that, well for one, I wear the weight of the world, if nothing else, at least my own family, across my narrowing shoulders. I run the roost, run the show and if it was said that I've been guilty of "micro-managing" I could not deny it.

The older I get the more I realize that I do not know it all, as I so fondly thought. Far be it from me to NOT admit this but just when I thought I'd seen it all, knew it all, it was proven time and again that in fact, I did not and had not. Personal growth, I suppose.

Possibly the most wonderful thing I have learned and it's a fresh way of thinking is to place "Jesus First" in all things.I do believe the second greatest thing I have learned is to really apply the "Let go and let God" principle.

For me, this Jesus First application/mindset is huge. Because I am of the management mentality, I am used to being the consummate problem solver, the go-to gal. I might even appear as if I have my act together. In fact, I don't, never have and probably never will. That doesn't stop people, family and so forth from coming to me for help, guidance and to solve the would be riddle of the day.

The chief ingredient here is the wholehearted acknowledgment that I can not fix it all, "I need help." I have been guilty of worrying myself sick and when it comes right down to it, it's just a big deal to me to realize that I need only to go straight to the top with anything and everything in my life.

Faith Not Fiction

I am grateful, in the Autumn of my life to have finally come to the realization that I have the one true God, my own personal Physician and Counselor, just a call away. What I mean is, yes, we all know that we should pray and go to the Father. But the difference is the application of doing this for all things, no matter how large, no matter how minute or even what appears to be petty.

It is faith and not fiction that I may go to Jesus first and ask for wisdom, guidance and direction. I've known all this for years but I never applied it. I worried and struggled...needlessly.

Almighty Father, you are so wonderful and I thank you for answering my prayers. You know my heart. It was once black and hardened, necrotic and actually egotistical. You forgave me and allowed me to heal what was important and grow from those circumstances. I praise You for this and I ask for your continued blessings. I ask for your continued guidance and the wisdom to lead this family. Allow me the time, Dear Lord, to do the right thing. Allow me the time to right some of this wrong.

I seek Your face, I seek to walk in Your light. I seek the answers, the wisdom, the know how to lead this family. I seek Your favor. I pray for these continued blessings for my children and grandchildren. I am so pleased that you have chosen to bless me with these wonderful grandkids. I am even more pleased that even though two of my grandkids have Cystic Fibrosis, You, my Sweet Sweet Jesus, allow them to enjoy their health. I can not put into words how wonderful this is and I thank You and praise Your holy Name. Amen!

God First

2009-03-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

I can relate to a child not wanting to do their homework, schoolwork and so on. I often act like that child who would rather play than work when it comes to reading scripture and even my time devoted to prayer. I stand, an ex-con, convicted, guilty as charged.

I can remember that I would have terrible nightmares during my first year in Prison. They were bad enough I found myself seeking the counsel of the Prison Chaplain, Dixie Welker.

Pastor Dixie is/was an extremely devoted spirit, a woman who dealt with all kinds of adversity, all sorts of evil, a mass culmination of mixed up, societal throwaways; Inmates at the State Correctional Facility at Cambridge Springs, Pa.

She could be blunt, cutting to the chase on more than one occasion where Street wise met Spiritual wise in a head-on collision. She firmly dealt with unfavorable behavior i.e., women coming to church service in order to meet up with their lesbian lovers and mess around. It was a rather distasteful display and she let 'em know it.

Pastor Welker was a spit-fire not to be confused with fire and brimstone philosophy but one of the best examples of Christian love and values I have yet to meet. After all, it can not be easy, I'm quite sure, to find love in your heart for a woman, in example that killed their child or maybe allowed their daughter to be raped and molested for a few measly crack rocks. It's insidious but true and some of the things I'd heard, some of the heinous most nocuous stories, tales of true crime, well, I even found myself sitting in judgment.

I had to remind myself that this was a position where I had no business being. If nothing else this was all a lesson in redemption. To look into the eyes of a fellow inmate who'd done something so villainous, especially to a child and see them through God's eyes was, for me, a challenge at best. But they sat next to me in Church, I assume for the very same reason as I was there; In search of redemption, forgiveness, fellowship and the Word. I had to remind myself of this as well as the very passage "Judge lest ye be judged."

Pastor Dixie was also a woman who taught us that we must forgive ourselves by going to The Father in true repentance and then believing that we were, in fact forgiven. That teaching premise has been the source of strength and reminder as I struggle with my addiction, sins, crimes and remembering that I am forgiven.

Satan loves to convict me over and over again for the same crime. What I mean is that I will often times remember something just awful that I have done, possibly something I've asked forgiveness for already in the past. I will find myself praying for forgiveness, feeling guilt and shame, angry with myself for my past behaviors. And I now know that it is Satan that does his best to make me feel like I do when reminded of my past transgressions, of which there are many.

It is Pastor Dixie's words, though, true Christian words from and of the Word which have been something I've had to remind myself of. Yes, I struggle on the daily, even today. I suppose it's a question of faith, a belief that I am forgiven. I have to reiterate this to myself constantly. The Chaplain had also counseled me, as I stated, concerning these nightmares. They were bad and I would wake in a cold sweat.

Quite often these dreams were of a violent nature. Sometimes it was me being hurt or chased or it was me doing and inflicting the pain upon others. At the start of my sentence, I began treatment for Hep C.

They put me on Interferon and Ribiviron, drugs which left me so sick I could hardly walk. I lost more than half of my thick brown/black hair which turned a rusty red.

Per usual, they have you see the Psychiatrist because apparently this particular medication causes one to feel suicidal. I on the other hand felt more homicidal than suicidal citing the lack of civilized behavior from my fellow inmates. But I did discuss my nightmares and the Psych doctor had no rhyme or remedy. She simply pointed out that because of my anger as well as my diagnosis of P.T.S.D., coupled with the fact that I was actually completely sober for the first time in years, my brain was over active and over stimulated.

She did place me on more psych meds, I was a walking zombie already because of them. Getting no where fast, it was then that I spoke to Pastor Dixie about my dilemma concerning these horrid dreams.

It was then, that I learned the very first example of why I should put God first. After all, He is the Great Physician. As she held my hand, she looked me in the eye and spoke my Rx for this dilemma, "Every night before you go to sleep, always read some scripture. Feed your soul."

I did and it worked. No more nightmares. The quaint implication of the words, "God first," I have found to be paramount. I must admit those words two little words mean so much. I mean, I believe them to possibly be some of the most important words ever uttered.

I have come to realize that I must place God first in more things, in every aspect of my life. I must go to Him first on the grandest of scales as well as the smallest.

I found that when I prayed for safety in my job when ever I used the slicer or one of our professionally sharpened knives, I did not cut myself. Oddly enough, I was reminded a few times as I shaved a nail down, "Oops, forgot to pray," but I've yet to be cut when I prayed first...EVER!!!

Yes, God first in all things.

My Prayer...

Heavenly Father,

I ask for your forgiveness, you know my heart. I pray that you will guide my Doctor tomorrow to help me, to treat me and you will place it upon his heart and give him the wisdom and guidance to know what is right for me.

Allow him to see my pain and the truth in the matter. I pray you will give me the words and wisdom as well to convey exactly what is going on, all that is wrong as I seek treatment.

I implore of You, my Lord, do not allow me to suffer any longer, please? It is getting harder and harder to press on especially when I have these things to worry about. Take my fear away and replace it with the confidence and knowledge that you are there with me, guiding my words, holding my hand.

I seek Your face Lord and I search for answers. I wish to walk in Your light. I know that you are my Lord, my Savior and Master, I shall not want. I need only to ask and place you first in all things.

I ask for your continued blessings for my family and am more than grateful for the continued health and welfare of my family. You have been so good to us and I am aware of this.

You have kept my kids and grandkids safe and healthy, which is such a gigantic blessing. You are truly an awesome God.

I pray for your favor for my sons so that they might be good men, good father's and lead by example to their own children. May they teach them "God first" in all things too. I praise Your holy Name, sweet, sweet Jesus. Amen

Questions & Prayer

2009-03-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

If you happen to come across this blog, this post in particular, I ask for your prayers. I ask that you pray for me to find my way in this dark and vast wilderness that is my mind.

I don't know what it is but I am having an extremely hard time in prayer. As of late, when I read the Word, I hear cuss words in my head. I know who it is and I pray for deliverance from it. Much to my dismay, my prayers have yet to be answered, concerning this situation. It causes me, of course, to question myself, to question my very faith. Is it a weakness on my part because I can't or won't stop this absurd behavior?

What I am referring to is, for example, if I see the word, Jesus or anything of a religious aspect, my mind immediately throws out cuss words, in my head of course. Then, I spend the next few minutes in apology to my Lord and asking for forgiveness of this insidious behavior. Satan is certainly playing an extremely foul game with me. Because of this, I find myself feeling shameful, disgraced and fall further and further into despair...exactly what he wants.

Right here, right now, I pray to our Lord Jesus Christ that He might deliver me from the clutches of evil. I ask that He might take this affliction away and guide me to smoother thinking. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and forgives me and by putting this into words, I will draw strength from these words.

I recently wrote to a friend inquiring about my health. This sums up what is happening;

"I'm having a real problem w/my Doctors and my meds. I have this Dr. that has me on a very strong medication(MS Contin), one which he says he's not comfortable giving out but he has written 4 scripts for it. The meds do nothing for me except keep me from going through withdrawal. I sincerely hate this med and don't want to take it but I don't want to go through the sickness if I don't take it. He then said he wanted to transfer my case to a pain specialist. I waited for the referral, called and waited some more. He then wrote my script again. His nurse tells me she will call me with the referral and I wait again. I ask the nurse again, "Do I wait, will I get a call from you w/this referral?" She says I need to wait and I don't get the call, as promised and my meds will run out so I call again and his receptionist tells me, "Well, didn't the Doctor tell you that he didn't want to give you this medication and you'd have to go to a pain specialist?" Meaning they don't want to refill my script. First off, they make you feel like a junkie but I can not go to just any Doctor I want, I have to have a referral. Catch 22 and my meds will run out next weekend. The thought of going through withdrawal once again terrifies me..

This game is more than crazy. Last month, when I was moving, I took extra of my pills to combat the pain. I only get two pills a day and honest to God, they don't do diddly for me, never have other than I now am able to sleep more than I had before. They do not help with the pain, they just make me tired. But like a dummy, just trying to get relief from days of moving, using my arm like I shouldn't but had to, I took 10 extra pills which is actually 5 days of meds. See, a friend of my son, Lee, said he'd give me a bunch of pills he had leftover from surgery so I took extra of my pills. All of a sudden the guy tells me he can't give me the pills so I'm up the creek without a paddle.

Now, I did it to myself and I can't do anything about it. I went through withdrawal for a week and during that time had a heart attack. Well, I believe it was an attack as my heart felt seized up and I passed out. I came to about 15 minutes later and felt like someone kicked me in the chest. I really hate this and I seem to be in some purgatory/hell on earth.

So, there's the truth of the matter and it really sucks. I don't know what to do to get out of the situation either, ya know? I appreciate your concern even though I almost feel I don't deserve it. This situation is like, well, I feel all this guilt, feel like a junkie, mainly because that's how they make you feel. Yet, I tried to live w/this pain and couldn't. I have no cartilage left in my elbow, it's bone on bone. I had two ribs removed and four nerves moved. Something is going on and I'm in constant pain. As well, I have such nausea because of the pain and the pills themselves and often throw up the pills and have had to take more to compensate for the ones I just threw up.

I vomit all the time, usually from pain itself and have then had to take extra of my pills. I paint myself into a corner constantly. The guilt and shame associated with all this is enormous. The doctors create monsters with these meds and then want to play God and take it all away or they make you beg and plead. I have such psychological damage from just that alone, it's absolutely insane. It's an insidious situation.

I too have degenerative arthritis in my neck and back and my nerves are screwing up causing me pain everywhere. Not a day goes by that I don't have to literally push myself, kick my own butt to just function. Every thing I do, or you do for that matter requires that you use both hands, both arms. Well, my left arm is a constant grinding and if I have to lift anything, the bone just simply separate. You can not even fathom how much it hurts yet I must use it. Then because of over using my right arm to compensate for the left, the nerves are all messed up. So, I did what they told me to do and had two nerves moved. All it did was move the pain. It's crazy cause now I know that most of the pain is coming from my neck.

'Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to the point of insanity!'

You try to explain and there's just so much wrong, they just can't seem to grasp it all or they just don't give a crap. It's a truly sad commentary on the medical field, here in the States."

I pray that my Lord uses this situation for His glory. Please do not allow me to fall even further because of all this. I realize there is no cure for this situation and I must somehow endure. Give me the strength to get through each new day. Guide me with Your Word. Eliminate all this hateful and harmful thought patterns that I am plagued with.

I am really suffering, although I do realize it could be worse.

In this vein, I am truly grateful for the health of my children as well as my grandchildren. All through these years, you have spared me from the real pain of suffering in my children. I am more than thankful and praise Your holy Name. Amen

My Prayer

2009-02-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

My Lord, my God, my heavenly Master, please hear my prayer.

I am grateful that you got me through that last week of hell. I did learn a valuable lesson and I ask for continued strength. I am grateful as well that you did not allow me to perish and I am beginning to realize just how close to death I really was. If nothing else I felt I was dying inside. I beg you, my Lord to guide me, walk me through these trying times.

I come to you my Father and ask for healing in so many aspects of my life. As well, I ask you to take away whatever it is that is making me cuss your word in the back of my mind. Forgive me Lord, it is not me, it is not what I want to do. I am aware of it and have a good idea that it is a demonic spirit that causes me to think this way. Right here, right now, I state that I am more than aware that you hold dominion over all things, over and above any demon that may persecute me. I pray, I ask fervently for you to remove this oppression, this thing, whatever it is that causes me to swear in my head. You are my Lord and my Master and I must feed on your Word. Lord, you are Master of all things and I beseech you for your help and healing.

Sweet Jesus, I humbly come before you and ask for continued healing of my family and their issues. I thank you for the progress we have made thus far. I also thank you for the continued health of two of my grandchildren who have Cystic Fibrosis. So much could go wrong but you hear my prayers, I know you do Lord. I am so aware that it is your healing touch which allows these children, all of my grandkids to enjoy their health and happiness.

