Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Prayer

My heavenly Father, my Lord and Master. I humbly come before you, I beg Your forgiveness for my sins and the sins of my sons. May I be forgiven for all the wrong which I taught them. It weighs heavily upon my heart. Give me time, here on this earth to somehow right the wrong, to leave a positive legacy and not the atrocity which was my life.

Dear Lord, You've delivered up my youngest son to me, safely, content all the way from Iowa. I laid my trust in You and You held it closely. I am beyond grateful for this wonderful visit. Give me that opportunity to speak to him, You know of that which has been spoken to me by The Spirit.

I am listening and I ask that You use me to teach my children all that needs to be taught before I go from here. Again, it all weighs rather heavily and I must right the wrongs. Forgive them for that which they do not know. Allow me the words, straight from the Spirit, the words which their father could've, should've spoke to them, taught them. Give me that opportunity to be both mother and father. Guide my words, my sweet Jesus.

Once again, this month You had mercy upon me and delivered me from the throes, the very clutches of sickness. You are a divine Master, merciful and Just. I praise Your holy Name.

Guide my path as to how I should proceed, what I should say concerning Wam and his girlfriend. I do not know what's right or what's wrong? I ask for discernment. Please my merciful and awesome God, show Your Spirit to me and take my hand, lead me along the path of a righteous Mother.

I ask, once and again for You to bless my children and keep them safe from harms way. I have noticed, if nothing else in my life, that this is an area where I need take note of just how good You have been to me and mine. No calamity, no crisis. I do see what and all that You do for me. Place Your Angels around my family and keep them safe. I pray that once again, You'll cleanse the lungs of my grandbabies with Cystic Fibrosis. I'll ask once again for You to allow them to breathe and begin the healing. You are my only hope and my only God!

I Praise Your Holy Name! Amen

Friday, November 20, 2009

My Prayer

My Lord and Master, please hear my prayers. Forgive my sins and know that I am trying to be a better woman, a better Matriarch to this family. Give me strength, guidance and direction. I am rather lost and the fear inside, well, I know it is not natural. I welcome Your calm assurance. I'll welcome you to hold my hand sweet Jesus.

Today I go to the Doctor and hear my test results. Your will be done as always but I plead for Your tender mercies. I know that I deserve the pain and anguish which I have brought upon myself. But dear Jesus you know my heart and that I mean well. You know I need to try harder and that is why I ask for strength and guidance.

Please be merciful and speak to my Doctors heart. I want to break this situation and I ask for the Holy Spirit to minister to me on the daily so that I might live right. Yes, that is the truth of the matter; I am weak and You are strong. Please hold me up and give me the backbone to not only think before I do but realize the repercussions of my actions.

I pray you'll place Your Angels at the side of all my children as well as their children. They are all precious to me and such a wonderful gift, my Lord. Allow me to live long enough to make things right and spur me on to do the right things as well as teach better habits. Allow me to remember that these children are all gifts and must be raised knowing You, knowing they are not alone and that they need only to seek You in all aspects of their lives.

I ask for special considerations today my Holy Redeemer. Please pardon my inconsistencies and have mercy upon my soul. Nothing good will come from the things I have allowed. Let it impact me in my mind but please do not allow me to suffer as it will affect those around me. They count on me so and I need to remember this.

I'll welcome You to hold my hand today. My very soul is shaking. Please minister to my soul. I praise Your Holy Name.

I walk in circles, much of the day in fear, that unnatural, unhealthy fear. Some would call it mental health issues. I call it unnatural fear because I have nothing to fear but You, my heavenly Father. I respect, fear and fall on my face. I am not nor will I ever be righteous enough to look You in the face. But all my life, I have sought You my Lord and I do so hope that one day You will allow me to feel Your warm and loving breath upon my face.

My sweet sweet Jesus, I am so very grateful for the blessings of today. You are a merciful Master, a truly loving Father. You took into consideration the true nature of my heart. I am trying, you know this. I've come a long way but still have a long way to go. I pray you'll guide me the rest of the way so that the time I have left will be productive and to Your glory.

Heavenly and gracious Lord I ask that You will heal my grandbabies, especially Austen. He is such a sprite but loving child who suffers so. You have the power and I have the faith that if you chose so, he will be healed. May it all be to Your glory magnificent Master.

It hurts my heart to the point of breaking to worry and wonder about the care of all my grandbabies. I ask You to place Your Angels all along their way. Allow them not to stumble or fall. I ask also that You'll guard my children and the mothers of all these, my grandbabies. This is a fearful world my Lord, let it not devour us. Let it not rule us and allow me time to make things right and to leave a legacy to Your glory and Your glory alone.

I praise Your my sweet Lord. Your death on the cross, may it not be in vain where I am concerned. I pray you'll know my name and the intention of my heart. There is no god before You as You are the one true God, my God and I sing Your praises. Amen and Amen

Friday, October 30, 2009

Jesus Is The Wind

6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

God expects parents to raise their children to serve Him. Parents will answer to God for every child He entrusts to their care.

It weighs somewhat heavy upon my heart if I have planted enough seeds of wisdom in my children. I mean, there's a fine line between having religion forced down your throat as I was as a child. I never wanted to bring up my boys in or with the fire and brimstone mentality. That sort of thinking scared the living daylights out of as a child.

As well, I was raised a Catholic, up to the point of my early teens and then suddenly, my parents changed up their beliefs and doctrine. We then became "Born Again" which I have no problem with but my eclectic upbringing has caused me to be mindful of forced religion and the hang-ups that go right along with it.

At the same time, I pray that I will have enough time left on this earth to plant more seeds, seeds of faith. I want my children and grand children to know, long after I am gone, that even though I am not there with them, I await there arrival at Heaven's Gate. I also want to impart upon them that, yet again, even though I am gone, they are never ever alone.

Jesus is with them always. Jesus is just like the air we breathe, the wind that blows our hair, we can not actually see that air moving the leaves on the trees but we see the movement and we know, never questioning or worrying that we will have that air, that wind. We can not live or survive literally as well as figuratively without Him.

Our Lord moves through our lives just like the wind, surrounding us, fulfilling and omnipresent.

My Prayer

Oh gracious and Heavenly Host hear my prayers, forgive my sins as well as the sins of my children. I give You thanks and praise and I am eternally grateful for Your presence in my life and the lives of my children. I ask that You stay close. I ask that You place Your Angels at the foot of my grandbabies beds. I also ask for Your Angels to stand guard over my entire family. Please heal our family, my Lord, my God.

You have brought me this far for a reason. Allow me the time to plant the seeds I am meant to sow. Give me the wisdom, strength and words to impart Your presence within our family.

You are an awesome God and I truly thank You for the many many blessings bestowed upon us. May my children know You as well as worship Your Name. I ask for Your continued presence amongst us, to guide us all and keep us safe.

My faith dictates calm assurance but quite often I have such anxiety. Calm the storm, my sweet sweet Jesus. As well, I have been charged with leading this family, I am the Matriarch. I have failed in so many ways, in the past. Forgive my transgressions and allow me to learn from these many mistakes. Allow them to make me stronger. The urgency is there to plant these seeds.

