Wednesday, June 09, 2010

My Prayer

I've made so many errors in my life, especially in raising my children. At night, I find myself praying for the forgiveness of my sins as well as my son's. This is because of the things I taught them and I pray that I can turn things around. Yes Lord, give me enough time on this earth that I might right some of my wrong.

Today my youngest child goes in front of a Judge to modify a court restraining order so he might see his son, Austen. I pray that the truth will prevail in all situations.

Heavenly Father, you are The Great Counselor and it is You that I seek shelter, truth and justice for my child. I firmly believe that You will give my child the words, wisdom and knowledge to stand firmly against these allegations.

My sweet Jesus, Waylon is in court at this very moment. His child's mother has become extremely viscious, cruel and vengeful. "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." We will stand erect, faith deeply rooted in these words. And the truth shall set you free.

I ask in Jesus' Name that my children as well as my grandchildren will know Your bountiful blessings. I ask in Your Name that You will place Your Angels, set upon each and every one. I plead the Blood of Your son, my Lord Jesus Christ upon my entire family and ask for a complete healing.

Give me the understanding and wisdom as to how to proceed to begin this healing within my family, namely my Mother, Father, Brother and. I can not assume that I am promised tomorrow thus I need to not put it all off. Show me the err of my ways, my Lord. Allow me to forgive them all as I want them to forgive me. Allow them a glimpse of my pain. Allow them to see how they hurt me. Allow me to heal from this mess I helped create.

My God, it is beyond my understanding how they can call themselves "Christians" and yet carry so much animosity. It is beyond my understanding how they can not forgive me when I sincerely asked for their forgiveness. I meant it when I said I was truly sorry. I suffered so greatly that I wanted to take my own life. For my part in this all I ask for Your forgiveness. I also ask for You to reveal to them their part in all this. I do not believe they comprehend how they used me up and spit me out. I was, once again just another callous they cut off from their lives. Heal me from this, please my great and wonderful God. Reveal to me how I should proceed in all this.

I praise Your Holy Name. I give thanks and praise. You are a gracious God and I am blessed. Amen

Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Prayer/I Am G-Ma

Heavenly Father,

You are an awesome God and I am so very grateful. What you have done for me, my Lord is surely a miracle. I recognize this. I also realize that I am not deserving of Your mercy yet time and time again, You are beyond merciful.

I do truly believe that You know my heart and treat me accordingly. I do not expect this mercy but I am surly feeling blessed.
I also know that You know that I am trying. I am a wreck, a shameful mess yet You know that I am trying

In this chapter of my life, I seem to question life, in general, on the daily. And I feel a morbidity that is not well suited. I ask You my precious Lord, to give me calm assurance. Allow me to finish my work but even more so, give me that direction.

Yes Lord, I am quite lost in this pool of humanity. I am so small in this large scale world. And yet those around me count on me so heavily. If nothing else, baby Jax needs me the most.

What a true blessing Jaxon is, sweet Lord. I mean I can be in the pits of despair and he has the ability to pull me back to reality. His gentle smile, his joyful eyes, they tug at my soul. They wash me over in a warmth like no other.

I now know that all things happen for a reason. I know that I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And I pray for assistance, for wisdom and strength. Help me in my perseverance towards molding, shaping, sculpting this young man, my baby Jax.

Lord, I never want to be a hindrance and I must be mindful to lead by example. I have been entrusted with these little minds. Again, I wish to be helpful, to never hinder.

Sweet Sweet Jesus, I beg You for the time to get all that needs to be done, accomplished. I so badly want help finding the resources in my mind to get this book done. I pray You will warm Clyde's heart to do this as well as having patience with me. I must do this so that I may leave at least something behind for my children and grandbabies.

I ask, as well, for protection over Jax, given the situation. His mother somehow does not seem to comprehend things or she dazes out...and he gets hurt. Give me patience, the patience I do not have here.

I beg You, my Lord, my God, for protection for all of my children and grandchildren. I can not fathom what Kassandra and Austen go through living with CF. Give them their health Lord. My merciful Master, take mercy on them, please???