It is actually no small miracle that these children have not suffered. I acknowledge Your heavenly hand upon them all. I plead the Blood upon them. I beg you for your continued protection for my children and grandchildren.

Sometimes, my Lord, we need to count the simplest blessings. I mean, when I see how some children suffer, their parents in such dismay for the health and well being of their babies due to some illness or disease, I realize that I have been so very blessed for all these years. My own children have never been seriously hurt, maimed or taken from me. No, I have enjoyed these, my babies for all these years. That is no small miracle and I have a super realization of how extremely awesome that is. I am so very grateful. You are an awesome God.

Yes, it would be so easy to dwell on the hardships of life, the pain, my very own pain. But how grand it is, my sweet Lord, that you have chosen to bless me through all of this. Even more astounding, to me, is the fact that my children, my sons, who were more or less, in many ways neglected, in their teens, due to my addiction but have such forgiving souls. This is truly a gift on so many levels. First and foremost, although they are not what some might term as"successful" in a worldly, financial aspect, they are most certainly, each and every one of them, wonderful human beings, good hearted men who care about the important issues in life, namely, treating others as you'd want to be treated, honor, respect, values and a firm belief in You my Heavenly Host. They also do not try to hurt or scam others nor do they advance in life at the expense of others. These are actual accomplishments, a perspective on what is truly important in life. They are men of heart, genuine and real. I am proud of them because of this and can only be grateful because they shook off the bad influences they could have so readily embraced. I praise Your Holy Name for this, all of this.

I ask you Lord to guide me as I walk through this life, may I live as example. May they know when they see me that I am Your daughter. I also ask that you might see fit to speak to my daughter and granddaughter, speak to their hearts that they may know that they must both, each look in the mirror. I pray that Faye will reach her bottom so I might be there to help pull her back up. I ask that you speak to Jessie that she might know that I only want her to be a good person, an upstanding woman, no more brazen or brash, no more selfish behavior. Allow her to hear my words without all this anger but to understand that I care enough to tell her what and how I feel. Allow her to understand my words and grow from them. Let them help but never hinder? More importantly, may my words be from the Spirit and not a fabrication unto my own. Let my words be your words and spoken to her soul.

My prayer to you sweet sweet Jesus is that you might continue to bless my family. I ask for guidance and wisdom, strength and stamina so that I might get done all that is pertinent. There is so much to be done and I can not seem to focus as I should, as I must. I pray for the wherewithal to accomplish all that needs to be done; the book, SSI and most of all, those things that I need to do before I die so that I might be a positive influence long after I am gone.

Again, I am so very grateful for each and every miracle, big and small and I certainly recognize that all these goods things are blessings you have rained down upon me and mine. You are a truly fantastic, just, caring and awesome God, there is no God before you. And my goal is for nothing is this entire world, no material thing, no one person or situation to come before you. I have the faith to get through this life and I know that you are real and I am your daughter. Too many good things have happened to me and for me to explain any of it away as coincidence, luck or magic. All these good things are from and of You, my Lord. May I never forget this, may I always remember even the minute details of your glorious blessings upon me and mine.

I praise Your Holy Name. I am grateful beyond words. I do not deserve Your continued blessings but I am surely, truly grateful. Thank you, my Lord. Amen!

The Atheist Theology Student Who Was Found by God

2009-01-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

I never had the pleasure of meeting Tommy either but I can also possibly touch the world with his story?

The Atheist Theology Student Who Was Found by God John Powell a professor at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:

Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith. That was the first day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders.

It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn’t what’s on your head but what’s in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped.

I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange ... very strange. Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father-God. We lived with each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew.

When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a slightly cynical tone: "Do you think I’ll ever find God?"

I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. "No!" I said very emphatically.

"Oh," he responded, "I thought that was the product you were pushing."

I let him get five steps from the classror find him, but I am absolutely certain that He will find you!" He shrugged a little and left my class and my life.

I felt slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line: "He will find you!" At least I thought it was clever. Later I heard that Tommy had graduated and I was duly grateful.

Then a sad report, I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe. "Tommy, I’ve thought about you so often. I hear you are sick!" I blurted out.

"Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It’s a matter of weeks."

"Can you talk about it, Tom?"

"Sure, what would you like to know?"

"What’s it like to be only twenty-four and dying?"

"Well, it could be worse."

"Like what?"

"Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real ‘biggies’ in life."

I began to look through my mental file cabinet under "S" where I had filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification God sends back into my life to educate me.)

But what I really came to see you about," Tom said, " is something you said to me on the last day of class." (He remembered!) He continued, "I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, ‘No!’ which surprised me. Then you said, ‘But he will find you.’ I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time. (My "clever" line. He thought about that a lot!) But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, then I got serious about locating God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven.

But God did not come out. In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit.

Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn’t really care ... about God, about an afterlife, or anything like that. "I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered something else you had said: ‘The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them.’ "So I began with the hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him."

"Dad". . .

"Yes, what?" he asked without lowering the newspaper.

"Dad, I would like to talk with you."

"Well, talk."

"I mean. .. It’s really important."

The newspaper came down three slow inches. "What is it?"

"Dad, I love you. I just wanted you to know that." Tom smiled at me and said with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him: "The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me.

And we talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me. "It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me, too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. I was only sorry about one thing: that I had waited so long. Here I was just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to.

"Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn’t come to me when I pleaded with him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, ‘C’mon, jump through.’ ‘C’mon, I’ll give you three days .. .three weeks.’ Apparently God does things in his own way and at his own hour. "But the important thing is that he was there. He found me.

You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for him."

"Tommy," I practically gasped, "I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love. You know, the Apostle John said that. He said God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.’ Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing it wouldn’t be half as effective as if you were to tell them."

"Oooh . . . I was ready for you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for your class."

"Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call." In a few days Tommy called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never made it.

He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed.

He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.

Before he died, we talked one last time. "I’m not going to make it to your class," he said.

"I know, Tom."

"Will you tell them for me? Will you . . . tell the whole world for me?"

"I will, Tom. I’ll tell them. I’ll do my best."

So, to all of you who have been kind enough to hear this simple statement about love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven: "I told them, Tommy . ... ...as best I could."

The Professor Teaches About Evil and Christianity

2009-01-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

"LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Yes."
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."
The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?"
"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good...!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could...in fact most of us would if we could....God doesn't."
[No answer]
"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
[No answer]
The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. "In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
"Er... Yes."
"Is Satan good?"
"No."
"Where does Satan come from?"
The student falters. "From... God..."
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Yes."
"Who created evil?"
[No answer]
"Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All the terrible things - do they exist in this world? "
The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"Who created them?"
[No answer]
The professor suddenly shouts at his student, "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor closes in for the kill and climbs into the Christian's face. In a still small voice, he asked, "God created all evil, didn't He, son?"
[No answer]
The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?"
[No answer]
"Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" Pause. "Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and
whispers, "Is God good?"
[No answer]
"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do."
The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"
"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus... in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?"
[No answer]
"Answer me, please."
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"You're AFRAID... you haven't?"
"No, sir."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"...yes..."
"That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?"
[The student doesn't answer]
"Sit down, please."
The first Christian sits...defeated.
Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address the class?"
The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, yet another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering."
The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as heat?"
"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."
The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The second Christian continues.
"You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 273 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than -273°C. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."
Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom.
"Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?"
"That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?"
"So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes..."
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light... but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you... give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?"
Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us what your point is, young man?"
"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...."
The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!"
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?"
The class is all ears.
"Explain... ohhhhh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability himself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue.
"You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it." The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a neighbor who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?"
"Of course there is, now look..."
"Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?"
The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless.
The Christian continues, "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if He exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil.¹ What is that work God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."²
The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable."
The Christian replies, "I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going, Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare.
"Professor. Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"
"I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses.
"So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is - that's science!"
"Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed..."
"SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor splutters.
The class is in uproar. The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?"
The professor wisely keeps silent.
The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's mind?" The class breaks out into laughter. The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's mind... felt the professor's mind, touched or smelt the professor's mind? No one appears to have done so." The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's mind whatsoever. Well, according to the rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science, I DECLARE that the professor has no mind."
The class is in chaos.
The Christian sits.

If you didn't get it, here is a brief synopsis. The atheist argument is that since God created everything, He is responsible for the creation of evil. However, "evil" is a word that we use to describe certain things that happen to us (most of which are caused by other people). In reality, it is not a physically created thing at all and, therefore, does not fall within the realm of something created by God. So, the argument is fundamentally flawed. As stated on this site, evil is allowed by God so that free will beings can choose between good (i.e., God) or evil (absence of God). Without evil, it is not possible to choose between good and evil, and the universe would have no ultimate purpose.

Thanks to Russell Pittman for sending this e-mail.

References

For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth." (Romans 9:17) The evil that Pharaoh perpetrated against the Jews was the means by which God demonstrated His power to His people.
But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you My power and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth. (Exodus 9:16)
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Psalms 34:14)
For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (Ecclesiastes 12:14)
Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. (Amos 5:14)
...those who have done good will rise to live, and those who have done evil will rise to be condemned. (John 5:29)
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (Romans 12:9)
But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. (Hebrews 5:14)
He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. (1 Peter 3:11)
Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God. (3 John 1:11)

http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/professor.html
Last Modified November 16, 2007

Mini Miracles

2009-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

(The picture above Courtesy of Devoted Clothing)

I must proclaim that you, my Lord are my Master. I am so beyond grateful for your miracles today! I was so full of fear, yet you heard my prayers. So much could have gone wrong today but when it was all said and done and here it is at 11:45pm, you delivered not one, not two but as many as four or more answers to prayer. All to/for one who is not deserved.

My Lord, I really aspire to be a better person and I pray for you to hear my prayers as such. I ask for wisdom to lead, guidance to find my own way and the Light to show me that way. I aspire to be still and quiet enough to hear your words to me. I must admit that I tend to be loud when I should be quiet. In so many ways, I am still young and immature with so so much to learn.

I must say though, my Lord, I have matured enough to realize that you are a good and gracious Master as well as strictly the bearer of good will. It took me a long time to understand that my calamity, often brought on by me, myself and I was just surely that; my own brought on calamity, demise and undoing. When I ran ahead blindly, never ever stopping for directions in the form of your Word, it is then that I fell.

I've grown enough to begin to realize some of life's smallest hurdles are life's hurdles that are smallest...it is often what we perceive and what we make of it.

May I lead as the Matriarch of this family, please my Lord for at least more than a season, long enough to leave them stronger and in the understanding that they are not alone, even in my death but they were always alone without you and you alone. No words could ever be truer and the realization that we are utterly alone, even in a crowded room...without your love, my Lord.

Please continue with this awesome and wonderful grace and mercy my Lord. I praise you with words from the depth of my soul. Yes Lord, when I was too weak to even pray, too weak to utter the words aloud, I know you heard me and addressed my needs. I plead the blood upon my entire family and pray for healing and restoration.

Yes, that's the cool part about being in the Autumn of my life, to be able to recognize even the mini miracles. My Sweet Jesus, please stay with me as well as my children. I ask for your continued blessings within this family and for all my grandchildren. Most of all, I just have the faith that you shall reign on high and see fit to watch over and keep, all of my family safe, posting your Angels all around them and their continued health. After all, it is written in stone, "Ask and ye shall receive," and I am asking fervently.

Praise be to you Heavenly Father. Praise and Thanks. Amen and Amen

My Prayer

2009-01-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father, you you read my prayers to you? I hope you hear them as I type them, it helps me to process and to get them out.

Although I am feeling rather rough, I do know that it could be much much worse. This is somewhat of a miracle and I know that it is from You, my Lord. My sweet Jesus, I thank you.

I ask for your continued support. I am so weak, yet you hold me up. I must carry on, push and continue, lest I fall and never get up again.

Help me sweet Lord, stay with me in the night? My body is racked with pain but somehow I know it could be much worse and I just want to acknowledge that I feel it and just know that it is your intervention that is making it even a tad easier.

As well, my Lord, I ask for the words to convey what I need tomorrow. Intervene on my behalf as I know that you are The Great Physician. Please don't make me wait any longer, I beg you my Lord.

I praise you my heavenly Father, your word sustains me. Forgive me for my weakness that brought me to this point. Give me strength oh Lord and allow me restraint. I praise your holy Name, Christ Jesus. Amen and Amen

My Prayer

2009-01-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Truly my Lord, you are awesome. You heard my cries, you listened to my prayers. You performed, nothing short of a miracle for me. I am beyond grateful. May my heart speak the words to you, that I can not. You heard these words as I prayed to you today, a mish mash of a prayer. I was almost too exacerbated, too full of fear to pray. I was weak and you held me up...once again.

Sweet Jesus, I could hardly pray but you heard me when I cried out for mercy. You have, once again, blessed me. I thank you for these blessings and pray for your continued favor. As well, I ask for you to place your Angels around those that are near and dear to me. This family is held in place on Your Word and I pray that I have the wisdom to carry this family, based upon your word.

My Lord, we have two children who fight for breath every day, something even I take for granted. Specifically, my grandchildren, Kassandra and Austen have Cystic Fibrosis and must fight for that air every single moment. Allow them to be the blessing we know they are. Let us not hold our heads in pity or shame for the sins of the father but hold our heads up as we find joy as you perform your miracles every second of every day. Let us not cry out in sorrow but shout out your tender mercies because we know these children are true blessings as we enjoy them and hold them close.

Yes Sweet Jesus, it would be easiest to cry out in hardship as their mothers deal with their illness. Give them strength and allow the truth to be self evident that their sickness is not a hindrance but an act of God, a testament to your love for each of us, for these children especially.

No there is no blame. There is no shame. There is only the joy we find in their health. As I do every night, I pray to you for their continued health. I pray that you will give their mothers the strength to carry on. I pray that you will give them wisdom to know how to proceed. I pray you will give them calm assurance. All this can only come from the Father. You have been good to us, lest we take it for granted. These children are our blessing and we thank you and ask for your ever present Spirit to maintain, protect and guide their Doctors in their care.

I ask for you to forgive our sin, forgive them for what they do not know. Give me time, temperance and the ability to carry on the badly needed healing of this, my family. Allow me to lead with my words, the words of the Father only.