Yes my Lord, there is urgency to get this book done too. I ask for Your help. I want it to be to the glory of Your Name. A testament of Your awesome power. I also ask for the wisdom and words to help the many souls that write to us for help. No easy task, allow our words to never hinder but to help.

I do not take my position lightly and sometimes it is quite overwhelming. Give me that calm assurance, I ask of You my Heavenly Father. Give me time to finish what I started. Give me a heightened sense of awareness, an understanding as well as forthright knowledge as to just how words can cut like a double edged sword. Yes, there is such power in words. Allow mine, my words, to be from the Father only, never of my own fruition.

Yes Yes my Sweet Jesus, I pray You will know my name. I pray You will hold my hand and walk me through this life. Instill in me the innate ability to hear Your voice and Your voice only. Drown out all the noise in my head but Your Word.

I am so very grateful my Lord. I am grateful that for the most part, I have my health as well do my children and grandchildren. I ask for Your continued blessings. I plead the Blood of Jesus upon me and mine, all of us...Your Children.

I ask all this in Your Name, my Lord Jesus. Praise You, Thank You. Amen & Amen

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Prayer

My Lord & Master,

Please forgive my sins and hear my prayers? I must trust in you, my Heavenly Host. I know this much but I have mixed feelings when it comes to my faith.

Sometimes even when I want to believe in something, namely that all will be well because you have the reigns, I will have the now famous "trepidation, fear and anxiety" because I do not know if it will be another lesson I must learn, another hardship I must endure or maybe even I must "pay" for something I've done in the past.

So I pray for wisdom to decipher this journey. I pray for strength so I might lead my family. Thus far, I've done a pretty lousy job. Will you forgive me, my Lord?

Show me the way sweet sweet Jesus? I believe it is you that gets me through the night. I believe it is you that keeps them at bay? And I pray for your continued support.

I notice that my children are basically healthy compared to others and their pain. For this I am eternally grateful. I ask to not be tested there, a category I can not bear.

Heavenly Father, I am repentant and yet my sins are still thrown in my face. Where my family is concerned, I ask for you to show me the way to go, the road to walk down in order to heal. I do not want this anger that wells inside of me. I do not like to entertain these thoughts and I pray that you'll show me what and how to do it.

Sweet Lord, I'll continually pray for You to place Your Angels amongst all my babies, to keep them safe and secure. I pray this in earnest and fervor. Sometimes it is even hard to get the words out to even pray. But You know my heart, I do believe. And my heart speaks the volumes that I sometimes can not. Hear my heart, heal my heart, oh Lord.

I thank You for all the many blessings. I have not gone without a meal nor have I run in the street naked. I have had shelter and a warm bed for some time. These things we often take for granted. But in the still of the night, when the call of the wild comes in, it is You that I seek refuge in. I ask You for Your continued favor. I ask You, sweet Jesus to hear my prayers and to heal my family.

In Jesus Name, I ask all of this. Amen

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Black Sheep

This blog was designed so that I might put in B&W, all that I am grateful for in this life. It went on to be the main page where I pray too.

You'd think it a private matter, prayers but one thing I do know for sure is that I have no skeletons in my closet, yes it is all here for the world to see. Now that's not why I do it by any means. But it's certain that I can see , just as you might in a journal, all that is my life.

These pages are filled with good thoughts, worship and praise for our dear Lord. It is also a testament to my pain. And if you were to read some of the entries here, you just might be appalled as well as disturbed. Such is my life.

It is personal growth that these pages reveal. Along with the little bursts of gratitude, there's a lot of pain, mixed emotion and prayers for forgiveness amongst the pages.

What is brutally transparent to me, if nothing else, if I were to go back and read some of my past posts, is that I am in a constant state of Spiritual battle. For me though, this has been all my life, even since I was a toddler. Why does Satan want me so badly?

Right here and right now, I pray;

That my Lord of Lord's will choose to have mercy upon me. I ask for forgiveness for all that I have done to hurt my family, especially my own children. Quite often, I have not played the cards I was dealt with a sturdy hand. Wisdom eluded me. More often than not, I have been weak and searched most diligently for any and all means of escape. But early on, it is something I learned, mainly the Drugs that help shut up the mess in my head as well as the pain that wracks my body every single minute of the day.

All my life I've struggled to just live and early on I was kicked in the teeth. My own family, specifically my own Mother threw me out at the age of 14 because I did not fit into the square peg she kept trying to push me in to. I was sacrificed for her own gold digging plan.

Sadly I admit, here I am, 50 years old and I can not move on from all that was done to me. So my Lord, I ask for strength and guidance and for you to deliver from all of this. Allow me to rise above and right my wrongs. Give me time to make things happen.

Let not my legacy be that of a ex-con, ex-heroin abuser, addict, thief, yada yada yada but of a woman that cared so much it was painful. It hurts my Lord, especially because my hands are tied. I ask for your deliverance. I ask for your healing hand to be laid upon my heart, mind, soul.

There is such great need to heal my family too. My own children still suffer because of me and it's so hard to live with. Please help them and forgive the sins of the father as well as the mother. Their father has been gone a long time, since they were all little. Because of my weaknesses, because of my poor choices, my sons were all exposed and taught so many wrong things. I ask for your help in righting these wrongs. I ask for Your patience, my Lord. Heal this family?

And so it is that I am the Black Sheep again. They call themselves Christians and yet even though I sought their forgiveness, even though I was truly repentant, it does not matter to them. They have kicked me while I was down, again and again, actually, all my life. The example they have shown me is that if I am not at their beck and call and not doing what they want to help them, they want nothing to do with me or my children.

My Heavenly Father, how do I decipher what is right and what is wrong when they carry your Name, your banner and they represent you? How do I know, what shall I do?

The sad part of all this is that I do not believe they can see their own err. I do not believe they are capable of empathy or understanding. And yet they discard me so easily. How do I keep from becoming angry and striking out as I so badly want to do?
I ask for Your divine wisdom and instruction, my Lord. I ask that you show me what to do. I am so beyond stuck on this.

I do so want to thank you my sweet Jesus for your hasty healing of my grandson, Austin. He is feeling so much better. As well, I am so truly grateful for all of my grandbabies. This new baby, Jaxon, my lil Bumby is such a true joy. He is beginning to coo, smile and even giggle. I've never seen such a truly wonderful baby, not ever. He might fuss and instinctively, I'll check his diaper. As soon as I take that diaper off of him, he is just so evidently grateful as he smiles. Now, that's the kind of attitude of gratitude I aspire to. He is such a charmer, oh my and I am utterly grateful for him as well as the opportunity to be with him. I thank you my Lord!

Sweet Jesus, hear my prayers and my request for your continued blessings for my family. Place Your Angels around them as I know you have for so very long. I bet you've got a really fast Angel just to keep up with Waylon, huh? I praise You & give You Thanks. You are truly an awesome God. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen & Amen

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Prayer

Although I try to smile, I am crying and dieing inside. I am bound by my pain, my Lord and I ask for your divine intervention. And I thank you for all of these blessings, these mini miracles. Yes, I do see them as mini miracles. I praise you for your wisdom and weight in all matters.

