If you happen to come across this blog, this post in particular, I ask for your prayers. I ask that you pray for me to find my way in this dark and vast wilderness that is my mind.
I don't know what it is but I am having an extremely hard time in prayer. As of late, when I read the Word, I hear cuss words in my head. I know who it is and I pray for deliverance from it. Much to my dismay, my prayers have yet to be answered, concerning this situation. It causes me, of course, to question myself, to question my very faith. Is it a weakness on my part because I can't or won't stop this absurd behavior?
What I am referring to is, for example, if I see the word, Jesus or anything of a religious aspect, my mind immediately throws out cuss words, in my head of course. Then, I spend the next few minutes in apology to my Lord and asking for forgiveness of this insidious behavior. Satan is certainly playing an extremely foul game with me. Because of this, I find myself feeling shameful, disgraced and fall further and further into despair...exactly what he wants.
Right here, right now, I pray to our Lord Jesus Christ that He might deliver me from the clutches of evil. I ask that He might take this affliction away and guide me to smoother thinking. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and forgives me and by putting this into words, I will draw strength from these words.
I recently wrote to a friend inquiring about my health. This sums up what is happening;
"I'm having a real problem w/my Doctors and my meds. I have this Dr. that has me on a very strong medication(MS Contin), one which he says he's not comfortable giving out but he has written 4 scripts for it. The meds do nothing for me except keep me from going through withdrawal. I sincerely hate this med and don't want to take it but I don't want to go through the sickness if I don't take it. He then said he wanted to transfer my case to a pain specialist. I waited for the referral, called and waited some more. He then wrote my script again. His nurse tells me she will call me with the referral and I wait again. I ask the nurse again, "Do I wait, will I get a call from you w/this referral?" She says I need to wait and I don't get the call, as promised and my meds will run out so I call again and his receptionist tells me, "Well, didn't the Doctor tell you that he didn't want to give you this medication and you'd have to go to a pain specialist?" Meaning they don't want to refill my script. First off, they make you feel like a junkie but I can not go to just any Doctor I want, I have to have a referral. Catch 22 and my meds will run out next weekend. The thought of going through withdrawal once again terrifies me..This game is more than crazy. Last month, when I was moving, I took extra of my pills to combat the pain. I only get two pills a day and honest to God, they don't do diddly for me, never have other than I now am able to sleep more than I had before. They do not help with the pain, they just make me tired. But like a dummy, just trying to get relief from days of moving, using my arm like I shouldn't but had to, I took 10 extra pills which is actually 5 days of meds. See, a friend of my son, Lee, said he'd give me a bunch of pills he had leftover from surgery so I took extra of my pills. All of a sudden the guy tells me he can't give me the pills so I'm up the creek without a paddle.
Now, I did it to myself and I can't do anything about it. I went through withdrawal for a week and during that time had a heart attack. Well, I believe it was an attack as my heart felt seized up and I passed out. I came to about 15 minutes later and felt like someone kicked me in the chest. I really hate this and I seem to be in some purgatory/hell on earth.
So, there's the truth of the matter and it really sucks. I don't know what to do to get out of the situation either, ya know? I appreciate your concern even though I almost feel I don't deserve it. This situation is like, well, I feel all this guilt, feel like a junkie, mainly because that's how they make you feel. Yet, I tried to live w/this pain and couldn't. I have no cartilage left in my elbow, it's bone on bone. I had two ribs removed and four nerves moved. Something is going on and I'm in constant pain. As well, I have such nausea because of the pain and the pills themselves and often throw up the pills and have had to take more to compensate for the ones I just threw up.I vomit all the time, usually from pain itself and have then had to take extra of my pills. I paint myself into a corner constantly. The guilt and shame associated with all this is enormous. The doctors create monsters with these meds and then want to play God and take it all away or they make you beg and plead. I have such psychological damage from just that alone, it's absolutely insane. It's an insidious situation.
I too have degenerative arthritis in my neck and back and my nerves are screwing up causing me pain everywhere. Not a day goes by that I don't have to literally push myself, kick my own butt to just function. Every thing I do, or you do for that matter requires that you use both hands, both arms. Well, my left arm is a constant grinding and if I have to lift anything, the bone just simply separate. You can not even fathom how much it hurts yet I must use it. Then because of over using my right arm to compensate for the left, the nerves are all messed up. So, I did what they told me to do and had two nerves moved. All it did was move the pain. It's crazy cause now I know that most of the pain is coming from my neck.
'Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to the point of insanity!'
You try to explain and there's just so much wrong, they just can't seem to grasp it all or they just don't give a crap. It's a truly sad commentary on the medical field, here in the States."
I pray that my Lord uses this situation for His glory. Please do not allow me to fall even further because of all this. I realize there is no cure for this situation and I must somehow endure. Give me the strength to get through each new day. Guide me with Your Word. Eliminate all this hateful and harmful thought patterns that I am plagued with.
I am really suffering, although I do realize it could be worse.
In this vein, I am truly grateful for the health of my children as well as my grandchildren. All through these years, you have spared me from the real pain of suffering in my children. I am more than thankful and praise Your holy Name. Amen