I ask all this my Lord in Your Name. Amen

My Prayer

2009-01-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father, I need your assistance badly. I can hardly breathe from the fear. Calm my storms, hear my prayer. I go through all of this at least once a month. It's way too much.

Give me the words and strength to conquer this. Give me the support I so badly need.I know that you are my only hope in this trying time. It is you that I lean upon. It is you, my Lord, that I pray to and rely upon. It is you, I believe that will answer my prayers and come to my aid.

All walls are pressing in. They all rely upon me to be their strength when I can hardly stand on my own. Allow me to be strong to give "Your Words" and not my own. Allow me to begin to lead and heal this family, with your help.

I praise you heavenly Father. I give you thanks and praise. I worship your holy name and I know that my fear is not from you. I ask you to repel it and to sooth my aching mind, body and spirt. In Jesus Name, I pray. Amen

A Reminder From The Father

2009-01-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

G-Ma's Girls

2008-12-21T17:11:00.001-08:00

These are 4 out of the 6 girls, my own beautiful granddaughter's;

Jessie, Toryanna, Samantha and Aries

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Good Gravy

2008-12-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

I thought it amusing tonight as I was making gravy, I actually prayed for it to turn out well. Yes, when we include our Lord in all things, they just taste so much better. Wow!

Moral Hygiene

2008-12-11T05:41:00.000-08:00

I do not know how I came to this resolve, it must have been another "Ah ha" moment of mine? But I got to thinking about tooth decay in this ah ha moment and it's correlation with our Spiritual health.

Countless times, every single day, you will see T.V. commercials about toothpaste. This one talks about "whitening and brightening" while that one talks about it's propensity to fight tooth decay and so on. I doubt I could tally how many times I have watched these commercials through a lifetime of even limited television watching. I bet it's in the thousands.

As well, parents across the nation do our best to teach and remind our children about the importance of every day brushing to prevent that dreaded tooth decay. I'd be willing to bet that they remind their children about brushing their teeth, especially before bed. They might even remember this before they even remember to pray with their children, a habit which has unfortunately decreased, so it seems, throughout these years.

I guess the point is I think that reading the Word is or can be correlated with good dental hygiene; We brush to delay dental decay and we must read the Word every day to protect our souls from Spiritual decay. The more we brush the less likely we are to get cavities. The more we read of the Word the less apt we are to fall prey to moral decay.

More importantly, if we looked at this in the same simple way we do brushing our teeth, our lives would certainly be changed...forever. We must take our moral hygiene as seriously as the outward decay we see and the pain involved with a cavity. The preventive measures we might take if we viewed that moral decay in the same fashion as dental decay and the principles behind this are mind blowing.

With a renewed sense of awareness, especially how we teach and train our children, this simple yet complex premise is something we should all consider and think about. The Word will certainly "whiten and brighten" better than any toothpaste known to man.

A Step-Mothers Story

2008-11-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

I don't think she has even a clue. It's quite possible that she does not realize just how much, how grateful I am for her. When no one else cared, when I'd been, deservedly, kicked to the curb, she still showed me love, unconditional love. She was and is the finest example of a true Christian; Love the sinner, hate the sin. And I know she prayed for me even when I never deserved those prayers or her love. And worst of all, she bore such pain alone. Yes, Teri was my step-mom but all these years later, I see that she has loved me like her own.

My Father, her husband died years ago of Cancer. In the midst of all that was going on at that time, near the death of my Father, I was in a relationship with an extremely abusive man. Long story short, I can not blame him for everything that went wrong in my life and at that time but he led me down the path to hell. I can not blame him for the fact that as my father lay dying, he ran from the situation as he had been close to my Dad. He loved and respected my Father. Amusingly, after he had beat me and blackened my eye, my Father came and put the fear of God into him. He knew that my Father allowed him to live, it was that simple.

He drug me with him and I allowed it. I didn't see that I had a choice. Maybe it was easier to let him tell me what to do, where to go, etc.? But the fact remains that all these years later, as I sometimes grieve for my Daddy, the man who held me close and made everything alright, the man who I know would have died and killed for me, I have the realization that it was Teri who lovingly and with great sacrifice, a sacrifice not known in words, let my Father know it was ok for him to leave. It was Teri who stood by his side, by his death bed. She faced it all alone. I was too immature to accept the finality of it all, too cowardly to look my Father in the eyes as he passed.

I never said good-bye and my last words to my father are not known except that I do remember simply saying that "Dad we are Fighting Irish, remember that." No, I could not accept that this man could die. Hell, he was bigger than life, stronger than steel and even though he wasn't a big man, he was huge to me. He was and will always be my Hero. Hero's don't die, do they? How can a man who I watched run into a burning building and carry out a child, singed but alive, how could he die, this man who carried two guns at all times and was never afraid, who taught me to "face my fears, head on" how could he die?

He had helped me climb the entire length of the fire departments ladder truck telling me, "Don't be afraid, I am right here. Now face your fears," as I climbed and climbed for what seemed like forever. When I finally reached the top, like climbing Mt. Everest, it was almost dusk. He smiled like he had a secret and told me, "Now look how beautiful it is up here. You've faced your fears and look at the reward," and he pointed out at the landscape of the city, lit up and just awesome. I no longer had a fear of heights which, much to his dismay, I was then busted after I'd climbed the water tower behind the yards across the street. Yes, I was in deep poo poo as I tried to get out of it. It was rather difficult to dispel when he pointed out to me, my name so boldly spray painted all over the water tower. But he was secretly smiling the whole time as he scolded me in front of my mother, sending me to my room.

What he taught me about facing my fears, I had applied to everything but his death.

I happily introduced Teri to Jim, that night, so many years ago. Oddly enough, actually, it's not odd at all but I feel that Jim was heaven sent, my own Father picked him to pick of the pieces he left behind in his death. I see now that my Father asked God to intervene on her behalf as she was so devastated at the loss of my Father. It had to have been a rather lonely period of time for Teri. God sent this hand picked fella, who became Teri's husband and father to my brothers, a package deal. Jim has raised my two brothers, Brian and Steven. My brothers have grown up, gone to college and have become productive members of society, guys that I am proud of. I just know that they will be alright, they'll make it. I realize that Teri and Jim's influence made all the difference.

If I never said it before I am so truly grateful that Jim has been there not only to raise my brothers but as a good husband to my Fathers wife. Teri loved my Daddy, took care of him and was there when he died. No, it was not me, who held my Fathers hand and looked into his eyes, lovingly as he took his dying breath. It was Teri, my wonderful, caring and unselfish to a fault, step-mom who bore this alone.

My daddy, even though he was stronger than life, must have been scared when he could no longer breathe but I believe with all the fiber of my being that it was Teri and Jesus that made it alright, that gave my father the calm assurance and permission, that it was ok to go and that we had the faith that all would be well. No, I was not there, a pain I have carried for more than a decade.

Although it may have taken me all these years, you know to mature enough to realize, I do see how much of a blessing Jim has been, it truly is an act of God. Yes, stuck in my own pain, with the loss of my Father and then my own husband and with all that was going on at the time, all the horror that was my life, my mind, my life was so clouded and I could not see.

My Step-Mother, through all these years, has been so supportive. Even in her busy life, you know the dredge of a working mother and wife, she has always managed to creep into my life in my moments of despair. How does she do it? Even this little email gave me hope...

I needed to read this...

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

My Prayer

2008-11-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

My Lord, I am grateful that they finally listened to me. This pain consumes me and having the meds to help me is primary. Please Lord, take this problem with filling the meds and handle it as I know only you can. I imagine it will certainly make me appreciate them. Right now I am chomping at the bit with worry over this. You are The Great Physician and I know you run that office. Cut through this red tape my Lord. I come to you sweet Jesus and I ask for you help. Forgive my sin and help me. Who might I turn to? You are my God, the King of Kings, my heavenly Father. Take my hand and tell me it will be alright. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like a junkie and I don't like it. Take this shame from me, please and help me Lord, please, I beg you? I praise Your Holy Name. Amen

You Are "The Answer"

2008-11-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord, I am so frightened. My world seems so dark. I know that Your Word is the answer. Take away my fear and replace it with calm assurance. Only You my Lord are able to do this. Yes, my world is dark and You are the Light.

Heavenly Father, give me the words and wisdom to attain the answer. Warm this Doctors heart, that he might listen to me and hear my cries of pain. You are the Great Physician, his boss. I ask Lord, that you guide this man in his instruction. I ask dear Lord, that You will give this man the answers that I so badly need.

I believe that You alone have the answers. I believe that You are the answer. Selah

I have begun to take notice. I have begun to understand that You alone govern all things, even the hearts and minds of man. I know without a single doubt that You have the power over all of this, my life, my pain. I have come to a realization that I have tried to do things on my own. This is a dark and desolate place to be. Light my path sweet Jesus. Take my hand and walk with me please. Hear my cries, my desperation. I can not do this alone. Only You, my Master can help me. I plead with You, I implore with You to listen to my prayers.

My prayers to You Heavenly Father are that I might learn from this and use it to Your glory. I beg for a pardon for the many years, a culmination of sin. My sin, my behavior has caused such great pain in my mind, body and soul. As well, I have harmed many because of my sinful and selfish behaviors. Forgive me Father and allow me to rise above it. Do not let this have hold of me any longer. I beg You my precious Lord. To this day, I pay for the consequences of my actions. I also realize that I will continue to pay but if I have Your forgiveness, I may live. My children pay, their children pay for the sins of both the Father and Mother. Forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive them for the wrong they have done because of what I may have taught them. These sins weigh upon me so heavily. I am drowning. Save me Father. I am Your daughter and I ask for Your help now.

This has been a long journey but I have arrived with the realization that You and You alone are the Answer. Allow me to move forward instead of the digress I suffer from now. Allow me in the Autumn of my life some peace and joy again. This can only happen if I know you have forgiven me. I can not go another minute with this sin upon me. Forgive it and allow me to live again. Why do I struggle so with all of this?

Today is important to me, my Lord. I was crazy sick last time. Let this Doctor not concentrate on that or any other matter but to hear my words. Let nothing else matter but to effectively treat my pain, please? Yes, warm his heart to my situation. Give him the answers as You are my Doctor, You are his Superior, You run that office. Why did I not see the importance of coming to You first and foremost? I see now that I was trying to do it all alone, relying on myself.

It was as if I was blind, driving a car. I wreck and wreck and wreck until there is but a shell. I ask You Sweet Sweet Jesus to drive the car. I lean upon You and I ask for wisdom and guidance. I am so very lost. Please take my hand and guide my way. I do believe that You are this Answer, the only Answer, the ultimate Answer and I must learn to seek You first, in all things.

You know my Lord, I have lived my life and learned all things the hard way. This is why it is such an "Ah Ha" moment for me when I do come to the understanding that if I seek you first and include You in all things, I just might do the right thing. I just might see a positive outcome.

Yes, I seek Your face, I seek Your blessings. I have barely made it through this life. I am scarred and scared but I know that if I seek You first, I seek Your blessings and rely only upon You, all will be well.

My Lord, my Master, King of all Kings, I come before You. I kneel at Your feet. I humbly ask for Your forgiveness and for Your blessings on this very day. I ask for Your intervention on my behalf. Please help me, my Lord. Please drive the car, hold my hand and light my way. I am so weak, my mind is muddled and such a mess. Calm my fears, take away this pain. Be my Answer, yes, You and You alone are the only Answer. I praise Your Holy Name. Amen

The Only Answer

2008-11-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

My Lord and Master, how can I possibly thank you for making possible the impossible? I recognize the empty file that should have been full, brimming with my history, bad blood, bad deeds. But it was not there, the slate wiped clean. I thank you for the reprieve, a pardon I do not deserve. You are a gracious and loving King and I feel your blessings. That is and was a miracle in itself. I am so thankful and so very aware.

Forgive my sin, Father and allow me the strength to do what I must. I so badly want to walk in Your Light. Give me the wisdom to lead by example, the strength to carry on, carry through. Help me sweet Jesus, I need you now. My family needs you now.

There is an air of dissension and I don't know how to stop it. Let the truth rule, my Lord and allow his heart to be calm, be still in confidence. Let the youngest realize before it is too late that he is flirting with disaster. Keep him safe, please my Lord? I fear for him. Let him begin to understand that all this does not serve him. Let him begin to understand that the measure of a man is not, can not be what he has seen. Let the damage be undone. Let him begin to realize that the measure of a man is not just how hard he works but what he does with his family, the reason he works. He runs because he has such a hard time facing a sick son. He runs because he feels so frustrated, his hands are tied. Allow him to realize that his only answer is to rely on You. The answer lies in his faith because he must know that You and You alone are and will always remain his only hope. Let him begin to see that he must go to You, my King, bow down before you and beg for his sons life. I see how, I see now, how and why you use this child and his sickness. It will be to Your glory, my sweet Lord, will it not? Yes, You are the only answer to his suffering.

Allow the other son to realize that now is the time to man up. Let this be a joyous time, with the news of a baby to be born to my son. He is afraid and he does not know where to turn, what to do. He is stuck. Give me the words, allow me to plant the seeds in his heart that will allow him to proceed, to do the right thing by his family. It is time. Let him work through this self loathing so he might rise above it all, his fear, his shame. It can not go on any longer as it is. I pray that You might spur him on and give him the strength to do what he must. Again, my Master, you are the only answer.

Comfort the oldest. Let him get past his pain, shame and forgive his sin. I plead for his life my Lord. Hear my prayers for this kind and gentle, loving and good hearted son. Forgive him, forgive me if it is wrong. Show me the clear and definitive answer as I continue to give him unconditional love just as he has given me. Let me not encourage what is wrong. Quiet the storms in his heart and mind. Guide and comfort him my Lord God. Let him see as well that You are his answer.

Allow me to be the Matriarch of this family. Thus far, I am failing. Give me strength and wisdom as they lean on me. I pray for these mothers, may they do right by their children, may we break the chain of sinful behaviors. Allow me to remember that they watch me for answers. May I remember that I do not have them but You do.