My pain is nothing compared to some. The woman who was raped by six boys/men in Dunbar Village/Florida, well, I pray for her healing as well as her sons. How absolutely horrific! Yes, six succumbed to the hype that is gang life, behavior and follow the leader mentality. Because of all this, for the half hour of heinous behavior, because some boys had a distinct misunderstanding of what manhood represents, their lives will be forever ruined. Their families lives, their poor Mothers lives forever ruined.

Lord, I pray for their mothers. I pray for Justice but for blessings, even in disguise might come from this. How, in the name of such awfulness can we see any blessing? We must for if we do not Satan will have won once again in this scourge against humanity. And I do believe it is Satan in all his folly directing, orchestrating, leading this madness.

We have a right to choose. We have a right to say no but Satan fills their/our heads with lies. Then it is he who laughs as they administer the sentence or their death penalty cocktail. There are no winners in that.

The sidelines will be full for those calling for their blood as their mothers weep tears filled with such burden, such pain. Is there any condolence for these mothers? Is there any reprieve from such?

The very fact that I do believe in the power of prayer, even from the likes of me, someone they have no idea of, they do not even know me or of me but I do pray. I will pray for the victims and they are all victims of such vile hatred, even the accused. I pray for peace that which they may not know. I pray for their calm assurance and for healing.

Lord, I seek your face, I seek your forgiveness, myself. Forgive me for the instant of hatred that I felt as I watched the testimony of the youngest of the Dunbar Six as well as the others. May they know Justice and be reigned in, knocked to their senseless knees so they might seek you out.

Let Satan not win on this one. Let something, anything good to come from all this. I beg you sweet sweet Jesus and I humbly ask for even this prayer to be heard. Take away the victims pain, both Mother and son and allow them to heal. This would be your finest hour. In Jesus name I ask all this. Amen

Monday, August 10, 2009

Re-Post; It's Not A Mistake Any More

Psalm 19:12-14

Well folks, they handed down the verdict...I'm a sinner. Each and every day I stand a real good chance of sinning and,"the wages of sin is death."

What can I do? Is there any point in trying? I believe that there is. Why? because Christ Yeshua died on that cross for me and MY sin. Now, knowing this does not give me a license to sin. No, in fact it holds me accountable.

Each and every day and every single night I go to my heavenly Father and ask him once again to wipe the slate clean.
But you can't go to him with lip service because he knows your heart, he knows your sincerity.

We all make mistakes, we all sin but the secret is to try harder to be more like Christ; to treat others as we want to be treated, to forgive as we would want to forgive, to judge as we would want to be judged and have charity for our fellow man. Now, charity and love are one and the same, if you have you should give and always try to see others through God's eyes.

I am three people;

I am who you think I am,

I am who I think I am,

I am who GOD knows I am.

Now, this is pretty basic stuff most of us learned in Sunday school. But how easy we forget these simple rules, how easy we find it to be unforgiving and scornful.
How easy is it to look down your nose at someone else when you know not the root of their reason. And how very easy is it to be selfish. Selfish with our money, time, love, concern, prayers and we find it so easy to be detached and not care.

We don't have time to feel someone else's pain. We don't have time to pray for
that junkie in the street. But we find the time to look down our nose at them. I truly believe with every ounce of my being that if Christ were to walk down the street and see some homeless guy panhandling, I don't think he would yell at him to,"get a job," do you?

Just as well, I don't believe Christ would be hanging out at the Country Club schmoozing and hobnobbing with the rich and talking about his new BMW. Quite frankly, I believe he would be on the streets and in the bars or outside of them trying to help and heal the truly sick, lost souls out there.
Ah, the vastness of the sick and lost and if you were to only open your eyes, you would see them.

I've made so many mistakes and bad choices in my life but I know that God never deserted me through it all. How do I know this? I know because he allowed me to learn from my mistakes. At that point they are no longer mistakes but,

"learning experiences."

Yes, I was humbled when I was arrogant. I was taught empathy when I had none. I was taught to appreciate things when I was stripped of all my worldly possessions. I had to learn all about my false pride and self-will. I had to learn understanding of that which is not known.

I was stripped of my dignity but given a humble blanket to wrap up in. I was given what I needed but not what I wanted in every respect of my life. I was sentenced to death with Hep C but was given a stay of execution. I was taught that you can't
put off getting your affairs in order with Christ Yeshua by waiting till the 11th hour when I almost died at 10:30. But most of all when I had no one,nothing,
nada I was given the greatest gift of all...Faith.


The G-Ma Life #2


My newest Grandbaby, Jaxon, well we think the one can of formula he had, out of the norm may have caused the worst diaper rash I've ever seen in my 50 years on this earth.

It was so bad that we took him to the Doctor only to be given a prescription of Bactroban. Now, I don't want to say this too loud but I do have some med experience and was already using this cream on him. My daughter-in-law did not know the name of the cream when the doctor gave her the script but she was too afraid to say we'd been using it already anyway.

I had tears in my eyes at one point as I wiped his lil' bottom and it bled. He shook in pain, it broke my heart. So, I set about doing what I could to treat it. We were rinsing his bottom off instead of using wipes. We were bathing him and allowing his butt some much needed air time to no avail.

The most important thing I've learned in these 50 years is nothing is too big or too small to pray about. I began to pray...

Back when I was in Prison and having terrible nightmares I'd learned to pray every night. They were bad but me waking up fighting, yelling and carrying on, well needless to say, my celly wasn't real happy about it. So, I'd gone to the prison Chaplain for her to minister to me on these bad dreams. At her suggestion, she told me it would be a good idea to read even a small bit of scripture before retiring. I refer to it now as, "feeding my soul" a snack before bed. She also suggested that I pray before going to sleep.

Well, it worked and I've been doing it every since. No more nightmares, not one. I often fall asleep praying as I did just the other night. I had one of those nights where I think I am awake when I am sleeping and vice versa. Whether I was alseep, is debatable but a couple of hours had passed when I was given the words, I do believe from on High. I was told to go to Jaxon's father and tell him that if he wanted his sons bottom to heal, he would get on his knees and ask.

"Good gravy Lord, but I'm comfy," I remember thinking if I didn't say it out loud. I followed the instruction and went out into the living room where I found my son, Jaxon's Dad, quietly watching T.V. and turned sideways looking at his computer on the end table. He's a night owl as are all my boys.

Now, let me set the pace here; I had religion shoved down my throat big time as a child thus I have done my best not to do the same thing. I have convictions these days that I do not instruct them enough but I do kind of tip toe around it all, not skirting but being mindful of not preaching but sharing. As well, I do not believe I've ever said anything such as this to any one of my sons.

Yes, it was a somewhat whimsical look/quizzical squint, not mockingly but questioning as I told him, "God told me to tell you that if you want Jaxon's butt to get better, you need to get on your knees and pray." I realize now that it is most assuredly a testament to how we tend to repeat things messed up or the message gets changed but, hey, I was half asleep.

The next day, I slept in but when I got up, Halena, Jaxon's Mother exclaimed to me, "Have you seen your grandson's butt?" With one eye open, I stated that I'd not been at that end yet, half laughing. "Well, when you wake up, you'll have to see it."

Again, half asleep because of the rough night before, it took me a few, quite a few actually to gather my thoughts. Halena (DIL) had not heard that I'd delivered a message straight from The Big Guy as she slept the night before.