I ask with fervor and diligence for Your blessings, continued blessings for my family. Yes, I am able to count my blessings and must remind myself of just how good You are to us all.

I ask for healing in this broken family. Lord, give me the wisdom and understanding as to how to fix this in it's entirely. My Master, I am sorry for the things I have done in the past, extremely sorry. I was sorry then and I am sorry now. Somehow that is not good enough?

In this aspect, in this vein of thought concerning, especially my Mother, etc., please show me what to do, how to handle this. Is there no reprieve? Is forgiveness only for those of her choosing?

I do not understand this kind, this sort of Christianity. And if I am still wrong, please heavenly Father, show me. Speak to me my Lord and tell me what to do. This weighs heavily upon me.

My emotions run the gambit where my parents, my estranged family is concerned. I respected them all...and they did me so dirty. Yes, I was so very wrong in my behavior and I readily admit that. What sickens me the most is that I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker.

I believed all their lies and selfish alibis. I truly believed that by helping my sister I would be healing my family. I believed that they would help me too. But it's such a lie and it's evident that the only person that was to benefit from all this was my sister. By having me there she was then able to cavort, whore and basically shed herself of any real responsibility.

While I wallowed in my own waste in the basement of her home, she furthered her career and love life. I became nothing more than her maid, nanny and occasional counselor. Yes, nite after nite I listened faithfully. And when she was fired for all her dirt, after getting caught red handed, she was never judged as I was. No in fact they did nothing but support her.

See, I never told all their dirt. I never told my parents about her miscarriage. I never told them about the filth my brother was doing and yet, they passed judgment upon me and they all sidled up, one big happy family, lest more time.

I will try to be respectful because that is Your law, my Lord. But I do pray You will show me the err of my ways. I pray that You will take away all this resentment and anger and replace it with understanding and if nothing else; empathy.

Teach me, my Lord, how to rise above this. Show me what to do to climb out of this mess. It is true that I want their forgiveness but I ask Lord, for Your help as well as patience that I might forgive them as well. There, it is said; I do need help in forgiving them too.

Again my sweet Lord, I ask and I pray that You will show me the answer. I ask that You will reveal to me what it is that I need to do to find this elusive forgiveness. Is it only for the rich and beautiful? Is it only for those that cow tow or aspire to be their followers? Is it only for those who pat their ego's and tell them how wonderful they are and how they've changed their lives?
Forgive my sarcasm Master.

Lord, I give You thanks and praise. And I ask for Your continued blessings. Please my only God, get me through all of this. Forgive my sins and allow me to live another day. I song Your praises! Amen!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, You know the truth. You know what is right and I ask for intercession on my behalf. I will take the consequences, come what may but please stay with me.

Lord, I do not know why I am being challenged but I do not like it. I come to you for refuge, I come to You for calm assurance.

My sweet Jesus, You must know what can happen if they win, if they prevail. DO NOT allow it. Let the Light win over the darkness.

I praise Your Holiest of Names. You are my Lord & Master and I shall not want. Stay with me Lord. Never allow me to fall as I did before. Never allow me to descend into that darkness ever, please!

Come to my defense God of all gods. I praise You and I give You thanks. Amen & Amen

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My Prayer

My Lord and Master please hear my prayer. I have come before You asking that You might be my strength, my rock, my salvation. Without You I have nothing. The older I get the more I realize this.

Sweet Jesus, I come to You in such need. I am so afraid, please calm my fear and take this pain away from me.

Lord, You know the truth and I ask that You deal fairly. Yes, I have a problem and I need help. Give me the strength and wisdom to get through all of this. It is huge and the implications are so real.

When it's all said and done, You are my only hope. Please come to my rescue and pull me through all this.

I praise You for all that You have done for me as well as my family. We want for nothing. We are basically all healthy short of Austin and Kassie which I ask for to continue to enable them to breathe.

Bless my children as well as their children, wives, mothers and place Your Angels around them all.

I plead the Blood of my Lord Jesus Christ upon each and every one of my family members.

