Thursday, November 01, 2012

Let Me Learn

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...

My Dearest Jehovah,

Please hear my prayers. I'm at that very moment in time, to be exact where I feel a "Silent Scream," coming on. The pain is more than I can bear. I need Your calm assurance. You alone know my heart condition. You alone know that I am trying. And You and only You can fix this situation. Please Jehovah, hear my prayer, my pleading for Your guidance, Your assistance  Take my hand and lead me through this fire I must face tomorrow. I know that You, my heavenly Father, know the truth. Yes, I have been complacent where I should have been on top of the program. I ask for strength, resilience and above all Your hand upon the entire situation.

Lord God Jehovah, you know I desire to be a good daughter to You. I fear Your reproof, I fear the very punishment I deserve. But I beg Your forgiveness as once more I have sinned. Again, You know my heart condition, You know the truth. I beseech You for Your help come tomorrow. Give me the words, the truth to contain the situation. As well, warm their hearts to my dilemma, my misfortune. Give them the understanding of my situation. I am so fearful, sweet Jesus. Yes, walk me through the fires, the blocks that stand in my way. This is life or death. Hear me pray,  my Lord Jesus and take my prayers to the Father.

My Lord & Master, I want nothing more than to be pleasing in Your site. I want nothing more than for You to know my name. And I'll await, if deemed for Your call in the memorial tombs. I have hurt and been hurt. I lashed out at my family for all they did to hurt me. And it all came back on me. They could care less and ultimately I only hurt myself. Show me my errors so I may be truly repentant. At this very juncture, I have a real hard time trying to find the path of the righteous. But it is to my detriment, to my own demise to continue in this vein, this line of thinking. Show me, my Lord, the truth of the matter. Show me that my family is right in their cutting me from the family. I truly want to know how and why their behavior is Just and/or Christian behavior?

It is not healthy for me to be angry with them, my so called family. Only You, Jehovah, have the right to be angry. Yes, forgive me and my anger, please? This is so much bigger than me and the very worst case scenario. And I honestly believe only You can fix all of this. It's so sad to say that I could care less if they want me as part of their family or not. After having been beaten, spit upon and humiliated, all these years by a mother that told me numerous times that she couldn't stand the sight of me and hated my guts, I find myself clamoring, clawing for answers so I might understand how it becomes so easy to discard, literally tossed to the side, a child/daughter? I just can't fathom it. And no matter how many times I go through it in my head, it always seems to come back to one thing and one thing only; MONEY!

Yes, I am the blemish to Billie Kay, always have been, always will be. I didn't worship the almighty dollar even way back when. And every day it becomes more and more apparent that Batya Wootten lives only for the money, praise and worship of her so called followers and family.

Heavenly Father, I beg You to take away this pain and anger and replace it with understanding. Again, I beg for mercy.Wash away the sludge of my past sins.  You know the truth of the matter. Please stay with me my Lord and walk me through these pits of hell.

I praise Your holy Name and I give thanks. Hurry with the end of the system of things. May Your Kingdom come quickly!

Your Daughter,

Barbara

P.S. I also ask that You continue to bless my family and keep them safe. Amen & Amen

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