Several hours passed and Jaxon was handed over to me so his Mom and Dad could go outside to smoke. He was due for a diaper change so I readied myself for the whole affair, you know I got the water temp right on the sink, got a clean diaper, towel, Bactroban and so on. I swallowed hard and took his diaper off...

It was completely healed!!!

Briskly, bare butt baby in hand, I went to find my son. "Did you get on your knees and pray?," I asked, really already knowing the answer. He shot me a look like "well, of course I did" to which I stuck his sons butt in his face. "Look Billy, it's all better now, " I said like some sort of maniac...which I wear very well.

Yes, do have faith cause nothing is too big or too small if you only believe!

Everyone therefore who shall confess Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven (Mt 10:32,33).

The G-Ma Life #1

I relished the moment, knowing full well it was to come to an end in just two days when I boarded the plane to go back home. This trip to Iowa was my first meeting with my grandbaby, Austen Cody, less than two years old/going on twenty...

Normally, he was running around like his ass was on fire but at the moment, this very minute, he sat calmly on my lap. His smile was huge and bright, dimples daring to speak the words he could not yet say.

He stared and studied my face, looking deeply into my eyes. I remember thinking he is gonna be a ladies man, like his Daddy, Waylon, when he grows up. The moment was surreal, calm, pleasing beyond words...

He then began to trace the lines of my lips with his little finger, ever so gently. It was so touching, my heart skipped a beat...

...and then his finger was unceremoniously rammed up my nose. With an impish but wise grin, he laughed like hell and took off.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Prayer

My Lord, I am fearful. Please take it away. This journey of my life has been rough. I know it could be worse and I am grateful for all the good.

Please sweet Jesus, come to my rescue and speak with these Doctors tomorrow and handle my situation. I am weak and falling. Hold me up and get me through this. Trials and tribulations are here. Hold my hand and guide me through this.

I praise Your holy Name and I give thanks and praise. You are the one true God and I come before you and humbly ask for your assistance. My Lord, hold my hand throughout. Amen

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thanks & Praise

I want to shout it from the roof tops;

I give You thanks and Praise my Lord Jesus for such a beautiful Grandbaby. Jaxon is just perfect. He brings me such happiness, insurmountable joy and I am pleased and grateful!

My heavenly Father, I come before You, I bow at Your feet and I give this child to You. May all the days of his life be devoted to You. May I live long enough to bring him up in the ways of the Lord. Might I live long enough to teach him of the wondrous God that You are. Might I live to tell him that on every lonely day, he need only to seek Your Face, my Lord.

My Sweet Sweet Jesus, please rain down Your blessings upon this child. Guard him against that which is evil. Place Your Angels around him. He is special is he not, my Lord? Somehow I see and feel this and I am so truly happy.

As well, I come before you as there is no other God before You, my great and gracious King. I present him to you, I give him back to you and ask for your stamp of approval. Keep him safe, I pray, just as I pray for my other children and grandchildren.

In addition, my wonderful Lord, I'll ask you to heal Jaxon's little bum as it is raw and we've done everything to heal his diaper rash. He is such a precious child and yet he cries out in such pain from this wound. You have dominion over all things, even this and I beg you for your favor for this lil' one. I beg you to heal him as I know You can and will, if You so choose. I come before You now and ask in Jesus name for divine intervention on his behalf. You are The Great Physician and I humbly ask You to forgive our sins, wipe the slate clean, know that we are trying and we believe only in You as there is no greater God.

Please hear my prayers and my words of thanks. I am truly, truly grateful. I ask all this is the name of my Lord Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen

Friday, July 17, 2009

Jerusalem of Gold

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to

the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country,
this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money
if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to

the other beggar with the cross, saying "Moishe, look who's trying to teach
the Goldstein brothers about marketing.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Prayers Please???

My Friends,

Well, if you're the praying sort, as I am, I could/should/would/will appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. My newest Grandbaby will be born tomorrow morn via C-Section.

Yes, the son that I currently live with, my middle son Bill and his wife will be welcoming "Jaxon Aiden" bright and early tomorrow. Now, I have all the faith in the world that all will be well but it never ever hurts for extra prayer and in fact I am a firm believer in the power of prayer.

Hahaha...and pray that I will get through it all. This Grandma gig is growing by the daily!!!

Monday, June 29, 2009

My Prayer

It is late, my mind is weary. My concern is for Austen Cody, "Lil' Man" as they so fondly refer to my youngest Grandson. Austen has CF and tonight is struggling to breathe.

The last phone call I got told of Lil' Man crying, not able to be comforted, not wanting to eat. His Mom had to pick him up from Daycare and they've headed to Iowa City, a good two hour drive from their home. But it is there that they'll find the Specialists in CF.

My Prayer, my heavenly Lord is that you will see fit to give these Doctors the wisdom and know how in order for them to treat Austen. You are The Great Physician and I have but to place all my faith in you. Having said this, I know that you run the show and these Doctors answer to you.

My Lord God, I ask for Divine Intervention on this child's behalf. Give him calm assurance and place your Angels at his bedside. Allow them to minister to this baby, holding his hand and heart, ever so gently.

As he struggles to breathe, something which we all take so much for granted, do not allow him to suffer not one iota. Yes, my Lord, I believe if you say it, it will be so. And I'm praying, I am believing that you will deliver my grand baby up from the ravages of this storm. I just do, I just believe.

I praise you and give you thanks my sweet, sweet Jesus. You are a gracious and wonderful God in whom I shall lay my trust. I place no other God before you, as there is no God, no greater, nothing greater than You.

My Sweet Lord, please show us your mercy, forgive our sins, now and at the hour of our death. I am Barbara, Your daughter. Please remember my name and say that you do, in fact know me. I know I have been a brat, throughout all these years but my Lord I do so want to be good and known as Your daughter. Now, this child which you have placed with us is so very sick. I ask for Your hand upon him now and all the days of his life.

I am profoundly grateful as I just know, I have faith that you will intervene. Let it all be to the Glory of Your Holy Name. This is Your child, my Lord, will you not allow him this fear as he struggles to breathe. I believe in this, I believe in You and I just know you will prevail. May the Saints sing Your glory and I praise Your precious Name. Yes, You are my God and I thank You. Amen

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pennies From Heaven

I get "Our Daily Bread" in my emails and this is an excerpt from one of the readings...

[Jesus said,] “This poor widow has put in more than all those who have given to the treasury.” —Mark 12:43

In 1987, Mike Hayes, a freshman at the University of Illinois, found a unique way to finance his education. He convinced a popular columnist at the Chicago Tribune to ask his readers to “send in a penny for Mike.”

“Just one penny,” Hayes said. “A penny doesn’t mean anything to anyone. If everyone . . . looks around the room right now, there will be a penny under the couch cushion . . . or on the floor. That’s all I’m asking. A penny from each of your readers.”

In less than a month the fund was up to 2.3 million cents. Donations came in from all over the US, as well as Mexico, Canada, and the Bahamas. Mike eventually ended up with $28,000!

Years ago, I managed to save about $165 just in pennies. As a single Mom that money came in real handy at Christmas time. I treated the pennies as if I was not allowed to use them and they had to go in the jug, never to be spent.