Lord, it's all culminating, coming to a head and I am so afraid. Give me the words and wisdom for these Doctors to hear me and help me. I feel as if I can not go on like this much longer. Something must give. You are my only hope, my only answer. I praise Your Holy Name my great and powerful King, my Answer. Amen

My Fervent Prayer

2008-10-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

I stood at the foot of the cross. I could not even look up, there was such shame. A drop of blood fell upon my face...

My Lord, my Master, please have mercy upon me. I dig my own holes, I know this. I am weak but you are strong. Please hold me up and help me. Please forgive my many sins and let me live. Don't let this get me, please.

Place it upon their hearts to know my intention. Warm their souls to my plight. Please do not allow me to fall over this. I am scared, I am paralyzed with fear. Give me the strength to just get through this.

I believe you know my heart, no, I know you know me. You can see into the dark recesses of my mind, my heart, my very soul and You know how I struggle with this. What a mess. Show me the answer, show me the way. Please do not allow me to fall here. It is so dark, I am so afraid. Hold my hand, please Great and powerful King.

Place it upon her heart and mind that she holds the key to my immediate future. Allow her to know my fear and not condemn me for it but to understand. I am so very afraid. Please my Lord, you know my suffering, you know my pain. I am sick of being sick. I am tired of living this way. Please come to my assistance as I know only You can. You alone, have the power to place this upon her heart, this understanding and need. It is very real, too real, too painful.

You are an awesome God, You are my only God and only You have dominion over all this. Please my merciful Master, come to my assistance. I praise Your Holy Name...

Each new day is wrought with fear. I do not want to live like this. Forgive me and move these stones. Take away the sins of the father and the mother and allow my children to no longer suffer for what we've done. I realize and embrace it all. I am remorseful and I recognize the err. Bless this family and allow them to walk in Your light as well. Forgive them for what they did not know. Forgive them for the things I taught them, forgive us all and begin the blessings. Take away the sickness, manage the mental pain and anguish we all have and let us work through and move past all this garbage.

Forgive my selfish heart? Forgive my addiction? Tell me it will be alright, my Lord? Show me what to do. Give me the wisdom and knowledge to be this Matriarch, the good Mother and Grandmother. Let me lead by example and allow my past to be just that. Please heal me, my Sweet Jesus. Mend this broken soul and erase the black from my heart.

Do not allow him to win. Guard me, my Lord. Place Your Angels around my family, all of us. They attack us, they want to hurt us, they want to break us. Please do not allow it. Mend this family, please? Only You have the power to do all this. I ask all this in Jesus Name. Amen

Guilt

2008-10-22T07:12:00.000-07:00

The World has one way of assigning and defining Guilt, while, I believe that the Christian overview is different. The very definitions per Merriam-Webster accentuates, what I would call, a worldly definition;

1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty ; broadly : guilty conduct2 a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach3: a feeling of culpability for offenses

So, how does a Christian define "Guilt?" I think it's extremely important to know and understand not only the word but the Word concerning guilt.

As I researched this very word, I found a compelling article on Torah.org
It is written by Rabbi Dovid Hochberg. I did not want to quote it here because of copyrights but it is a really good way of seeking Repentance (Teshuva) and the understanding of guilt.

We must first feel guilt and then hopefully remorse for our transgression. We then seek the Father and repent, praying for absolution, right? But the important part comes shortly after your true repentance, your true heart felt prayers and request from the father to forgive. This last part is what I am having such a hard time with. It is also my revelation...

To sin is the way of the world, the humanity of me. I want to be as far from this as possible yet I find every single day, laying down at night and in my prayers, I am asking for forgiveness. I imagine I am not too different, am I, from your average person, your average sinner? (There was a time when I would have said, "Yes, I am different, I am worse and a heathen." But that is no more, Jesus and I are pals)

This guilt thing has got to go. My guilt can be so heavy, weigh me so far down it can literally make me sick. No, I am not your average person or your average sinner. I am in constant spiritual warfare CONSTANT!!! But I love my Lord and I strive every single day, every waking hour to fight the good fight. It is easy to take the girl off the street. But let me tell ya sister, it ain't easy taking the street off the girl.

The thing is though, I have to remind myself on the daily, every minute that Christ died for MY sins, not just everybody elses. I have to remind myself that when I ask for forgiveness...it's a done deal...move on...get over it. But it's not so easy for me. Satan just loves to remind me of all the filth I did, of every dirty deed, especially when and where it concerns my children. I was not the best mother. My addictions came first and they suffered. God forgive me!

Is is not a test of faith, of everything I know when Satan throws some memory in my face and you can betcha I have a vivid memory, to not be buried in insurmountable guilt? That guilt almost killed me just a year ago. I fell and I fell really hard. I hurt my family, namely my little Sister. I look back and see that my anger towards her and my pain spurred me on to ruin. Yes, anger kills.

The leaves are all around me, the smell of Autumn resonates through my nose. I used to say that every Autumn, I fell in love. It could be with the same man, yes my husband but I would fall in love in the Fall. It is my favorite time of year. But as of late, what do you think is going through my head?
This exact time, last year, I was driving to Brooklyn two or three times a week...

I am on Pain meds and was going to a Pain Management Clinic in Syosset, NY, once a month. The kind of meds I am on, require that you be seen once a month and carry a written prescription to your Pharmacy. I messed up the time of my appointment and was 45 minutes late. They refused to see me. I was devastated. I started going through withdrawal from the meds. Life had kicked me in the teeth over and over at that point. I knew how to get a quick remedy for that awful, dreaded feeling and sickness; Heroin.

I'd been clean from it for 9 years almost to the day. I'd fought tooth and nail to stay that way. But a series of events and situations, lies and alibi's changed all that. I first lied to myself thinking that I could do the heroin just for temporary...wrong! My new clinic appointment wasn't for another three weeks. I saw no other way...

I felt the hair on the back of my neck singed off, the flames of hell were so close. He lied to me again, I lied to me again. God help me? In those three short weeks, I worked up an appetite for destruction and when I did finally get my meds back, they were like taking nothing. My plan had backfired so badly and in the wake of destruction, I'd lied and alibied.

By Thanksgiving I'd tried to hang myself 4 times. As I stood on the little chair, each time I would attempt it, I begged God to forgive me, the pain was just too much. I should be dead. It should have worked. Was it Angels which held me up each time as I fought on my tip toe to untie the cord from my neck, almost blacking out? Thank you Sweet Jesus. Yes, I do know how selfish I was. Yes, I do know how wrong it was. Please forgive me Heavenly Father?

The shame and the guilt are so deeply cut into me, I am scourged and the scars are all over me. I must believe that I am forgiven. My Master, please tell me that I might walk by Your side, in Your Light. I beseech you to hold my hand and tell me You still love me? I beg Your forgiveness and I ask that somehow, someway I will know that yes, you have forgiven me? Please my Lord? Amen

Pondering The Passion

2008-10-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, I get one of those "Ah ha" moments and had one this morning. It occurred to me as I lay praying, why God would give up His only Son to be crucified? I mean, why did he choose this method of all things to make a point?

It wasn't a choice, ah ha moment or a real brainy one but it was a thought filled one, one which just made perfect sense to me. I mean really, what could God have done to get man's attention on a level he might understand? Really, it might very well be in the direction of understanding or level of man's understanding that God took into consideration? And what I mean by this is I often ponder what or how would it feel if I had to give up any one of my sons?

Mother Mary stood as her son suffered. It is said that she too came close to death simply in bearing the pain and suffering of the act of His crucifixion. I can not imagine her pain. She was human, yet the mother of God and I do take comfort in the fact that it is apparent, that her very faith must have been challenged to be able to let go and trust in the heavenly Father.

"Let go and let God," to the n'th power, huh?

What I mean is that I often question my own faith and I don't know if comfort is the correct word but as I read the Word, the even temporary lack of faith of the disciples, the very men whom witnessed first hand miracles, it helps me to put things into perspective when I might be a Doubting Thomas.

Satan/Guilt, in it's nasty loudness makes us really feel less than, in those moments of doubt and often causes us to question our very own faith. I try to assure myself that even Mary wept for her dying son, even the disciples ran for the high ground.

My ah ha moment, as I said, was not a huge revelation but simply a matter of perspective. I realized that if we were to simplify, if that is possible, what could/would be understood by man it is an understandable situation, one which we could most likely grasp the most. It would have been more prevalent in days gone by but non the less graspable.

It is hard for me to put into words what I am trying to say, this premise of perspective concerning the crucifixion so bear with me;

It is not as prevalent today as it was in the era of Christ, the condition, the life, the very crux of family life and inheritance. In today's world the variables have changed drastically when it comes to what and how we embrace family values and traditions. The days when a boy grew into a man and inherited his family business, real estate, his very inheritance are just about gone. It was almost unheard of for a man to leave his family and not tend to the farm, shop and so on. He was groomed to learn his craft, the family business or how to farm, till the land and make it all work to provide.

It was sewn upon his heart that when he grew to be a man he would take over and inherit. If the parent(s)were still living into their elder years, it was just a known fact, a way of life that you would care for those parents. There certainly were no Nursing Homes to place your aging Mom & Pop, it was just a given that you cared for them yourselves. I highly doubt it was considered a burden either as it is often viewed these days. I dare say; things have changed for the worse.

A man married, raised a family, first hoping/praying that he would have a son to inherit his life, as well and the family craft or business was passed down from generation to generation. This was relevant enough that quite often, if a family had but one son, ailing parents, etc. even the Armed Forces would excuse a man to tend to his family farm, if that man was drafted. So it was a natural response and actual ambition to have many children and again praying that they were boys. This, of course, was especially true back in time when the man would marry and the woman's father would have a dowry, another form of inheritance, wrapped up neatly in the deal. The better the dowry, the better the deal.

The hope of every mother was to give her husband a son, it being the first born who would inherit or run the business. Christ had that inheritance, was that inheritance and was the ultimate sacrifice. It is a study in human understanding, a love and loss, we might be able to grasp. In turn, we are and do inherit, via the cross and that ultimate sacrifice.

It all comes back to the "human" emotion involved in this, the crucifixion and all it entails. We must each take up the cross, an inheritance as well and feel the true and most paramount of this practice each and every day. We must try to understand why God allowed His only Son to die for each of us who do choose to carry that cross and believe in Him. We must delve into this human, most primal of emotion and understanding what it took for our Lord to suffer as He did. We must try to grasp, even in the most kindergarten of manner the full magnitude of His suffering.

Yes, we've all read the story of Christ and His crucifixion. We've probably tried to even envision the suffering. The Passion of the Christ portrays His suffering in gruesome detail and is actually a first to really portray the true prolonged anguish and privation, from the scourging, to when Christ was, prior to being removed from the cross, stabbed just below the ribs, checking to see if he had died yet. The actuality of it all, from the emotion to physicality should be really studied and comprehended. It is quite painful to think of this suffering in it's true form, is it not?

Standing on the faith that the Word of the Father is final, true, right, just and righteous would be all you'd have as foundation. Suffice it to say that I would truly have to literally stand on that faith in order to watch my child, family member, friend or Lord, put through all this to save my soul, (ah yes, my soul) and that of the common man/believer.

Each and every day, I must ask myself if I could carry that cross and am I willing to die for Him???

My Lord and Master, may I, all the days of my life, appreciate what you did for me and mine. I ask you to forgive my sin, as well as the sins of these, my children and family and allow me to walk in Your Light. Give me the strength and wisdom to do Your will. May I be privy to this ultimate sacrifice in understanding and comprehension. I praise Your holy Name. You are my King, the King of all Kings and Lord of Lords. There is no other nor greater God than You. May I remember to serve only You. May I remember on the daily, to pick up my cross and carry it, without fear, trepidation nor complaint, just as You did. Please hear my prayer of repentance? Please help me Lord in my darkest hour and know that I mean these words. Allow them to be more than words but actions in Your Name. My ultimate goal Jesus is to emulate You, to behave more like You. My wish, sweet Lord, is that when they see me, they would say, "Yes, she is a daughter of Christ." Remember my name Heavenly Father, please? Amen

My Prayer

2008-09-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

Lord, things are a bit quiet right now but I am frightened. I ask for calm reassurance. I ask for wisdom and words when I speak to my Doctor this morning. Help me find the answers, please Lord. This is an ongoing problem that is just not getting any better but in fact is worse.

All through these years when the Doctors have tried to help me they have in fact harmed me. I am afraid of them but they also hold me over a barrel with these medications. I have built up such a tolerance. Why can't they understand and help me with something? Surely I am not the first patient to have gone through this? I loathe being treated as a junkie, especially when the pain is so very real it rules my life. Lord, from this point on, I wish for nothing to rule my life but You. You are The Great Physician and I come to You for counsel. I come to You for help. I come to You and ask that you give me the words and wherewithal to make them understand what is going on and get past the shame which holds me in check. Allow me my Lord to express my true sadness over all this. Let them understand how this puts me in such a dark place, a scary place beyond horror.

I am sad about all this with my little sister as well. I never wanted to hurt her and I have. Now, I suffer the repercussions of it all. I miss out on the love of Ryan. She'll never understand the fact that I gave up so much to come to her aid. To this day, I do believe her as well as my own Mother believe that they were rescuing me. They were not. Yes, we all complain about our jobs, our pain and I had represented mine in conversation. Then it was made clear to me that she could help me get out of my situation if I helped her by coming to live with her. It was made clear also that the only way she could get this promotion she really wanted to take is if she had me there. She would have to travel and be gone, which she was, most of the time and the only way was if I came there. Thinking that I could possibly better myself in some manner, I gave up my independence, my job, my own apartment, paid with my own money. I gave up the title of my job and went from being the Manager of a large Company to being a caregiver and nothing more. But most of all, I let go of a man that loved me more than life. He did anything and everything in his power to make me smile. He wanted to marry me and I loved him so dearly. Yes, he was a simple man with lots of problems but it is so rare to find such unconditional love. I looked for fault and found it, in him. I looked for any easy out, a way to walk away and still be able to look myself in the mirror...but it was at his expense. My Lord, forgive him for killing himself, forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive me for my part in his pain.

She'll never understand how belittled it all became to me and how she made me feel, especially when she threw me out. It stung like no other blow and hurt so deeply that it almost threatened to take my life. Forgive me again, I ask Dear Father for all that I did. I could not see how wrong it all was, all of it. I could not see anything through the blinding pain, emotional and physical pain. But my sister, of all people, even if she hurt me first, is the last person I wanted to hurt.

