My Lord & Master,
Hear my prayers to You sweet Jesus. I have so very much to be grateful for. It is endless. So much could have gone wrong...but it didn't. I could have died ...but I did not. Show me the reason for it all.
My Lord, I need guidance as well as strength to get done all that needs to be done. I need wisdom and endurance to run this race. I want to be a winner, not for myself but for those I will leave behind. Guide and direct my actions. Let my life be in Honor of You and nothing less.
Sweet Jesus, there never seems to be enough time in the day to get it all done. I ask for Your direct hand upon me and mine. I ask for Your divine wisdom, assurance and for Your Spirit to guide my way and actions.
I am quite lost, my Lord. Light my way and allow me to walk in that light with You. I know that darkness all too well and can not fathom being there again. My merciful Master, stay by me, hold my hand and help my every move. Let it only glorify You.
Once again You were good to me when I did not deserve it. I am so beyond grateful. Give me the strength to do the right thing. Show me the way to righteousness. Show me the way to being a true, honest and faithful daughter as well as Matriarch of this entire family.
Heal my family, please? If I am wrong, show me. If I am right, I wish that you'll place it upon their hearts. I do not understand their line of thinking. Did they not hear me cry? Did they not hear me beg for forgiveness? Is it right to just throw me and mine away like trash? Yes Lord, heal this family. Place it upon their hearts, if I am to understand this all correctly that it is certainly not Christian example to do what they have done.
I often wonder if they believe they are the only ones that know You, my Lord? I often ponder what it is that makes them feel that it is just fine to call yourself a Christian and yet you can not forgive your own daughter?
They preach the Word and have all those followers that listen intently to their every word and yet their own house is in disarray. Is it possible to be so cold and calculating that once again, me being the Black Sheep, I am to be cut out, sacrificed again for the sake of appearing righteous?
I suppose I should be used to being kicked to the curb. I suppose I am a veteran at being treated like trash. But what bothers me the most is how these leaders in the Church can preach, teach and touch so many others lives and yet live a lie? They've lived this lie for a long long time. I suppose there's no point in any of my pondering. It is what it is.
Allow me Lord to understand. Allow me Lord, to swallow this bitter and jagged pill as well as learn from it. Allow me, my sweet Lord to once again rise above it. Let me forgive myself and walk outside all the shame.
Your Word would be a lie if I were to believe their actions. I asked You for forgiveness. I meant it when I prayed for Your forgiveness. I meant it when I asked them to forgive me for my behavior. Now, I'll ask You, my Master to help me forgive them for what they've done to me all my life. I'll ask You to give me courage and strength not to fall on my face again. I ask You to allow me to walk in Your Light and no where else.
I praise Your Holy Name, my sweet Jesus! Amen