The reading made me think that it would be a really good example for our children, if we teach them to save their pennies. Furthermore, for them to save them for a good cause may be the very best example.

Oddly enough, I watched as my youngest son just dropped a few pennies on the ground as we were in the drive through at a fast food restaurant. I wished I had said something about it right then and there but I didn't. Call me weird, call me frugal, call me what you will but throughout these years, I have had a "thing" about picking up pennies, you know, ones you might find on the ground. The old wives tale about picking up a lucky penny, only if it's heads up gave me great trepidation for some time. But as the years wore on, I changed the rules and I even taught that to my kids;

"You can pick a penny up, if it's heads down if you turn it heads up as it's still touching the ground."

They'll do this to this very day. That, in itself is a good example of teaching our children, meaning they'll believe what we tell them if we take the time to teach them. I only wish that I'd taught them more of a reliance on The Father.

But the point of this post is, as stupid as it may seem, there's a lesson to be taught when it comes to pennies.

First; Never be too good to pick up a penny when you see it on the ground.

Second; It is humbling to squat down and pick up that penny, maybe in front of strangers.

Third; If we find a penny, we should take the time to thank God for that find and give it back in some sort of contribution to charity.

Yes, with that useless penny, lives can and could be changed. Teach your children to never arrogantly discard their pennies, teach them to save them, teach them to give back to a charity of their choice. This in turn, will open up a wonderful dialogue with your child concerning charitable works, what charity is and what might be in their heart. Charity=Love, they must be taught this.

Tithing is important, a premise I did not care for or really understand till I grew up, (a few months ago)
. There was a time when I was quite resentful about tithing. It made no sense to me and I remember thinking, "Good gravy, God doesn't need my money. Why do I have to give at Church?"

My thinking is of course, laughable at best but I'd be willing to wager that I am not alone when I thought this way. Giving resentfully is NOT what God wants. God also does not like stupid either and I am referring to those that give and place themselves in jeopardy possibly not being able to pay a bill. He also does not care too much for those that give simply in a "Show Off" mentality.

Now, I can't speak for the Father but I do believe that the understanding is to give from the heart, give in faith and give quietly, a communique between just yourself and our Lord.The point may be to teach your children to simply give, if even a penny at a time. They do add up, try it you'll see!!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

My Prayer

I am set to fly out of Buffalo International tomorrow at 7:30 pm, headed to Iowa. My youngest son, Waylon and his family live there. Oddly enough, I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, lol!

Waylon, or Wam as we've called him since he was born has two children with Cystic Fibrosis. His oldest daughter, Kassandra lives in Arizona while his youngest lives with him in Iowa. I'll meet my grandson, Austen for the first time.

My Prayer is that all goes well. I won't be back from Iowa for two weeks. Now, here at home, where I live with my middle son, Bill, his wife, Halena and my two grandkids, Lil Bill and Samantha things are a bit jumbled and now's not exactly a great time to be leaving. Halena is due to have their 3rd child on July 7th but will be having a C-Section scheduled for July 1st. Again, I pray that she does not go into labor early as I am needed here to help with the children while she goes into the hospital.

This Grandma business is not easy, ya know. I do feel needed right here at home. I am the one who watches over the kids while they work and sleep, I cook and clean, you know like Grandma's do. My concern of course, is that I will come home to emaciated grandkids as my daughter-in-law admittedly can not really cook. God knows what they did before I got here other than eat garbagy stuff.

Laughingly, I will pray that my son and his children will not waste away to nothing before I get back.Yes, we all have our strong suits and cooking is not Halena's. She's an award winning CNA, good with her patients, patient with her patients at an area Nursing Home, more patient than I might be. Aw, patience with the patients.Now, ain't that cute?

Back on the subject, it does baffle me how a person never learns to cook or do dishes right. I guess it goes back to how a person is raised, right? But she will serve strange things, as she did the other night. On a night, a rare one but a night when I was so sick I couldn't lift my head off the pillow,
well, this was the menu; Instant mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and left over chicken flavor rice vermacelli.
God help us all! prayer is that all will be well on the Eastern Front as I am gone to the Midwest for those two weeks. Yes, I am nervous about leaving, flying, a new baby, leaving at this crucial time, etc., etc.

If you might read this, I ask that you bow your head and say a prayer that it all goes off without a hitch, that my poor grandbabies will not starve in the midst of my absense, that this new baby might wait to be born till I get back and everything just falls into place.

I might add that I happen to notice that although I don't have a diddley dime, last summer I traveled to Arizona for a week, stayed at a nice Hotel, met my two granddaughters, one for the first time, one in too many years that brought about tears of joy and now this summer, I'll get to meet my other grandbabies. God is good, NO, He's terrific. And I am so very grateful! Amen Brother!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Blind Faith

It's cloudy, raining only on me, isn't it? Yes, that's often how I feel...

I often feel as if I'm walking, stumbling through this life, stumbling, fumbling in the dark. I see the Light off in the distance. I desire that Light, of course, I mean, after all, who really wants to sit, walk, talk or stumble in the dark.

That "Light" of course, is the Light of The Father and I crave it, desire it most, need it, want it, have to have it. But more often than not, I find myself in the dark, sometimes accepting it as if I don't see an answer. The Answer is in The Word, the answer is the Word and yet I still stumble.

It's an awareness of this darkness, that foreboding emptiness that is the darkness, that I suppose is a step in the right direction. And I assume as I write this, as always it serves as a reminder to me to continue to seek The Light.

For the Light is in The Word!

I like to call it my "Blind Faith." Now, some may say that is not a welcome term for me to use, yet it is what it is to me. In it's reference, along with my prior words are what I am, what I do, what I must have. For me, it's a way of life because I now realize that the Light that I search for is as close as closing my eyes, reaching out my hand and walking with the Lord. He never let go of my hand, it was me that let go at various intervals in my life.Thus, once again, I was projected in to and of the darkness.

It was my Mother that told me of how I had let go of Jesus's hand, not the other way around. I cried out in my misery and my Mother reminded me to grab hold of His hand and to not let go. She is and was right and I can now see this.

Hold To Jesus's Hand

When the way gets weary
You feel all alone
Hold the hand of Jesus
Your troubles will be gone
When tears fill your eyes
You cry in despair
Hold the hand of Jesus
He will be there


When there's a test at school
You've studied all you can
Bow you head in prayer
Hold on to Jesus's hand
When a friend has betrayed you
You feel hurt and cast away
Hold on Jesus's hand
He will gently pave the way


When trials and temptations
Seem more than you can bear
Hold on to Jesus's hand
He will lift your every care
When your cross gets heavy
And the way seems so long
Hold tight to Jesus's hand
His strength will make you strong

(C) Linda Hill

Revised Repost

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Notable Quotes

I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.

Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Remind Me

To tune in on God's voice, we've got to tune out the world. Sssssssssssh Listen!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

For The Love of Austen & Kassandra

My Grandson Austen has Cystic Fibrosis as well as MRSA. This lil guy suffers but he does so with a smile on his face. Even within this sickness there is most assuredly a blessing. Yes, two of my grandbabies have CF and of course there's cause for concern. But every night I pray for their well being.