I was wearing all this pain, guilt, anger and I behaved atrociously. I was selfish but could not see it at the time. I felt I had no other choices. But of course, my Lord, I see that they were there and my lack of faith hid them well, once again.

I suppose my Dear Jesus that there must be a way to make this right, yet I can't see it. I want my sister to know what's really going on, what happened and to understand that I had sacrificed so very much for her. As well, I wanted to please my family by helping her. I made such a mess of it all and it's as if everything I touched turned to mush.

It all weighs so heavily upon me. She is still angry with me and can only see her pain and of course not the pain that she caused, her part in this play of our lives. Show me what I should do? Show me the words to express how deeply sorry I am for hurting her. The things I did are far worse, I realize this. I am more than willing to apologize for what I've done. I do want her, them, my family to understand why I did what I did. I am willing to wear all this but I do want them to understand their part in it all because they were not innocent. And I suppose I was very angry before because they weren't willing to see that part in this design. It has felt as if I have always been that Black Sheep and of course, I just made it all seem rather plausible.

My Lord, you know my heart, you know the depths of my soul. I wish to walk in the Light. I no longer want to be condemned in their eyes as well as Yours. Please forgive me for all I have done. Please allow me to walk in Your Light. Satan has plans for me, I can feel his breath on my neck. Please do not allow me to fall. Forgive me Father, forgive me? Guard me and mine with Your Angels. Steel me with Your righteousness. Cleanse my sin and cover me with Your Blood. Guide my words and give me the wisdom to see the answers. Show me the way, the path which I should walk. I am so lost, help me sweet Jesus? Have mercy upon me?
I praise Your Holy Name. You are the King of all King's, my Master and I am Your daughter. I no longer want to be that Black Sheep but when they see me they should say, "Yes, she is His daughter."

Please Heavenly Father, hear my prayers? Hear my cries of anguish and pain? Hear how sorrowful my soul is. Hear how I beg for your forgiveness? See how I am stumbling in the darkness, lost and alone? See how I can not function in this world as my life, to this point as existed. I can bear this pain no longer and I ask for a reprieve?

Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all the rotten, shameful things I have done? Spare me Lord? I can not live with Your anger, I can barely breathe. Help me, hear me, hold my hand again. I let go, didn't I? I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen

My Prayer

2008-08-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

My Lord and Master, forgive my sins and allow me to sit at your feet once again. I pray for your blessings, I pray that you will watch over my children and grandchildren. Lord, I ask that you heal Austen. See my Lord, I believe that You and only You might heal Austen and diminish his suffering. If you choose to sweet Jesus, you might breathe life into their lungs, both Austen as well as Kassandra and take away all that scar tissue. Please minimize their suffering. I pray for your mercy, my Lord. I was too sick to see the err of my ways. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for guidance and if You could hold my hand and walk me down the path which you choose for me. I want you to smile down upon me and mine. Never leave me my Lord. Have grace and mercy upon me all the days of my life. Heavenly Father, allow me enough time to right some of this wrong. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen

My Prayer

2008-08-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father, hear me groan. Please forgive me? I seek your face. I ask for grace and mercy for my sin. I try to be strong and I fell. Was I being punished when I literally fell? I deserved it and I am sorry. Please help me as I am in so much pain.

My Lord, I know that I repeat my sin, not often but it weighs heavily upon me. I ask for strength to fight the opponent. Give me wisdom to see how he twists things and lies to me. I have learned from this and I do not want to fall again, figuratively and literally. Please forgive me.

Sweet Jesus walk with me again and call me by my name. I can not take your unbridled anger. I can not take this shame. I must be in your light or I will wither and waste away.

Hear my calls for your help, hear my anguish and pain. Allow me to walk in your light again. Allow me to know your forgiveness and mercy. Stay with me in the darkest hour. I beg for Your Spirit to pray with me, to guide me, to show me the way. I am so lost and need your light to find my way back.

You are the Great Physician, give me the tools to find healing. Give instruction to your minions in my repair, Oh Lord. You are my Lord and Master and I shall not want. I come to You for favor. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen

My Prayer

2008-08-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

I seek your face, my Lord. I pray you will forgive my sins and hear my prayers to you?

Why do I feel so out of touch. I want to walk in your light. I realize that when I am not within the scope/distance of your light, it is only darkness and I can not see. Help me sweet Jesus. Please help me and help my family. As well, forgive the sins of my children, forgive them for what they do not know.

I plead the blood over my children and theirs, my grandbabies. I ask you to open doors for them, as only you can do. I realize that I have no control over the situation and it makes me worry some. I realize it is a lack of faith to worry as I do. So, I come to you, heavenly Father and ask for your help.

My son Waylon needs to find a safe and affordable home for he and his family. I am truly grateful, my Lord, that you moved mountains, you answered my prayers concerning Waylon. You kept him safe, you gave him back his job and he was able to pay his fines off, such a good thing. Now, his energy, time and money need to apply to getting a home for his family. I am more than grateful that, with every prayer, you have honored and afforded good health for his son, Austen. I am also thankful that you opened that door of opportunity concerning the lawyer to fight for Austen's case. Austen and Kassandra have Cystic Fibrosis, a terrible diagnosis but with your intervention, my Lord, they need never to suffer. I ask that you place your Angels around them. I ask that you heal their scarred lungs and remove the build up of mucous within their system, attributed to this insidious disease. Only you may do this my King and I believe that you are the only reason they remain healthy. I believe that you hear and answer my prayers and I am grateful.

Then, I hope and pray that Waylon will see the problems within his extended family and work on his relationship with his other children. Things are so strained with the relationship with his daughter Jaylynn. Her mother is quite adamant about keeping us all out. She has nothing nice to say about Waylon and says that he is good for nothing. There's always three sides to every story, Hers, His and the Facts. May they both look in the mirror and see the truth. I ask for direction as to how to proceed there. I want a good relationship, I want to know my granddaughter Jaylynn. Please help me, my Lord.

I thank you for the opening of closed doors concerning Waylon's other daughter, Kassandra. She will be 10 on August 4th and it has taken all these years to begin the healing process. It has been a long wait, many years upon years to get to this juncture but I am grateful for any steps forward. Lord, you know that I have prayed, every night of my life for Kassandra to breathe. Once again, you have honoroed my prayers. Show me the way sweet Jesus?

I pray for direction for my other two sons, Lee and Bill. They are so lost. Help them please? May your will be done my Lord. It is the hardest thing for me to let go, close my eyes and have the faith that the things they must go through, those everyday trials and tribulations are a must and I must not interfere or cushion and comfort. My Lord, you know of what I speak/write. Yes, I realize that they must go through such things to round up, round out who they will be. I feel you move through this family with the realization that all things happen for a reason. But it does hurt to see them suffer sweet Jesus. Will you comfort me please?

Satan you will not win, I am the daughter of Jesus!

I wrote about 10 paragraphs after this. It was about my pain concerning my family, especially my sister. I went to copy that part to mail to my sister and it simply disappeared. Was I not to send it? Or was it Satan having his way with me? Show me the way my Lord. He threatens my very existence. Help me please sweet Jesus?

Pray For "C"

2008-07-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

She pushed me away and I can't get her out of my mind. Yes, this young lady has gone through so much for as young as she is. Pray that God heals her, will you?

I first got a letter back in October of last year maybe? This girl went through the ultimate betrayal; The molestation by her father. He also allowed his friends to rape her and to this day or as of last writing, they were harassing her after she'd had her father jailed and had been ripped from her home. You can read about it here;

You Hold the Key

Your Life

I offered her my help from day one. I even gave her my personal phone number and begged her to call me. She never called.

I've received a few letters, not as bad as hers but letters from those in distress, no where to turn, simply looking for some direction. In her case and I'll call her "C" I'd promised to help her if she only told me where she was. She wouldn't and all I had was an email address. I contacted my local Police and they basically said their hands were tied. How shallow and shameful?

After C had taken my advice and called her local authorities, had her father jailed for the abuse and so forth, she'd written and told of being followed, emailed, threatened and was getting phone calls from the men who'd molested her, her fathers friends. I didn't know what to do or how to help, especially if she wouldn't call me or tell me where she was. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me help her?

I contacted my local police department after I'd moved to a new town. I knew many of these Officers personally and begged them for their help. Their hands were tied as well but they did cut to the chase and referred me to the F.B.I. who were as cooperative as possible. The Agent also informed me that her situation was dire at best, if this girl wouldn't share where she was. I mean they couldn't search or whatever you might think simply from an email address. After giving them all the info, I contacted C again and told her that I'd talked to an Agent and she could contact them, they'd be more than happy to help her. C became angry with me and put me on "Notice." She stated that I was not to do anything further.

Again, I still could not comprehend what was going on? I realize now that once your trust in the closest thing to your heart, your daddy, is broken, it has the most profound effect on trusting anyone every again. My frustration poured forth and I was almost angry that she would not allow me to help her. All she had to do was call me or let me know where she was and I would make the calls, do whatever it took to make her safe. No trust.

When things are beyond our reach, out of our control, seemingly unfixable, I realize that I must,
"Let Go & Let God." Why didn't I go to my heavenly Father before now? I was trying to do it all myself. Why didn't I see this before?

I pray for Divine Intervention. I pray that C is safe. I pray for Angels to be placed all around her and no more harm will be done to this little girl. I pray that God will choose to heal her troubled soul. I pray that He steps in and takes control. I pray that the damage done to her impressionable mind will be healed. I pray for her calm assurance. I pray that trustworthy people will find her and release her from this torment as she must be so scared and alone. Yes, my God can do all these things and I wish I'd turned to him before this. I've learned a valuable lesson;

When in doubt, just reach out. Can't get through it, ask God to do it. Can't see the Light, pray for God's Might. And in your darkest hour call on God's Power!

Please pray with me for C

You Hold the Key

Your Life

My Prayer; Doors of Understanding

2008-07-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father,

I am more than grateful for all you have bestowed upon me and even more so for the wisdom to see such things, such wonderful situations as gifts. Many times, more than not, I have prayed to you for wisdom and discernment. I do believe you have given these gifts to me on a consistent and daily basis. But most of all, to appreciate the smallest of things, whether monetary, emotional or even a scenario, a chance encounter, a brief interlude or reunion of souls, I have and can enjoy and see the value. I am rich beyond the richest.

My Lord, you have blessed me with the ability to use my empathy to help others. It took quite some time to stop the "poor me's" or even the "why me's" to come to the conclusion that all things happen for a reason. As well, I now know that everything happens for a reason, it is Divine Destiny with no such thing as luck coincidence or magic. When I became this, with the scales fallen from my eyes and I was one who could see, it opened many doors of understanding. It was as if I almost learned the Secret to Life.

Being aware of this, the comprehension of blessings surely allows me to become grateful for even the smallest of things. But I do realize this starts with faith born/based behavior. Sweet Jesus, I thank you for the finite of faith, that faith of a child I have been privy to. It is simple, so very simple in it's complexities.

As I spoke with my oldest Grandson, Lil Bill, I can see why we must have the faith of a child. I can also see that I am charged with making sure this child, on what may seem his lonliest night, knows that he is never ever alone. It eludes me as to why I was speaking to him about it all but I was speaking about application of faith. Me and Lil Bill have talked quite a bit as of late. He thrives on these intimate moments.

I was relating to him, concerning his belief in You, my Lord.

I asked him if he believed in You? He said that he did but couldn't answer me, just why he believed. "I'm glad you believe." I blew into his face and asked him if he could feel my breath? He, of course stated that he could. I said, did you see my breath? He said that he didn't, "But you know it was my breath, right?" He shook his head "yes." I took him to the kitchen window and had him observe the trees, the leaves gently caressed by the wind. "Do you see the leaves, the branches moving?," I asked to which he nodded yes. "Do you see the wind that is blowing it?" He looked at me puzzled and shook his head "No." "He smiled. I smiled. "That's exactly what Jesus is like, just like the wind, the air. You do know without that air, you will die, don't you?" He looked puzzled again. "God is that air, that wind. You can't see him but He is there, He is the wind. He sees all that we do and we are never alone, Lil Bill. And without Him we will die." Now he had a serious look on his face and a depth of understanding in his eyes. Ah the faith of a child...

Lord forgive me for not being more readily available. My sweet Jesus convict me and place it upon my heart to teach these grandchildren that they need only to come to you, in good and bad, sickness and in health all the days of their lives. Allow me this time to teach them that while you don't always give out a charmed life and that they will suffer the growing pains of salvation, you will always be there with love, calm assurance and you will hold their hand in the worst of times. Allow me to show them that they must not count on anything but you my King of Kings. Allow me to instill in them that all things good come from the Father but I want them to recognize those things and see them plainly, clearly.

Interview With God

2008-06-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

Interview With God

I imagine this has been around for some time but it was my first time seeing it. Isn't it nice to be inspired, even with a few words to put life back into perspective?

I spoke to my, soon to be 10 year old granddaughter, Kassandra for the first time in almost 9 years. I was nervous but am more than thankful to hear her meek yet charming voice. Youth, stubborn youth had kept us apart.

Kassandra is my youngest sons first born. Waylon and Amanda were a mere 17 years old when they became parents. They were young and spirited and of course too young to become parents. Need I say more?

When Kassandra was born, I was clean a matter of a month plus, from a long term addiction to opiates. The damage was done though and the focus was not on my clean time but on the things I had done prior to getting clean. I can blame no one but myself for this. All the best intentions in the world, mattered not.

My son Waylon and Amanda grew apart. They fought constantly. At that time, I had answered charges against me in Pa. for Obtaining a Drug by Fraud (I forged a prescription) and was being held, made to stay in Pa. for the duration of my sentence of Probation. I had a little apartment, which I shared with my oldest son, Lee. More often than not, Waylon called it home as well. He and Amanda had been at odds for some time. After Christmas, Amanda had her step-dad drop her and baby Kassandra off to visit us. I welcomed the visit.

