Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Prayer

My Lord & Master,

Please forgive my sins and hear my prayers? I must trust in you, my Heavenly Host. I know this much but I have mixed feelings when it comes to my faith.

Sometimes even when I want to believe in something, namely that all will be well because you have the reigns, I will have the now famous "trepidation, fear and anxiety" because I do not know if it will be another lesson I must learn, another hardship I must endure or maybe even I must "pay" for something I've done in the past.

So I pray for wisdom to decipher this journey. I pray for strength so I might lead my family. Thus far, I've done a pretty lousy job. Will you forgive me, my Lord?

Show me the way sweet sweet Jesus? I believe it is you that gets me through the night. I believe it is you that keeps them at bay? And I pray for your continued support.

I notice that my children are basically healthy compared to others and their pain. For this I am eternally grateful. I ask to not be tested there, a category I can not bear.

Heavenly Father, I am repentant and yet my sins are still thrown in my face. Where my family is concerned, I ask for you to show me the way to go, the road to walk down in order to heal. I do not want this anger that wells inside of me. I do not like to entertain these thoughts and I pray that you'll show me what and how to do it.

Sweet Lord, I'll continually pray for You to place Your Angels amongst all my babies, to keep them safe and secure. I pray this in earnest and fervor. Sometimes it is even hard to get the words out to even pray. But You know my heart, I do believe. And my heart speaks the volumes that I sometimes can not. Hear my heart, heal my heart, oh Lord.

I thank You for all the many blessings. I have not gone without a meal nor have I run in the street naked. I have had shelter and a warm bed for some time. These things we often take for granted. But in the still of the night, when the call of the wild comes in, it is You that I seek refuge in. I ask You for Your continued favor. I ask You, sweet Jesus to hear my prayers and to heal my family.

In Jesus Name, I ask all of this. Amen

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Black Sheep

This blog was designed so that I might put in B&W, all that I am grateful for in this life. It went on to be the main page where I pray too.

You'd think it a private matter, prayers but one thing I do know for sure is that I have no skeletons in my closet, yes it is all here for the world to see. Now that's not why I do it by any means. But it's certain that I can see , just as you might in a journal, all that is my life.

These pages are filled with good thoughts, worship and praise for our dear Lord. It is also a testament to my pain. And if you were to read some of the entries here, you just might be appalled as well as disturbed. Such is my life.

It is personal growth that these pages reveal. Along with the little bursts of gratitude, there's a lot of pain, mixed emotion and prayers for forgiveness amongst the pages.

What is brutally transparent to me, if nothing else, if I were to go back and read some of my past posts, is that I am in a constant state of Spiritual battle. For me though, this has been all my life, even since I was a toddler. Why does Satan want me so badly?

Right here and right now, I pray;

That my Lord of Lord's will choose to have mercy upon me. I ask for forgiveness for all that I have done to hurt my family, especially my own children. Quite often, I have not played the cards I was dealt with a sturdy hand. Wisdom eluded me. More often than not, I have been weak and searched most diligently for any and all means of escape. But early on, it is something I learned, mainly the Drugs that help shut up the mess in my head as well as the pain that wracks my body every single minute of the day.

All my life I've struggled to just live and early on I was kicked in the teeth. My own family, specifically my own Mother threw me out at the age of 14 because I did not fit into the square peg she kept trying to push me in to. I was sacrificed for her own gold digging plan.

Sadly I admit, here I am, 50 years old and I can not move on from all that was done to me. So my Lord, I ask for strength and guidance and for you to deliver from all of this. Allow me to rise above and right my wrongs. Give me time to make things happen.

Let not my legacy be that of a ex-con, ex-heroin abuser, addict, thief, yada yada yada but of a woman that cared so much it was painful. It hurts my Lord, especially because my hands are tied. I ask for your deliverance. I ask for your healing hand to be laid upon my heart, mind, soul.

There is such great need to heal my family too. My own children still suffer because of me and it's so hard to live with. Please help them and forgive the sins of the father as well as the mother. Their father has been gone a long time, since they were all little. Because of my weaknesses, because of my poor choices, my sons were all exposed and taught so many wrong things. I ask for your help in righting these wrongs. I ask for Your patience, my Lord. Heal this family?

And so it is that I am the Black Sheep again. They call themselves Christians and yet even though I sought their forgiveness, even though I was truly repentant, it does not matter to them. They have kicked me while I was down, again and again, actually, all my life. The example they have shown me is that if I am not at their beck and call and not doing what they want to help them, they want nothing to do with me or my children.

My Heavenly Father, how do I decipher what is right and what is wrong when they carry your Name, your banner and they represent you? How do I know, what shall I do?

The sad part of all this is that I do not believe they can see their own err. I do not believe they are capable of empathy or understanding. And yet they discard me so easily. How do I keep from becoming angry and striking out as I so badly want to do?
I ask for Your divine wisdom and instruction, my Lord. I ask that you show me what to do. I am so beyond stuck on this.

I do so want to thank you my sweet Jesus for your hasty healing of my grandson, Austin. He is feeling so much better. As well, I am so truly grateful for all of my grandbabies. This new baby, Jaxon, my lil Bumby is such a true joy. He is beginning to coo, smile and even giggle. I've never seen such a truly wonderful baby, not ever. He might fuss and instinctively, I'll check his diaper. As soon as I take that diaper off of him, he is just so evidently grateful as he smiles. Now, that's the kind of attitude of gratitude I aspire to. He is such a charmer, oh my and I am utterly grateful for him as well as the opportunity to be with him. I thank you my Lord!

Sweet Jesus, hear my prayers and my request for your continued blessings for my family. Place Your Angels around them as I know you have for so very long. I bet you've got a really fast Angel just to keep up with Waylon, huh? I praise You & give You Thanks. You are truly an awesome God. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen & Amen