I will pray and have been praying for years that God sees fit to cleanse their lungs and system of the mucous that threatens their life.
See, with CF they are just full of this hateful mucous. It scars their lungs, it's in their bowels and they must take meds and pancreatic enzymes just to digest their food. It's a terrible state of affairs. But there's a silver lining in all this.

First, because of this disease, these children are precious and fragile. At the same time, I see God working and answering my every prayer concerning them.
"Lil' Man," as they fondly call Austen seems to really go through it. He's into his "Terrible Two's" which even for a child without CF means colds and cutting teeth but he's especially supseptible to anything and everything.

Beyond all this illness lies a calm assurance. I must often shake my head, literally, to keep myself in check and not to foster a lack of faith. I write that I have faith that my God will prevail and I believe my God will bless them and keep them, both Austen as well as my oldest grandchild, Kassandra.

If you read this, I ask that you might say a simple prayer for continued strength and wisdom on the part of their Doctors as well as the strength it must take for their Mama's, an undaunting endurance to keep them healthy and happy.. With God as their Great Physician...all things are possible. Amen!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Jesus First/Faith Not Fiction

He is a good and gracious God!! My new line of thinking is to put Jesus first in all things. I realized that, well for one, I wear the weight of the world, if nothing else, at least my own family, across my narrowing shoulders. I run the roost, run the show and if it was said that I've been guilty of "micro-managing" I could not deny it.

The older I get the more I realize that I do not know it all, as I so fondly thought. Far be it from me to NOT admit this but just when I thought I'd seen it all, knew it all, it was proven time and again that in fact, I did not and had not. Personal growth, I suppose.

Possibly the most wonderful thing I have learned and it's a fresh way of thinking is to place "Jesus First" in all things.I do believe the second greatest thing I have learned is to really apply the "Let go and let God" principle.

For me, this Jesus First application/mindset is huge. Because I am of the management mentality, I am used to being the consummate problem solver, the go-to gal. I might even appear as if I have my act together. In fact, I don't, never have and probably never will. That doesn't stop people, family and so forth from coming to me for help, guidance and to solve the would be riddle of the day.

The chief ingredient here is the wholehearted acknowledgment that I can not fix it all, "I need help." I have been guilty of worrying myself sick and when it comes right down to it, it's just a big deal to me to realize that I need only to go straight to the top with anything and everything in my life.

Faith Not Fiction

I am grateful, in the Autumn of my life to have finally come to the realization that I have the one true God, my own personal Physician and Counselor, just a call away. What I mean is, yes, we all know that we should pray and go to the Father. But the difference is the application of doing this for all things, no matter how large, no matter how minute or even what appears to be petty.

It is faith and not fiction that I may go to Jesus first and ask for wisdom, guidance and direction. I've known all this for years but I never applied it. I worried and struggled...needlessly.

Almighty Father, you are so wonderful and I thank you for answering my prayers. You know my heart. It was once black and hardened, necrotic and actually egotistical. You forgave me and allowed me to heal what was important and grow from those circumstances. I praise You for this and I ask for your continued blessings. I ask for your continued guidance and the wisdom to lead this family. Allow me the time, Dear Lord, to do the right thing. Allow me the time to right some of this wrong.

I seek Your face, I seek to walk in Your light. I seek the answers, the wisdom, the know how to lead this family. I seek Your favor. I pray for these continued blessings for my children and grandchildren. I am so pleased that you have chosen to bless me with these wonderful grandkids. I am even more pleased that even though two of my grandkids have Cystic Fibrosis, You, my Sweet Sweet Jesus, allow them to enjoy their health. I can not put into words how wonderful this is and I thank You and praise Your holy Name. Amen!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

God First

I can relate to a child not wanting to do their homework, schoolwork and so on. I often act like that child who would rather play than work when it comes to reading scripture and even my time devoted to prayer. I stand, an ex-con, convicted, guilty as charged.

I can remember that I would have terrible nightmares during my first year in Prison. They were bad enough I found myself seeking the counsel of the Prison Chaplain, Dixie Welker.

Pastor Dixie is/was an extremely devoted spirit, a woman who dealt with all kinds of adversity, all sorts of evil, a mass culmination of mixed up, societal
throwaways; Inmates at the State Correctional Facility at Cambridge Springs, Pa.

She could be blunt, cutting to the chase on more than one occasion where Street wise met Spiritual wise in a head-on collision. She firmly dealt with unfavorable behavior i.e., women coming to church service in order to meet up with their lesbian lovers and mess around. It was a rather distasteful display and she let 'em know it.

Pastor Welker was a spit-fire not to be confused with fire and brimstone philosophy but one of the best examples of Christian love and values I have yet to meet. After all, it can not be easy, I'm quite sure, to find love in your heart for a woman, in example that killed their child or maybe allowed their daughter to be raped and molested for a few measly crack rocks.
It's insidious but true and some of the things I'd heard, some of the heinous most nocuous stories, tales of true crime, well, I even found myself sitting in judgment.

I had to remind myself that this was a position where I had no business being.
If nothing else this was all a lesson in redemption. To look into the eyes of a fellow inmate who'd done something so villainous, especially to a child and see them through God's eyes was, for me, a challenge at best. But they sat next to me in Church, I assume for the very same reason as I was there; In search of redemption, forgiveness, fellowship and the Word. I had to remind myself of this as well as the very passage "Judge lest ye be judged."

Pastor Dixie was also a woman who taught us that we must forgive ourselves by going to The Father in true repentance and then believing that we were, in fact forgiven.
That teaching premise has been the source of strength and reminder as I struggle with my addiction, sins, crimes and remembering that I am forgiven.

Satan loves to convict me over and over again for the same crime. What I mean is that I will often times remember something just awful that I have done, possibly something I've asked forgiveness for already in the past. I will find myself praying for forgiveness, feeling guilt and shame, angry with myself for my past behaviors. And I now know that it is Satan that does his best to make me feel like I do when reminded of my past transgressions, of which there are many.

It is Pastor Dixie's words, though, true Christian words from and of the Word which have been something I've had to remind myself of. Yes, I struggle on the daily, even today. I suppose it's a question of faith, a belief that I am forgiven. I have to reiterate this to myself constantly.
The Chaplain had also counseled me, as I stated, concerning these nightmares. They were bad and I would wake in a cold sweat.

Quite often these dreams were of a violent nature. Sometimes it was me
being hurt or chased or it was me doing and inflicting the pain upon others. At the start of my sentence, I began treatment for Hep C.

They put me on Interferon and Ribiviron, drugs which left me so sick I could hardly walk. I lost more than half of my thick brown/black hair which turned a rusty red.

Per usual, they have you see the Psychiatrist because apparently this particular medication causes one to feel suicidal. I on the other hand felt more homicidal than suicidal citing the lack of civilized behavior from my fellow inmates. But I did discuss my nightmares and the Psych doctor had no rhyme or remedy. She simply pointed out that because of my anger as well as my diagnosis of P.T.S.D., coupled with the fact that I was actually completely sober for the first time in years, my brain was over active and over stimulated.

She did place me on more psych meds, I was a walking zombie already because of them.
Getting no where fast, it was then that I spoke to Pastor Dixie about my dilemma concerning these horrid dreams.