Amanda had lived with us before and we had become actually close. Unfortunately, I took her along on drug runs as my addiction clouded my judgment terribly. Yes, Amanda saw way too much but I gave her credit for her spunk and she had so much heart. She was fearless. I considered her as my daughter-in-law and a friend, a close friend. Even though her and my son could be at odds and she was not blameless in their ultimate demise, I always took up for Amanda. Quite actually, I wanted her to be with my son. See, I knew she loved Waylon with all her heart. They say that a boy looks for a girl closest to his Ma to marry. Amanda was so much like me except she was basically a good girl. I not only liked Amanda but I loved her like a daughter. Thus, I encouraged them both to work things out. It was not to be...

My beautiful Grandbaby, Kassandra was born with Cystic Fibrosis. I was incarcerated when she was born on August 4, 1998. I wasn't released until Aug.31st and was not allowed to leave the State of Pa. They'd not diagnosed Kassandra as yet, when I received the call that she was in the hospital, in Jamestown, NY, a half hour drive from the little town of Warren, Pa. where I resided. I snuck up to N.Y. to visit my grandchild for the very first time. I held her in my arms, for the very first time, in a rocking chair, in her hospital room. She was beautiful and it broke my heart, this little baby so sick with an I.V. in her tiny arm. Was it maturity that allowed me to see my own eyes in this little girl? I'd had three sons and never really noticed my own eyes in any of them like I noticed them in her. It was the oddest thing, now that I think of it but it was actually the very first time, maybe an actuality only afforded to Grandmothers?

Kassandra was still little, the very last time I saw her. It was that day when they were dropped off at my apartment. The problem was that when Amanda hopped out of her step-dad's truck, she'd left the baby's meds under the seat. In order for Kassandra to even eat, she'd have to have her Pancreatic Enzymes. At that time, if she didn't have her meds before she ate, she would usually vomit and easily apsirate or get formula/vomit in her lungs causing an easy case of pneumonia. It was a crisis, in my mind. We couldn't get a hold of her step-dad or anybody else for that matter to get those meds brought down to us.

I worked myself into a frenzy as I used the pay phone downstairs, in front of my apartment building. I'd not talked to my ex but found myself, devil may care, calling him for his help. Amanda had more meds at her house and by this time, it seemed an emergency. My ex offered his uninsured, unregistered vehicle. He'd throw some old tags on it and I said I would drive it, on the back roads, all the way to where Amanda lived in Jamestown. My ex rode along, us both worried but unhindered in our quest.

I kissed the baby good bye, outside of Amanda's home. She felt it best to drop them off instead of going with us for the half hour drive back. I think you could have probably cut the stress, in the air with a knife. I imagine I would have opted for staying put, at her home myself as all this had the elements of a horrid scene from a really bad play. It would be the last time I would see my grandbaby...

I guess all things happen for a reason and I do not believe there's any such thing as luck, coincedence or magic but for the life of me, I could never fathom the fact that at that very moment in time, a Chautauqua County Sheriff Dept. Deputy would be coming up the same little traveled back road as myself. I had no license and the car was close to being barely road worthy. I saw him heading towards me on the opposite side and I speeded up trying to get away as I saw him turning around. I took a right turn, on a side street and pulled into a driveway hoping he'd go right past. He didn't and saw me pulling in right behind me. next thing you know, I was arrested and issued 7 tickets. It was off to jail.

My boss bailed me out and I ended up owing him most of my paychecks for several months. Once released, I had to report to Probation and explain to my Officer why I was in N.Y. without permission not to mention the 7 tickets. I never cared too much for this particular probation Officer but even though she gave me hell, she must have had some semblance of understanding as she could've violated me on the spot.

Possibly, I'm not the brightest bulb but if I had to, I mean if that situation was today...I'd do it all again.

I Wish You Enough

2008-06-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure of her flight. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'. The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'. They kissed and the daughter left. The motherwalked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'. Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'. 'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?'. She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory. I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them. Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends. TAKE TIME TO LIVE... To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH (Courtesy of my good friend Bratlin)

My Prayer

2008-06-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yes Lord, so much to be grateful for...

My son Waylon, in Iowa has been untouched by all the horrible flooding in his area. I pray for comfort, guidance and quick response to those in need in that area. I can't imagine suddenly having to deal with my home and possessions under water. So much to be thankful for, so many prayers needed. Selah

As well, Waylon's son, Austen who has Cystic Fibrosis has been doing well. He's a little "Tank" as they like to call him. He's gaining weight, eating well and seems to be doing fairly well. I can already tell that he's such a blessing to all around him. Waylon has his old job back and even though he's working 72 hours a week, it's better than not and if he's working it's less time for him to "find trouble" right?

Bill, my middle son is going for a marriage license tomorrow. He will be my first son to marry, his blushing bride, Halena. They'll actually celebrate their 11th year together on the 18th. They're shooting to get hitched on that day, the 18th of June. Believe it or not, it is not Bill who didn't want to get married. No, Halena felt it would change things or alter their relationship, a superstitious unfounded thought process. But Bill has wanted to marry Halena for forever and I do believe he will be happier than a pig in poo, lol. I graciously welcome her to the Moore-O'Dwyer Clan.

Lee has moved from Dubois and is within a 25 minute drive from me. This is a super positive step forward for him. He has had a hard time seeing the forest through the trees but I'm more than willing to hack every tree, if need be, for him to smile again.

I'm loving life when it comes to being surrounded by my kids and grandkids. I spent the early afternoon with my granddaughter, Jessie and her daughter Toryanna. We went to Pizza Hut and had salad.

I pray that sometimes soon, I get to see my youngest son, Waylon and my new grandson Austen. My life would be complete. In the mean time, I can certainly be grateful for these small minuscule moments of love, laughter and family. Thank you, my sweet Lord!

Am I A Fireman Yet?

2008-06-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

My Father was LT. O'Dwyer in the Arlington County as well as Fairfax County Virginia Fire Dept. He was my hero and I wanted to be just like him. In my old age, this made me cry.

In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.

Although her heart was filled with sadness, she
also had a strong feeling o f determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up
& fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.

The leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true.

She took her son's hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and

wish what you would do with your life?'

Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'

Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'

Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix ..

She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible to give her 6
year-old son a ride around the block
on a fire engine.

Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, th e whole nine yards!

And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the

emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'

'They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so
we can get them fast.'

Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him
from his hospital bed to the waiting hook
and ladder truck.

Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and
help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.

There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.

He rode in the differ ent fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car.

He was also videotaped for the local news program.

Having his dream come true, with all the love and

attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.

One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.

Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman,
so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible
to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see
the lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?' 'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?'

About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its l adder up to Billy's third floor open window-------- 16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room.
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him. With his dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,

'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'

'Billy, you are, and
the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,'

the chief said

With those words, Billy smiled and said, 'I know, He's been holding my hand all day,

and The angels have been singing..'

He closed his eyes one last time.

(This is true, according toSnopes.com & Truth or False.com)

(Courtesy of my Granddaughter, Jessie, the prettiest one named Jessie)

Walmart's Not...

2008-05-20T05:39:00.001-07:00

I drove by a local church and saw these words. I thought it was rather cute but how true, huh? I found the generator and made the sign...

That Small Still Voice

2008-05-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I read a really good post today and left a comment on,

"My Identity as a Harlot."

Sometimes, you know re-reading something before I post a comment, I realize that it just might be that, "Small Still Voice," distinct and loud and clear. Quite often, I have to remind myself of the truth. It's not a convincing factor but simply when God speaks I need to listen.

"The only answer, the only hope is to stay in the Word. I try to feed my soul nightly. I learned this unconventional time to read in Prison, yes, in Prison. I was plagued with nightmares, convictions of my sin. I’d gone to my Prison Pastor and she advised me to read the Word before I went to sleep and it has worked every since. I am not above the same sin as yourself, it is my daily struggle with all you’ve mentioned and addiction. My problem, my realization is that Satan loves to continue to condemn me, even once I have asked for strength and forgiveness. He does his best to make me feel so grimy and unworthy of God’s love that it has and can pull me down. The cool part, is when we become aware of it, the scales fall from our eyes and allow us to see this condemnation. It allows us to see just how badly he’d love to destroy us. Yes, he’s tried to kill me, I see this now. After my 3 1/2 year Prison stint, I can smell evil when it walks in the door. Some would call me delusional for that statement, would they not? After sleeping with the enemy, walking, eating and living with the worst of the worst, those unrepentant and guilty of the most heinous crimes, I have stared true evil in the eye. I recognize it. That’s not to say that I do not have temptation nor am I above reproach. I wish I could say that. What I am saying is that the playing field is more apparent, more transparent and even more appalling. The key to all this is to realize that evil and it’s temptation do exist. It is not some Biblical myth of days gone by. It’s important to note that we must never decide what to believe or not to believe in the Word. Meaning we should never think that the Word in it’s entirety do not apply to today. The mistake we might make, in today’s Christian Society is to downplay it’s inhabitation. Our own demise is to not see it as it really is. Yes, some might call me fanatical in my view? But live my life, see what I have seen, walk in my shoes, eyes wide open and your perception is forever changed. I am in constant Spiritual warfare and it’s an ever present danger. I have been at the foot of the Cross and I was told, personally that He was dieing for my sins, not just everybody else but mine as well. The Oppressor would have me believe that my sin is too great and I am not forgiven. Quite often I have repeat sin, i.e. looking at porn or something less than tasteful. I have my convictions and I will ask for forgiveness and strength to carry on without shame and guilt. Those two words are so big they can kill me. I realize that it is the nature of the Beast to help me in that death, to promote those sins and fear and especially to rub them and other sins, from my past, in this huge smear campaign. I realized this as I walked around the Prison grounds in my prison uniform emblazoned with D.O.C.(Dept. of Corrections)on the back. All things changed when I began to realize the shame game. See, when you go to Prison, you either come out, one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. I became the latter, learned from the experience, gained perspective and was given the gift of “God’s Goggles.” I was able to see things as they truly are/were with special emphasis on just how real, how stupendous but masked the evil is in our every day lives. We don’t wish to see it. I turned that D.O.C. into “Daughter of Christ.” All I can do is try to live my life in remembering this, doing my best to be a better person and learning from my mistakes. I am a repeat offender, a constant sinner. I must continually go to the foot of the cross and remind myself that He did it for me too. From that vantage point, I ask myself two questions; Does He know my name and would I die for Him as He did for me?"

Latitude of Gratitude

2008-05-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

It looks like I started this blog in December 2005, shortly after moving to Long Island. I really thought it was started before this but that's what the archives say. I can look back and see such changes and turmoil. It's funny too to look back at those archives and see that quite often I would type in caps because I could see it better. I'd had the same glasses for 5 years and I do believe I was in serious need of new ones. I really stopped typing in caps when my Mom finally broke down and told me that when you typed in caps, it is considered "yelling." I did a lot of yelling back then...

But this blog was created for gratitude and "We" all need to be more grateful, huh? I am guilty of looking at my life, as this rough road or possibly even feeling sorry for myself. I'm real good at that, actually.

I do suppose, if we spent more time in gratitude rather than attitude, we'd get some where, huh? I tell myself this or rather, I remind myself to stop all the belly aching and look at just a few things, possibly in a different light. After all, life is perspective, is it not?

I could start with the fact that in 1998 I was told that I had Hep C. I was all ready to die as I'd seen the devastating effects of the disease. Yes, my own husband succumbed to the rigors of this ugly life taker.

In many respects, I started dieing then and there. I mean, we're all dieing but this is also a matter of perspective. Surely, if we lived our lives as if we were dieing very soon, things would be different. If we said the things that needed to be said because we thought we'd die tomorrow, life as we know it would change. But we go on, with our everyday lives, our little routines thinking tomorrow will be there. We are not promised tomorrow, now are we?

It was then, in 1998 that I started my campaign of death but not in a good way. You might say, I went off the deep end. Oddly enough, I was dieing from the effects of Hep C, it was just going to take a minute. I was sick but had to work and had no insurance at work. I made too much money to qualify for Medicaid and was stuck in a rut which may have allowed me to die.

Yes, gratitude. How does one become grateful for going to Prison? Because of this campaign of death, my behaviors led me down a rather dark road. I was walking on the edge, leaning out, ready to fall, falling and not trying to catch myself.

A culmination of behavior, speckled with a cry in the dark, saved my life. I couldn't see any of this, at the time but even though I'd let go of Jesus' hand, he was still there. Yes, when I cried out for his help, when I was at the end of my rope, a chain of events began to come into play.

As I stood on that bridge, in the middle of one of the worst snow storms, the area had seen, ready, willing and able to end my life and the rancid days I was living, Jesus was there, even then. Dope sick beyond dope sick, I was out in this storm. I had to steal $50 worth of meat, on one side of town, then walk to the other side to sell it for $25, enough for one bag of heroin. No one was out, even at the bars and I was lucky enough to have sold the meat to the bartender just as he was about to close the bar. The hill to my dealers house was so steep, I kept sliding backwards. I hurt so bad, flu like symptoms x 10 fold, my stomach was cramping and the diarrhea was liver bile and it burned. I had to hold it in as I made my way on this trek through a blizzard.

My junkie husband waited for me to arrive back with that one bag, we'd share, which meant that there was no relief for me, no not until I got home. How much further could I sink before the fires of hell would consume me? As I stood on that bridge, watching the ice jams and wondering if it was cold enough to take me under the minute I hit the water, I found myself, in auto-pilot and had thrown my one leg over the bridge, ready to go through with this and end all this pain. My mind was as numb as my body would soon be, once I hit the water.

As I grasped the bridge to pull myself up, out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights approaching. "Crap!" I pulled my one leg back over and righted myself, standing still, hoping whomever was in that car would not have seen me, maybe not even notice me. As the car approached, driving cautiously, the driver made eye contact with me. He smiled the warmest smile and winked.

As I watched him drive off and go around the corner, I fell to my knees and cried out, my "Silent Scream," heard in the heavens, from the depths of my soul. As I began my walk home and up the steep hill to my home, I prayed for help. A real prayer, real emotion, real conviction for real help.

He threw me in Jail and then on to Prison. He saved my life and He loved me and held my hand through it all. He comforted me as I went through the grueling Interferon and Ribiviron Treatment for six long months, injections in my stomach. Yes, my Lord gave me the Gift of Life. He heard my cries and He answered my prayers. That Gift was not wrapped up in a pretty box with a big red bow, no, it was better than that.

