Thursday, April 21, 2011

Black Sheep

My Lord & Master,

Hear my prayers, deliver them to my Father. Forgive my many sins, transgressions, out & out pain filled undertakings.

I need You more today than yesterday. I appreciate You more today than yesterday. As I grow in
Your Word, I begin to realize just how utterly lost I have been. But...now I am found.

You sent Your Angels to my home, these so despised "Jehovah's Witnesses," and what a gift this is/was. I fully understand now just why they are so despised. It is because they speak the truth and nothing but the truth. Their doctrine, proven time and time again, to me is based solely on Your Word. Satan does not want us to hear the truth thus they are despised so readily. If you think about it, he really knows how to play the game...but with one less participant...me!

I know that Jehovah has erased my sins as I have pleaded with Him for forgiveness. My Lord, if nothing else has a thing for weight and measure and for Justice in that respect. Therefore I know that He has weighed my heart and soul and knows that this pain I still endure is true and real.

Non the less, though it appears that forgiveness is everlasting, it feels unattainable, at least for me. This is my every day battle, my spiritual warfare. And my continued battle is to remember that forgiveness is mine too, not just every one else's.

Regardless of what my very own family might have me believe, just as Satan would have it, I do realize that forgiveness is mine, if only with the Father. It makes me realize the pain and burdens I caused and visited upon my family. Yes, it is a constant reminder of the consequences of my actions.

But for the life of me, I can not fathom my own family cutting me from the root of their family tree. How do you throw your own child to the wayside so easily as they have done? They have done this to me over and over for more than 35 plus years.

They see themselves as righteous church goers, the very foundation of the MIA. They will speak to the masses, write all the books, teach all the people all about my Lord...all the while, their own house is not in order.

In my darkest hour, they were pious. When I'd needed them most, they shut the door. Within my pain, they kicked me when I was down. They rubbed salt in my wounds...once again.

No, I do not understand the "Disposable Child" theory that they so blatantly practice. As well, I do not understand their form of Christianity. And if their kind of Christian behavior is any thing I am to emulate, I want nothing to do with it.

Since I was 12 years old, I have been thrown out with the garbage by my own family. I was in the way of their perfect appearances and stubborn. I wear my faults, always have. I admit my mistakes, my sins and I wept openly over them.

It is all to no avail because their is no understanding and certainly no love and forgiveness for the likes of me. Why is this, I ask myself. Well, for one, I call a spade a spade. Secondly, they can not look at me and not see the damage they have done, the pain they have caused not to mention the abuse they so willingly inflicted.

Yes, after you've thrown your budding daughter out of your home after you've ripped all of her clothes from her body and bloodied her legs simply because she still loves her own father, I imagine it's hard to stomach when you decide to become righteous.

It's no wonder I am the messed up individual that I am.

I am the Black Sheep. It is slimming.

Heavenly Father, help me to forgive them as I'd want them to forgive me. Amen