It was then, that I learned the very first example of why I should put God first. After all, He is the Great Physician. As she held my hand, she looked me in the eye and spoke my Rx for this dilemma, "Every night before you go to sleep, always read some scripture. Feed your soul."

I did and it worked. No more nightmares.
The quaint implication of the words, "God first," I have found to be paramount. I must admit those words two little words mean so much. I mean, I believe them to possibly be some of the most important words ever uttered.

I have come to realize that I must place God first in more things, in every aspect of my life. I must go to Him first on the grandest of scales as well as the smallest.

I found that when I prayed for safety in my job when ever I used the slicer or one of our professionally sharpened knives, I did not cut myself. Oddly enough, I was reminded a few times as I shaved a nail down, "Oops, forgot to pray," but I've yet to be cut when I prayed first...EVER!!!

Yes, God first in all things.

My Prayer...

Heavenly Father,

I ask for your forgiveness, you know my heart. I pray that you will guide my Doctor tomorrow to help me, to treat me and you will place it upon his heart and give him the wisdom and guidance to know what is right for me.

Allow him to see my pain and the truth in the matter.
I pray you will give me the words and wisdom as well to convey exactly what is going on, all that is wrong as I seek treatment.

I implore of You, my Lord, do not allow me to suffer any longer, please? It is getting harder and harder to press on especially when I have these things to worry about. Take my fear away and replace it with the confidence and knowledge that you are there with me, guiding my words, holding my hand.

I seek Your face Lord and I search for answers. I wish to walk in Your light. I know that you are my Lord, my Savior and Master, I shall not want. I need only to ask and place you first in all things.

I ask for your continued blessings for my family and am more than grateful for the continued health and welfare of my family. You have been so good to us and I am aware of this.

You have kept my kids and grandkids safe and healthy, which is such a gigantic blessing. You are truly an awesome God.

I pray for your favor for my sons so that they might be good men, good father's and lead by example to their own children. May they teach them "God first" in all things too.
I praise Your holy Name, sweet, sweet Jesus. Amen

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Questions & Prayer

Dear Friends,

If you happen to come across this blog, this post in particular, I ask for your prayers. I ask that you pray for me to find my way in this dark and vast wilderness that is my mind.

I don't know what it is but I am having an extremely hard time in prayer. As of late, when I read the Word, I hear cuss words in my head. I know who it is and I pray for deliverance from it. Much to my dismay, my prayers have yet to be answered, concerning this situation. It causes me, of course, to question myself, to question my very faith. Is it a weakness on my part because I can't or won't stop this absurd behavior?

What I am referring to is, for example, if I see the word, Jesus or anything of a religious aspect, my mind immediately throws out cuss words, in my head of course. Then, I spend the next few minutes in apology to my Lord and asking for forgiveness of this insidious behavior. Satan is certainly playing an extremely foul game with me. Because of this, I find myself feeling shameful, disgraced and fall further and further into despair...exactly what he wants.

Right here, right now, I pray to our Lord Jesus Christ that He might deliver me from the clutches of evil. I ask that He might take this affliction away and guide me to smoother thinking. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and forgives me and by putting this into words, I will draw strength from these words.

I recently wrote to a friend inquiring about my health. This sums up what is happening;

"I'm having a real problem w/my Doctors and my meds. I have this Dr. that has me on a very strong medication(MS Contin), one which he says he's not comfortable giving out but he has written 4 scripts for it. The meds do nothing for me except keep me from going through withdrawal. I sincerely hate this med and don't want to take it but I don't want to go through the sickness if I don't take it. He then said he wanted to transfer my case to a pain specialist. I waited for the referral, called and waited some more. He then wrote my script again. His nurse tells me she will call me with the referral and I wait again. I ask the nurse again, "Do I wait, will I get a call from you w/this referral?" She says I need to wait and I don't get the call, as promised and my meds will run out so I call again and his receptionist tells me, "Well, didn't the Doctor tell you that he didn't want to give you this medication and you'd have to go to a pain specialist?" Meaning they don't want to refill my script. First off, they make you feel like a junkie but I can not go to just any Doctor I want, I have to have a referral. Catch 22 and my meds will run out next weekend. The thought of going through withdrawal once again terrifies me..
This game is more than crazy. Last month, when I was moving, I took extra of my pills to combat the pain. I only get two pills a day and honest to God, they don't do diddly for me, never have other than I now am able to sleep more than I had before. They do not help with the pain, they just make me tired. But like a dummy, just trying to get relief from days of moving, using my arm like I shouldn't but had to, I took 10 extra pills which is actually 5 days of meds. See, a friend of my son, Lee, said he'd give me a bunch of pills he had leftover from surgery so I took extra of my pills. All of a sudden the guy tells me he can't give me the pills so I'm up the creek without a paddle.

Now, I did it to myself and I can't do anything about it. I went through withdrawal for a week and during that time had a heart attack. Well, I believe it was an attack as my heart felt seized up and I passed out. I came to about 15 minutes later and felt like someone kicked me in the chest. I really hate this and I seem to be in some purgatory/hell on earth.

So, there's the truth of the matter and it really sucks. I don't know what to do to get out of the situation either, ya know? I appreciate your concern even though I almost feel I don't deserve it. This situation is like, well, I feel all this guilt, feel like a junkie, mainly because that's how they make you feel. Yet, I tried to live w/this pain and couldn't. I have no cartilage left in my elbow, it's bone on bone. I had two ribs removed and four nerves moved. Something is going on and I'm in constant pain. As well, I have such nausea because of the pain and the pills themselves and often throw up the pills and have had to take more to compensate for the ones I just threw up.

I vomit all the time, usually from pain itself and have then had to take extra of my pills. I paint myself into a corner constantly. The guilt and shame associated with all this is enormous. The doctors create monsters with these meds and then want to play God and take it all away or they make you beg and plead. I have such psychological damage from just that alone, it's absolutely insane. It's an insidious situation.

I too have degenerative arthritis in my neck and back and my nerves are screwing up causing me pain everywhere. Not a day goes by that I don't have to literally push myself, kick my own butt to just function. Every thing I do, or you do for that matter requires that you use both hands, both arms. Well, my left arm is a constant grinding and if I have to lift anything, the bone just simply separate. You can not even fathom how much it hurts yet I must use it. Then because of over using my right arm to compensate for the left, the nerves are all messed up. So, I did what they told me to do and had two nerves moved. All it did was move the pain. It's crazy cause now I know that most of the pain is coming from my neck.

'Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to the point of insanity!'

You try to explain and there's just so much wrong, they just can't seem to grasp it all or they just don't give a crap. It's a truly sad commentary on the medical field, here in the States."

I pray that my Lord uses this situation for His glory. Please do not allow me to fall even further because of all this. I realize there is no cure for this situation and I must somehow endure. Give me the strength to get through each new day. Guide me with Your Word. Eliminate all this hateful and harmful thought patterns that I am plagued with.

I am really suffering, although I do realize it could be worse.

In this vein, I am truly grateful for the health of my children as well as my grandchildren. All through these years, you have spared me from the real pain of suffering in my children. I am more than thankful and praise Your holy Name. Amen

Monday, February 23, 2009

My Prayer

My Lord, my God, my heavenly Master, please hear my prayer.

