Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Prayer/I Am G-Ma

Heavenly Father,

You are an awesome God and I am so very grateful. What you have done for me, my Lord is surely a miracle. I recognize this. I also realize that I am not deserving of Your mercy yet time and time again, You are beyond merciful.

I do truly believe that You know my heart and treat me accordingly. I do not expect this mercy but I am surly feeling blessed.
I also know that You know that I am trying. I am a wreck, a shameful mess yet You know that I am trying

In this chapter of my life, I seem to question life, in general, on the daily. And I feel a morbidity that is not well suited. I ask You my precious Lord, to give me calm assurance. Allow me to finish my work but even more so, give me that direction.

Yes Lord, I am quite lost in this pool of humanity. I am so small in this large scale world. And yet those around me count on me so heavily. If nothing else, baby Jax needs me the most.

What a true blessing Jaxon is, sweet Lord. I mean I can be in the pits of despair and he has the ability to pull me back to reality. His gentle smile, his joyful eyes, they tug at my soul. They wash me over in a warmth like no other.

I now know that all things happen for a reason. I know that I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And I pray for assistance, for wisdom and strength. Help me in my perseverance towards molding, shaping, sculpting this young man, my baby Jax.

Lord, I never want to be a hindrance and I must be mindful to lead by example. I have been entrusted with these little minds. Again, I wish to be helpful, to never hinder.

Sweet Sweet Jesus, I beg You for the time to get all that needs to be done, accomplished. I so badly want help finding the resources in my mind to get this book done. I pray You will warm Clyde's heart to do this as well as having patience with me. I must do this so that I may leave at least something behind for my children and grandbabies.

I ask, as well, for protection over Jax, given the situation. His mother somehow does not seem to comprehend things or she dazes out...and he gets hurt. Give me patience, the patience I do not have here.

I beg You, my Lord, my God, for protection for all of my children and grandchildren. I can not fathom what Kassandra and Austen go through living with CF. Give them their health Lord. My merciful Master, take mercy on them, please???

I ask with fervor and diligence for Your blessings, continued blessings for my family. Yes, I am able to count my blessings and must remind myself of just how good You are to us all.

I ask for healing in this broken family. Lord, give me the wisdom and understanding as to how to fix this in it's entirely. My Master, I am sorry for the things I have done in the past, extremely sorry. I was sorry then and I am sorry now. Somehow that is not good enough?

In this aspect, in this vein of thought concerning, especially my Mother, etc., please show me what to do, how to handle this. Is there no reprieve? Is forgiveness only for those of her choosing?

I do not understand this kind, this sort of Christianity. And if I am still wrong, please heavenly Father, show me. Speak to me my Lord and tell me what to do. This weighs heavily upon me.

My emotions run the gambit where my parents, my estranged family is concerned. I respected them all...and they did me so dirty. Yes, I was so very wrong in my behavior and I readily admit that. What sickens me the most is that I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker.

I believed all their lies and selfish alibis. I truly believed that by helping my sister I would be healing my family. I believed that they would help me too. But it's such a lie and it's evident that the only person that was to benefit from all this was my sister. By having me there she was then able to cavort, whore and basically shed herself of any real responsibility.

While I wallowed in my own waste in the basement of her home, she furthered her career and love life. I became nothing more than her maid, nanny and occasional counselor. Yes, nite after nite I listened faithfully. And when she was fired for all her dirt, after getting caught red handed, she was never judged as I was. No in fact they did nothing but support her.

See, I never told all their dirt. I never told my parents about her miscarriage. I never told them about the filth my brother was doing and yet, they passed judgment upon me and they all sidled up, one big happy family, lest one...one more time.

I will try to be respectful because that is Your law, my Lord. But I do pray You will show me the err of my ways. I pray that You will take away all this resentment and anger and replace it with understanding and if nothing else; empathy.

Teach me, my Lord, how to rise above this. Show me what to do to climb out of this mess. It is true that I want their forgiveness but I ask Lord, for Your help as well as patience that I might forgive them as well. There, it is said; I do need help in forgiving them too.

Again my sweet Lord, I ask and I pray that You will show me the answer. I ask that You will reveal to me what it is that I need to do to find this elusive forgiveness. Is it only for the rich and beautiful? Is it only for those that cow tow or aspire to be their followers? Is it only for those who pat their ego's and tell them how wonderful they are and how they've changed their lives?
Forgive my sarcasm Master.

Lord, I give You thanks and praise. And I ask for Your continued blessings. Please my only God, get me through all of this. Forgive my sins and allow me to live another day. I song Your praises! Amen!!