It is You, the one true God that I come to. You are my only answer, my only hope. Please come to me Lord and get me through all of these trials.

I praise You and give You thanks. You are a just and fair God and I thank You. Amen

Saturday, March 06, 2010

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, my Master, please O'Lord hear my prayer. I am very aware, very aware. All I have is my Faith in You. You are my Rock and my Salvation. There is no other God but You. You are a merciful Master, this I know.

So many times I feel I do not deserve all the many blessings that you rain down upon me. I must remind myself of all that is good. Why is that? Do we take it all for granted until it is gone?

I do not want to ever take things for granted. I must remind myself of all this good. Yes, it is always easy to facilitate and measure the sadness or concentrate on the madness in this life. It is even easier to hone in on the sickness and grief. But my Lord, I truly want to walk in Your light and I want to shine because of it. I would want them to know that I am Your daughter by that light.

Sweet Sweet Jesus, please my Lord, I beg for their lives. I beg You to spare them any sickness or grief. I ask for Your pardon and forgiveness especially for what they do not know as well as what they were taught.

My Shepard, I ask that you'll lead us down the path, a path You have designed for us. I ask that You guide us and give me the strength to do what I need to do.

Again, I beg for their lives. Please hear my prayers my one and only God. It is all I have and all I believe in. I praise Your Holiest of Names. Amen

Sunday, January 31, 2010

My Prayer

My Lord & Master,

Hear my prayers to You sweet Jesus. I have so very much to be grateful for. It is endless. So much could have gone wrong...but it didn't. I could have died ...but I did not. Show me the reason for it all.

My Lord, I need guidance as well as strength to get done all that needs to be done. I need wisdom and endurance to run this race. I want to be a winner, not for myself but for those I will leave behind. Guide and direct my actions. Let my life be in Honor of You and nothing less.

Sweet Jesus, there never seems to be enough time in the day to get it all done. I ask for Your direct hand upon me and mine. I ask for Your divine wisdom, assurance and for Your Spirit to guide my way and actions.

I am quite lost, my Lord. Light my way and allow me to walk in that light with You. I know that darkness all too well and can not fathom being there again. My merciful Master, stay by me, hold my hand and help my every move. Let it only glorify You.

Once again You were good to me when I did not deserve it. I am so beyond grateful. Give me the strength to do the right thing. Show me the way to righteousness. Show me the way to being a true, honest and faithful daughter as well as Matriarch of this entire family.

Heal my family, please? If I am wrong, show me. If I am right, I wish that you'll place it upon their hearts. I do not understand their line of thinking. Did they not hear me cry? Did they not hear me beg for forgiveness? Is it right to just throw me and mine away like trash? Yes Lord, heal this family. Place it upon their hearts, if I am to understand this all correctly that it is certainly not Christian example to do what they have done.

I often wonder if they believe they are the only ones that know You, my Lord? I often ponder what it is that makes them feel that it is just fine to call yourself a Christian and yet you can not forgive your own daughter?

They preach the Word and have all those followers that listen intently to their every word and yet their own house is in disarray. Is it possible to be so cold and calculating that once again, me being the Black Sheep, I am to be cut out, sacrificed again for the sake of appearing righteous?

I suppose I should be used to being kicked to the curb. I suppose I am a veteran at being treated like trash. But what bothers me the most is how these leaders in the Church can preach, teach and touch so many others lives and yet live a lie? They've lived this lie for a long long time. I suppose there's no point in any of my pondering. It is what it is.

Allow me Lord to understand. Allow me Lord, to swallow this bitter and jagged pill as well as learn from it. Allow me, my sweet Lord to once again rise above it. Let me forgive myself and walk outside all the shame.

Your Word would be a lie if I were to believe their actions. I asked You for forgiveness. I meant it when I prayed for Your forgiveness. I meant it when I asked them to forgive me for my behavior. Now, I'll ask You, my Master to help me forgive them for what they've done to me all my life. I'll ask You to give me courage and strength not to fall on my face again. I ask You to allow me to walk in Your Light and no where else.

I praise Your Holy Name, my sweet Jesus! Amen