How do you become grateful for going to Prison? It's in the Latitude of my Gratitude...

D.O.C.

2008-04-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

My Lord, I often realize now that you don't give me the answers, you don't always give me what I pray for but most often I notice the calm assurance. Life is so scary but I know you are there to hold my hand. It is me who let go of your hand time and time again and I realize this.

At my darkest hour, I had let go but I believe you knew just how bad it was and you saved me from myself. For this I am eternally grateful. For my behavior, had I been successful, it may have been my deserved eternal damnation. You chose to save me. I praise Your Holy Name!

I realize, I don't deserve to be saved but by your grace, I am and I was. Again, I ask for forgiveness. It is a test of my faith to remind myself that when I asked for your forgiveness, you gave it to me. I know it is Satan trying to bring me down, make me feel bad, fill my heart with guilt. He tried to kill me with all this guilt and pain. He's trying to push me over the edge. It is the gift of wisdom, you have bestowed upon me that allows me to realize this. May I always know your favor.

When I die, I hope and I pray that you do tell them that you know my name. I know you'll probably say, "Oh Barbara, yes I know her. She was a brat and often bad but she has such a good heart. Allow her in." Then, I will sit at your feet and worship you Lord, for all of eternity. I will wash your feet with my joyous tears. Yes, I would rather be your footstool than to dine lavishly, afforded by Satan.I know all this now.

Oh my Heavenly Father, I want to be pleasing in your sight. I do not want to bring you so much shame. For so long, I tried to dine at your table and then the next night dine at Satan's. I realize you are an awesome God but you are a jealous God and you dealt with me harshly. As I sat in Prison for those 3 1/2 years, everything I took for granted, stripped away, I realized that you were teaching me, dealing with me. To be disciplined was not easy and to swallow it all and not be ugly was not easy. It was the most jagged and bitter pill but it was the medicine that healed me. Yes, you are the Great Physician. Now I realize it was and is exactly what I needed. It saved my life but more importantly, that soul that had blackened, my soul, dark and scarred is now healing and becoming pink and good again.

It made perfect sense to me when my Mother told me, "An undisciplined and untrained child is an orphan." I can not find this passage anywhere?

Yes my Lord, it is my goal to be pleasing in your sight. It is my goal, when my name is mentioned and even when I die, for people to say that I was a Disciple of Christ. No, I do not wish for them to remember me when I wore a Department of Corrections uniform, in Prison. In big bold letters, stamped on everything I wore, were the letters, "D.O.C.," but what they didn't realize was it stood for and will always stand for "Disciple of Christ." May they remember me as that woman who represented You. Amen

My Prayer

2008-04-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father, I've been lost,walking through an abyss. You did deliver me and I am so grateful. I need guidance and direction, my precious Lord. Please show me how to proceed.

Things are so different now. On one hand things are better, on the other, strained. I never meant to hurt my Sister with this move. I've been damned if I do and damned if I don't. There seems to be no happy medium.

If I hurt my Sister, I want to make amends. I've been told I should apologize to her. But other than doing what she pushed me to do, what she insinuated, I don't know what I am to apologize for. I want to be a better person Lord. Show me the way, show me what I am to apologize for. Yes, I can put my pride aside and apologize but I do so want to be genuine in that apology. Thus, take the scales from my eyes so I may see what I've done.

Family is important to me, more important than pride itself. I will apologize but I can't if I don't know what for. Show me the path you want me to take, oh Lord.

In addition, I feel a bit of pain, I am a bit hurt myself. I do realize that I had a hand in my Sisters pain and heartache. I put her through it. When I fell, I fell hard and I pray for forgiveness. But I did apologize then and it was heartfelt, it was genuine and painful. I feel they want blood and will not appease their appetite until they have it all. I do not want to be bitter, nor unforgiving myself. I am not ungrateful, as I was told I am. I was however, quite lost and I hurt so bad it was almost irreconcilable. It almost ended my life. I can not allow anyone or anything to take me there again. I can not allow the guilt to eat me as it was.

You know my heart, sweet Jesus. Show me the way, let me walk in the light. Hold my hand, my old friend, my Lord. I wish to be pleasing in your sight. I want you to know my name and I do not wish to bring you shame. Yes, I do so wish to be a good daughter, one you are not ashamed of. Please help me by imparting the truth on all sides.

Yes my sweet Lord, I no longer wish to be stubborn but to simply understand. Show me the way as I am more than confused.
I ask all this in Jesus' name. Amen

My Prayer

2008-02-15T07:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask for your forgiveness before I come in front of you. My head is hung low, I am in turmoil. I must remind myself that all things are for a reason. But I believe in Divine Intervention. I believe that Prayers can and do make a difference. I believe you hear my prayers and you answer many of them. I believe in the power of prayer to make things happen, to change things, to make a difference. If I can not have this faith, what, my Lord is the very point?

My Master, I humbly come before you. Yes, all things are for a reason, every minute of the day, every action, cause and reaction, cause and effect. It's all relevant, it all matters. Every person we meet,every thing we do or don't do, it all matters. Even the birth of a beautiful child plagued with sickness such as my Austen.

I want to run and hide, the pain is too great. Then I get angry and for this I am sorry, please forgive me Father. Did I learn? Yes, I am here asking you for your help. Is it enough? No, I never give to you what I need to give, my faith is never strong enough. But I do strive to be a better person. I do strive to have more faith, faith in practice, as involuntary as my breathing. I stand before you convicted and out loud, cry for your forgiveness. Please Father, weigh my sin, compile it and then wipe it away. I know that these things happen because of the sins of the father...and this mother. Forgive my part. Forgive my children for they were taught these things, forgive them for what they do not know, do not understand. Give me time on this earth to right my wrongs. Give me time to teach by example. I beg you my Lord.

Austen is a product of all this. He suffers for the sins of the father. But as I said, my gracious Lord, you have the power to override all things. You are the Great Physician. It occurs to me that you use Austen to teach his father and mother, to rely on you, to come to you, to not walk around aimlessly within their pain. It occurs to me that you want them as well, to stand in front of you, humbly asking for your forgiveness. Thy Will Be Done. Selah

Knowing all this, I ask for strength, faith and wisdom to endure this time of trial. I fight back the tears as I write this. It is the self-will run riot and it is hard to
Let Go & Let God, when it comes to my children. I did a poor job, the greatest sin and they pay for it. May I know your grace and mercy, your forgiveness abound. Please?

Through all this, I ask that this child, Austen who now has had a seizure on top of MRSA on top of Cystic Fibrosis, not remember the pain, poking, prodding that he must endure. I beg you my Lord. When he goes on Monday for this test for seizures, I ask you to heal him long before he steps into that long corridor within the confines of that hospital. Yes Lord, I am privy to your awesome power and I know if you choose to, that child will not have seizures every again. How much more can his tiny body take? How many more meds need to be compounded upon him? Not one more, my Lord? Please?

I have never met this Grandchild, yet I hear his gentle spirit. His soul soars even amongst his sickness. He smiles and coos, giggles and laughs and I just know, even as sick as he is, his soul is humble. I ask you to be merciful with this child. I ask for your healing arms to wrap around him. Let him not suffer as you deal with his parents and myself. I know there is consequence for every single sinful thing we do. let him not be a consequence. No Lord, please allow him to be a joyful reason to celebrate your love and timely healing. Let us see your work, through this child.

I thank you, in advance for your wonderful healing. I thank you in advance for what I know and believe you can do for Austen Cody Moore and I praise your Holy Name for all things. In Yeshua Ha'Mashiach Name, I ask for Austen to be covered in the Blood of protection. I ask all these things in Your name, my Lord. Amen & Amen

Spiritual Warriors

2008-02-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

Rene' and I are Spiritual Warriors.

God has spoken. It is Official. No turning back now!

Free Screen Saver

2008-02-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

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Just to make you smile Lori...

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Countin' Your Blessings

2008-02-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

It just occurred to me as I wrote this post, about my Granddaughter, Kassandra, that God has honored every prayer, every dark nite, pleading and begging Him for her safety and the ability to breathe another day.

Some of us take breathing for granted. Once again, a gentle reminder, at least for me, of the blessings, the many things I need to be grateful for. Click Here

Daughter to Mother Conversation

2008-01-24T05:47:00.000-08:00

I wrote my Mom an email. She'd inquired about Austen and his well being. As well, she asked how I was doing. I wrote;

I truly appreciate your inquiry and am so fond of the fact that you care, ask and pray for your Great Grandson. Austen is better than he was but coughs just terribly. Iowa City called Gwen, yesterday. They'd been in a conference call with CF and MRSA Specialists from several states. He apparently has an extremely rare form of Cystic Fibrosis and they're betting that Waylon has the adult form. I'd never realized it before but I agree.

They are trying to get Austen to one of three states, to one of these Specialists for consultation, study and aggressive treatment.They will put them up in a Hotel, pay for air fare and meals, etc.

One of the specialists is in NYC and Waylon told Gwen, she says, that Waylon is hoping it'll be the NYC Doctor so we can visit. He told her he needs to see me as it's been 3 years too long. He also stated he wanted so badly for me to meet and hold Austen. I want to play with his feet and hold him tight, imprinting my soul, faith and calm assurance on his soul. I want to hold him and pray to The Father that he sees this child. I want to shout it up on the roof, "Biddy on the Rooftop." Soon to be a musical, hahaha!

Somehow I believe that God is working in our lives. Well, I know it is answer to fervent prayer. I mean, isn't it kind of cool that you have specialists behind the scenes working on his behalf. I've prayed that he does not remember the poking, prodding and his tears of pain, screaming, as they took blood from his head. Poor lil guy, huh?

I also pray that people just fall in love with him, their hearts warmed for cause and effect, action and reaction and motivation to help this child and to treat him as one of their own. My heart is nearly broken and I need to hold him tight.

I am fairly well and still kicking, (Sounds like Grandpa, huh?) almost as fine as frog hair. My Surgeon has stated that he can not do my surgery. He's saying it is "more than a specialty affair." He stated, as well, that elbow replacements are rare but I am, as he says, "An excellent candidate and I rarely recommend that."

Dr. Kenneth Kamler is a renowned microsurgeon and yet he's not done or worked on an elbow such as mine, he said. He showed me(Lee went with me as well) the X-Ray and pointed out a spot where I've grown the "largest bone spur he's ever seen." He says that he would recommend that I find a surgeon that might remove that first. "It may help with your pain." He said that he could see why I was in so much pain and reiterated that I have no cartilage or synovial fluid, it's bone on bone.

In the Hospital/My Prayer

2008-01-12T14:07:00.001-08:00

My Grandson, Austen, is in the hospital again. His mother, Gwen, said he wouldn't stop screaming and she knew something was wrong. They admitted him, last nite. Today, they did a spinal tap. The poor baby cried so terribly, she said. At 3 months old, this child has gone through way too much. I pray that God heals his memory and he will not remember all this poking prodding, IV's and so on.

My God is an awesome God. I know that he is the Great Physician and has the power to heal this child. I pray that he will make Austen comfortable and allow him to breathe.

Can you imagine how it feels, the anxiety that goes along with not being able to catch your breath? I pray that my Lord, gives Austen calm assurance. My faith dictates that God is moving in his life and it is all for a reason. But I am praying for some hard core intervention.

May the Angels flutter around him. May they entertain him. I plead the blood of Jesus upon this child. I plead and beg you, Oh Heavenly Father, to intercede and take away this anguish. Take away this pain and sickness. Lord, if this child must have Cystic Fibrosis, can't he have the bare minimum of symptoms? You have this power my Lord.

May they look upon this child and know that it was you that healed him. May it all be to glorify your name. You are the one true God, it is futile to even think of anything greater than You. Yes, my Lord, I come to you now. I come to you asking for healing. I come to you and ask that you open doors, to get Austen in a safe place. I ask you to minister to his weary mother and show her what to do, to help him. I ask that you give the Doctors the wisdom to help Austen. I also ask that you keep all evil away from this child. He belongs to you and they test this.

You are wonderful and glorious and I sing your praises. When I called just now, the report was that Austen was improving. I thank you so very much Lord because I know, it is only because you've touched his little body.

You are my Master, I come to you and you only. You are the only answer. The resounding fact is that this child will perish without your help. Come to him now, Sweet Jesus and lay your hands upon his little body and heal him. I ask all this in Jesus name. Amen

Prayers Needed Please???

2008-01-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

My youngest son, Waylon calls him, "Little Man." This is a picture of my newest Grandchild, Austen and the little man is so very sick.

He's already been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, the second child, of Waylon's to have the disease. Kassandra, Waylon's first child, my first Grandchild, was diagnosed back in 1998, shortly after she was born. What are the odds of my son, meeting two different women, in entirely two different states, that both carry the gene, as he does, for CF? It has to be an act of God. It must be for His glory and I will accept no other answer.

I want to stomp my boots and shake my fist, at the heavens, in my frustration. I must remind myself that it is His will and there's got to be a reason. As I wrote to my Mother, with her inquiry, as to Austen's health and weight;

"Austen had lost weight, in the hospital but a few days ago, he weighed in at 15.2 lbs. and is 25in. long. He's doing crunches to sit up already and is very strong. The WIC office advised her to put him on baby food already, especially cereal mixed with his formula. He's on a lactose intolerant type formula.

I just spoke to Gwen, she's in the car, headed to Iowa City, to the Children's Hospital where they will admit Austen. She is fit to be tied. Wam's boss wouldn't let him off work to go with her, to the hospital. They're Muslim and I hope Allah slaps him down, lol!

She began to cry, she's so scared and doesn't want to do this by herself. She wants Wam to stand up to these Dr.'s. I let her know that she's not alone, that God is there with her. I told her to have faith and that I don't believe that God is doing anything that will not be to His glory. I have gone to God and we talked. He will use this to His glory, I know and I do not believe he will push me over the cliff. It would and I've told Him to please not test me there, I can not do it. As well, I've always prayed that He not test me, in that capacity with my children. Austen almost died on the 17th. Things have changed and Waylon is a different man. This child is closest to his heart, I can tell and he wants to do the right thing by him and Gwen. He's matured, even as of late, I can tell. I had prayed for this. Wam has had me in knots, before. I mean even as of recent and it, along with other stuff pushed me to the edge. My heart was breaking. I feel too much.

I told Gwen to look right at the Dr., when he walks in the room and as he's standing there, she is to pray, that God uses him/her as a vessel, a tool of healing and wisdom. I am claiming this child, he is a child of God and all things will be for His glory. I will not accept anything else, nor any other explanation or answer. I will stand my ground at the gates of hell and claim this child. Satan will not win this one. These very words are testament to this. Words are powerful, writing them is powerful. I write this and stand on them...Austen may have a diagnosis of CF but he will overcome it and the people will say "Wow", look at the power of God. I stand on these words.

There has been enough calamity in my life, enough for 10 people. Through out the years, long cold years,, I can/have been beat down, raped, stabbed, almost killed, gone through so much physical and emotional pain but I will fight for this child. I will pray unceasingly."

Last night, Gwen, Austen's Mother, called me late, I was sound asleep. She was so upset as she'd gone to get the prescribed meds, for Austen, from the drug store. They couldn't fill a particular med, one which deals with the heavy mucousy secretions. The drug, a major player in his recovery or even stabilization, is apparently not covered under Medicaid, in Iowa. What kind of crap is that? I want to know?

Gwen had called the Children's Hospital, in Iowa City, where she'd been earlier in the day. This was the hospital, which prescribed the med, in the first place. A Doctor got on the phone and she told him, she'd been there, earlier in the day. He said, "I know all about it and Austen, so what's your question?" he had a nasty tone, she said. She explained the situation and asked if he could help her? Again, with a condescending tone, he stated, he could not help her, she'd have to wait till the morning and that's that.

Gwen is 24 and this is her second child. As of late, she's been wrought with pain and fear, had hard times to go through, besides this situation with Austen. Another story all together, Gwen's had her share of trials and tribulations, as of late. She'd had enough, she was breaking down.

Through the midst of all this, I must remind myself that God does not give us a spirit of fear. I must constantly remind myself of this as I too, am feeling the strain of Austen's condition. I'm not there, a further frustration and feel as if my hands are tied. I am very claustrophobic and that tied up feeling, would love nothing better than to rip my heart out. "No fear Babz, no fear."

Gwen began to cry, breathless sobs, I could feel her fear, her pain. "I don't want him to die. He almost died on the [Dec.] 17th,"she said, so hurt and afraid. I told her, that I did not believe that God was going to let Little Man perish. I then went on, to explain, what I have tried to tell my sons, myself; "We are given an endless long distance calling card. Call Him up." I explained that just as any good father wants to hear from us, not just in our times of need but within our everyday joy and happiness, we must share all things with the Father. "If you had a child that only called you when they were in trouble or needed help, you might begin to become frustrated, now wouldn't you?," I asked. "I mean, you'd want your son/daughter to call when they were having a good day. You'd want them, when you sent them a little gift, to call you up and thank you, maybe even if the gift wasn't that big or bold, you'd hope they'd take the time, to be thankful and let you know, right?" She agreed, sobbing gently as I went on,"That's what it's like with the Father, He just wants to hear from you, every day, through the good and the bad. I let go of Jesus' hand before, I realize that now, I thought I could do it all myself and ran off on my own. Jesus didn't let go of my hand, I let go of His. Gwen, take hold of His hand and don't let go. Envision right now, your hand in His."
She agreed, her sobbing a reflection of her broken heart.

"He's going to be alright. You make that call in the morning. I know you're upset,you're out and out pissed off. But you call them up, make them aware that you can't get his meds. Don't take "NO" for an answer. Now, I want you to be assertive, even though you feel aggressive. You get more bees with honey, than vinegar, right? Now, we'll pray for your calm assurance"

I pray for my family and Austen. He's such a good child. Even amongst his struggle to breathe, even as sick as he is, he still coos and smiles. He has such a good disposition, they almost don't take him serious.

Austen has, CF, Respiratory Syncytial Virus(RSV) and right now, Bronchiolitis and Pneumonia in both lungs . He's a sick little boy.

Yes Lord, he can have all this, this diagnoses but I stand on the fact, that you are The Great Physician and you will attend to this child, yourself. I stand on the fact, with faith in hand, that You will have mercy, on this child. You are a merciful God and I believe this. I stand on the fact, that Austen is a child of yours, heavenly Father and you will not allow him to suffer. My faith dictates that there is no other answer. My faith dictates that you have all things in hand. My faith is large enough, deep within my being, that I know there is no other God. You are the King of all Kings, my Lord and Master. Who shall I go to, with this problem? It is only you Lord, whom can take this child's hand and heal him. It is only you Lord, there is no one else. I pray that you give these Doctors wisdom and warm their hearts to help Austen. Yes, Lord of all Lords, you have the power over all things. Allow this to glorify your Name and from this moment, this day, this minute, let it edify Your words, that I need only ask, seek and I shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. Sweet Jesus, I am knocking and I need only to touch the hem of your garment. I visualize holding your hand. I have faith that this very minute, you are beginning the process of healing. I believe you will clear this babies lungs and not allow it to scar him. I believe and will always believe that he is a child of God and you would never allow him to senselessly perish. I have the faith, the wisdom and belief that I need only to ask for your divine intervention. Allow the Spirit to envelope this child. Allow the Spirit to work on his behalf.

I beseech you, my precious Lord, to rain down, your blessing upon, Austen Cody Moore. May Your Name be associated with this little baby. When they meet this child, will they always feel lead to assist him, on his journey towards good health. You are an awesome God, a just and gracious God. Now, let it be written in stone, that if I can give my life, for this child, take me now. Explode my heart but spare this child, this wonderful child, they call Little Man. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen and Amen

Trials & Tribulations

2007-12-18T06:24:00.001-08:00

If you happen upon this, I ask for your prayers. My newest Grandson, Austen is in the hospital, fighting to simply breathe. He was recently diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and has Pneumonia in one lung. He's just a little guy and was foaming at the mouth, last night, struggling to breathe. They rushed him to the hospital.

Is it the sins of the father visited on his son? This is my son, Waylon's second child, to be diagnosed with CF. Two children by two different women, both with CF. Of course, I want to stomp my boots at heaven and ask why? At the same time, my faith dictates to me that the Father has the situation at hand, has his eye on these children. I have to believe that it is all for a reason. That doesn't mean it's not more than painful.

In my life, if I've learned nothing else, it's that all things happen for a reason. I pray that reason is revealed. I pray that we all have the strength to rise above this. I pray that Austen's Mother, Gwen, has the ability to relish everyday, with this child. I pray for her calm assurance, that the Father does have his hand upon the situation. I pray that this curse, of the sins of the father and mother are dissipated, banished from my children and theirs. I pray that we see the blessings in this. I also pray that we will recognize that we must place ourselves in the position to be blessed. With this said, I pray my son will do right by his son, all of his children and realize the entire situation. Please pray for Austen???

2007-11-28T15:31:00.001-08:00

I praise your Holy Name, my Lord, for delivering my son to safety. I am also so truly grateful, that he was able to get his old job back. It's almost like he was given a "Do Over", a fresh start, new lease on life. I know, that it was you, my Lord, that delivered him, all the way from Arizona to Iowa, safe, secure and in one piece. That was truly a miracle and my faith was surely tested. But now, he is back and safe and hopefully will appreciate all your blessings. Thank you!

2007-11-24T04:39:00.001-08:00

2007-11-15T17:47:00.001-08:00

Get me through this, my Lord. I'm wandering aimlessly, in the dark. I need your mercy and grace. I need your forgiveness. I need your help. I want to walk in the light again, my Lord. I did not ask for this lot in life and I did not ask for this pain. Help me deal, take away this sickness, please my Lord. I want to smile again. I want to laugh and find joy when I wake up. My days are so dark and filled with despair. I don't feel any end to all this. Please, I beg you, sweet Jesus, to shine down upon me. Please?

The days of my youth are spent, gone. Now, I feel like a hull, a shell, nothing and it is only you, whom I may turn to. You are my Lord and Master, I know only to come to you. Without you and your love Lord, it is nothing but desolation. Please come to my assistance. Pull me from this pit, it is so dark and dank. Heavenly Father, I do not deserve your attention but I call upon you, once again. Please honor my prayers to you. Please hear my words and render assistance.

I am beyond ashamed. I am beyond sinful and I ask for your forgiveness. Please show me the way, the path I am to walk. open the doors you want me to walk through. Shine upon me and show me the way. I am stumbling and scared. I beg you, my Father, do not turn away. I cry out to you for your favor. Please hear my cries.

Bless my children and keep them safe. Bless me and mine and my grandchildren. Save my family and do not let the adversary win. I beg you, my Lord. Bring back the joy, that has so long ago been stolen from me.

I praise your Holy Name and I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen

My Prayer

2007-11-09T15:29:00.001-08:00

I am certain I am under attack by Satan but he will not win. I am the daughter of God and he will not allow it.

Yes, I realize that Satan would love nothing better than to destroy me and if nothing else, make me believe my sin is so great that God looks upon me in loathe and disgust. He wants me to run from God, run far in all my shame. I know because I'd done it in the past. I ran so far, so fast till I was ready to kill myself. But before that could happen, I cried out, one last time for God to help me. It was a soulful cry, from the deepest region of my being and God knew I meant it.

That was 9 years ago and once again, Satan is trying to steal my thunder. He attacks me from every angle and does his damnedest to make me so ashamed. But I remind myself that Christ died for my sins, the ultimate sacrifice. And it wasn't just for everybody else but for me too.

The difference now, is that I can be grateful for this piece of wisdom. I can be grateful that the King of Kings, yes, my Lord, loves me and forgives me. I thank you sweet, sweet Jesus for your sacrifice. I ask for the joy back. I ask for your protection. I ask that you place your Angels around me and mine. I ask that you guide us, me, my children and their children and wives, the mother of their children. Allow this family to heal and know joy, the joy that can only be found, in your light. Amen

My Prayer

2007-11-04T08:37:00.001-08:00

My Lord, I see you working in my life and I know you are there. I ask that you not allow Satan to win here. Stand with me Lord, with me and my family against our adversary.

One door closes and another opens, I see this. Let me always recognize this. Stay with me and my children, bless them and let them know joy.

I had come so far, only to fall so hard. Pick me up my Lord and help me recover. I praise your holy Name and I ask you to forgive me for my fall. I am weak, sick, close to insanity. Take my hand and walk with me, please Lord.

Place your Angels around my babies and watch over their families. None of us can hide our sin, least of all me and I do not want to run. Let me know you have forgiven me so I may rise above this all, this mess.

I need you Lord, I call your Name. I am lost, I have wandered off and I search for my Master. Where are you my Lord? Turn on your light Lord, it is so very dark. I can feel it, it comes for me. Do not allow it to win, please.

You are my only God and it is you, which I seek. I am so lost, please help me, please come for me. Find me Lord and let me know your love, once again. I am ashamed and Satan wants me to stay that way. At least I can recognize this. For whatever reason, you have allowed me to go through all this? You have mapped out my life and I have known this pain, all my life. Why can I not have the joy others have? I ask for your blessings and I ask for wisdom. I can not do this alone, my Lord, I need you. Please come to me now, heavenly Father and save me from this despicable situation.

I am a black sheep but I am your black sheep. I will shout it from the rooftops, that you are my Lord, my only God, the King of all Kings. I beseech you Master, to pull me out of this hole. It is so dark and I feel so alone. I cry out your name, my Lord. Are you there? Please tell me that you've not given up on me. Please tell me you've not just handed me over to the enemy? I am your daughter and yes, I have strayed. Please send your Angels to me and mine. Let me be led by your Spirit and guide me to the light.

This is my darkest hour, please turn on your light, please turn on your light? Amen

Blind Faith

2007-10-26T13:25:00.001-07:00

I've seen too much darkness, my Lord. I ask to walk in your light. I am so grateful for even the smallest things. So many things could have gone wrong but you choose to show mercy and protect me. For this and so many things, I am grateful. Yes Lord, it is very dark, as of late and I do not like it. I do not like my thought train or the negative feelings that come with it. Heavenly Father, it is you that I come to. There is no other God and it is you, I ask to hold my hand and lead me. Allow me to have that blind faith. Allow me to trust that everything will be alright. Lord, I know that you have a hand in all things good. I ask that you pull me from this pit of despair. Only you can do this, my Lord.

I want to be pleasing in your sight. I want you to be happy with me and say I am a good daughter. But I have not been and although I know I have choices, in all things, I feel forced. Lord, reveal the answers and walk me down the path which is pleasing to you. Heal me Lord and if you choose not to heal me, let it be to glorify your name. All these things, I ask, in Jesus Name. Amen

~CHRONICLES OF THANKFULNESS~

Calm Assurance

Dear Jehovah

Black Sheep

My Prayer

My Prayer/I Am G-Ma

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

Jesus Is The Wind

My Prayer

Black Sheep

My Prayer

Re-Post; It's Not A Mistake Any More

The G-Ma Life #2

The G-Ma Life #1

My Prayer

Thanks & Praise

Jerusalem of Gold

Prayers Please???

My Prayer

Pennies From Heaven

My Prayer

Blind Faith

Notable Quotes

Remind Me

For The Love of Austen & Kassandra

Jesus First/Faith Not Fiction

God First

Questions & Prayer

My Prayer

The Atheist Theology Student Who Was Found by God

The Professor Teaches About Evil and Christianity

Related Pages

References

Mini Miracles

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

A Reminder From The Father

G-Ma's Girls

Good Gravy

Moral Hygiene

A Step-Mothers Story

My Prayer

You Are "The Answer"

The Only Answer

My Fervent Prayer

Guilt

Pondering The Passion

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

My Prayer

Pray For "C"

My Prayer; Doors of Understanding

Interview With God

I Wish You Enough

My Prayer

Am I A Fireman Yet?

Walmart's Not...

That Small Still Voice

Latitude of Gratitude

D.O.C.

My Prayer

My Prayer

Spiritual Warriors

Free Screen Saver

Countin' Your Blessings

Daughter to Mother Conversation

In the Hospital/My Prayer

Prayers Needed Please???

Trials & Tribulations

My Prayer

My Prayer

Blind Faith