I am grateful that you got me through that last week of hell. I did learn a valuable lesson and I ask for continued strength. I am grateful as well that you did not allow me to perish and I am beginning to realize just how close to death I really was. If nothing else I felt I was dying inside. I beg you, my Lord to guide me, walk me through these trying times.

I come to you my Father and ask for healing in so many aspects of my life. As well, I ask you to take away whatever it is that is making me cuss your word in the back of my mind. Forgive me Lord, it is not me, it is not what I want to do. I am aware of it and have a good idea that it is a demonic spirit that causes me to think this way. Right here, right now, I state that I am more than aware that you hold dominion over all things, over and above any demon that may persecute me. I pray, I ask fervently for you to remove this oppression, this thing, whatever it is that causes me to swear in my head. You are my Lord and my Master and I must feed on your Word. Lord, you are Master of all things and I beseech you for your help and healing.

Sweet Jesus, I humbly come before you and ask for continued healing of my family and their issues. I thank you for the progress we have made thus far. I also thank you for the continued health of two of my grandchildren who have Cystic Fibrosis. So much could go wrong but you hear my prayers, I know you do Lord. I am so aware that it is your healing touch which allows these children, all of my grandkids to enjoy their health and happiness.

It is actually no small miracle that these children have not suffered. I acknowledge Your heavenly hand upon them all. I plead the Blood upon them. I beg you for your continued protection for my children and grandchildren.

Sometimes, my Lord, we need to count the simplest blessings. I mean, when I see how some children suffer, their parents in such dismay for the health and well being of their babies due to some illness or disease, I realize that I have been so very blessed for all these years. My own children have never been seriously hurt, maimed or taken from me. No, I have enjoyed these, my babies for all these years. That is no small miracle and I have a super realization of how extremely awesome that is. I am so very grateful. You are an awesome God.

Yes, it would be so easy to dwell on the hardships of life, the pain, my very own pain. But how grand it is, my sweet Lord, that you have chosen to bless me through all of this. Even more astounding, to me, is the fact that my children, my sons, who were more or less, in many ways neglected, in their teens, due to my addiction but have such forgiving souls. This is truly a gift on so many levels. First and foremost, although they are not what some might term as"successful" in a worldly, financial aspect, they are most certainly, each and every one of them, wonderful human beings, good hearted men who care about the important issues in life, namely, treating others as you'd want to be treated, honor, respect, values and a firm belief in You my Heavenly Host. They also do not try to hurt or scam others nor do they advance in life at the expense of others. These are actual accomplishments, a perspective on what is truly important in life. They are men of heart, genuine and real. I am proud of them because of this and can only be grateful because they shook off the bad influences they could have so readily embraced. I praise Your Holy Name for this, all of this.

I ask you Lord to guide me as I walk through this life, may I live as example. May they know when they see me that I am Your daughter. I also ask that you might see fit to speak to my daughter and granddaughter, speak to their hearts that they may know that they must both, each look in the mirror. I pray that Faye will reach her bottom so I might be there to help pull her back up. I ask that you speak to Jessie that she might know that I only want her to be a good person, an upstanding woman, no more brazen or brash, no more selfish behavior. Allow her to hear my words without all this anger but to understand that I care enough to tell her what and how I feel. Allow her to understand my words and grow from them. Let them help but never hinder? More importantly, may my words be from the Spirit and not a fabrication unto my own. Let my words be your words and spoken to her soul.

My prayer to you sweet sweet Jesus is that you might continue to bless my family. I ask for guidance and wisdom, strength and stamina so that I might get done all that is pertinent. There is so much to be done and I can not seem to focus as I should, as I must. I pray for the wherewithal to accomplish all that needs to be done; the book, SSI and most of all, those things that I need to do before I die so that I might be a positive influence long after I am gone.

Again, I am so very grateful for each and every miracle, big and small and I certainly recognize that all these goods things are blessings you have rained down upon me and mine. You are a truly fantastic, just, caring and awesome God, there is no God before you. And my goal is for nothing is this entire world, no material thing, no one person or situation to come before you. I have the faith to get through this life and I know that you are real and I am your daughter. Too many good things have happened to me and for me to explain any of it away as coincidence, luck or magic. All these good things are from and of You, my Lord. May I never forget this, may I always remember even the minute details of your glorious blessings upon me and mine.

I praise Your Holy Name. I am grateful beyond words. I do not deserve Your continued blessings but I am surely, truly grateful. Thank you, my Lord. Amen!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Atheist Theology Student Who Was Found by God

I never had the pleasure of meeting Tommy either but I can also possibly touch the world with his story?

The Atheist Theology Student Who Was Found by God
John Powell a professor at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:

Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith. That was the first day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders.

It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn’t what’s on your head but what’s in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped.

I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange ... very strange. Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father-God. We lived with each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew.

When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a slightly cynical tone: "Do you think I’ll ever find God?"

I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. "No!" I said very emphatically.

"Oh," he responded, "I thought that was the product you were pushing."

I let him get five steps from the classror find him, but I am absolutely certain that He will find you!" He shrugged a little and left my class and my life.

I felt slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line: "He will find you!" At least I thought it was clever. Later I heard that Tommy had graduated and I was duly grateful.

Then a sad report, I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe. "Tommy, I’ve thought about you so often. I hear you are sick!" I blurted out.

"Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It’s a matter of weeks."

"Can you talk about it, Tom?"

"Sure, what would you like to know?"

"What’s it like to be only twenty-four and dying?"

"Well, it could be worse."

"Like what?"

"Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real ‘biggies’ in life."

I began to look through my mental file cabinet under "S" where I had filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification God sends back into my life to educate me.)

But what I really came to see you about," Tom said, " is something you said to me on the last day of class." (He remembered!) He continued, "I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, ‘No!’ which surprised me. Then you said, ‘But he will find you.’ I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time. (My "clever" line. He thought about that a lot!) But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, then I got serious about locating God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven.

But God did not come out. In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit.

Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn’t really care ... about God, about an afterlife, or anything like that. "I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered something else you had said: ‘The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them.’ "So I began with the hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him."

"Dad". . .

"Yes, what?" he asked without lowering the newspaper.

"Dad, I would like to talk with you."

"Well, talk."

"I mean. .. It’s really important."

The newspaper came down three slow inches. "What is it?"

"Dad, I love you. I just wanted you to know that." Tom smiled at me and said with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him: "The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me.

And we talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me. "It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me, too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. I was only sorry about one thing: that I had waited so long. Here I was just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to.

"Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn’t come to me when I pleaded with him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, ‘C’mon, jump through.’ ‘C’mon, I’ll give you three days .. .three weeks.’ Apparently God does things in his own way and at his own hour. "But the important thing is that he was there. He found me.

You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for him."

"Tommy," I practically gasped, "I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love. You know, the Apostle John said that. He said God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.’ Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing it wouldn’t be half as effective as if you were to tell them."

"Oooh . . . I was ready for you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for your class."

"Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call." In a few days Tommy called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never made it.

He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed.

He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.

Before he died, we talked one last time. "I’m not going to make it to your class," he said.

"I know, Tom."

"Will you tell them for me? Will you . . . tell the whole world for me?"

"I will, Tom. I’ll tell them. I’ll do my best."

So, to all of you who have been kind enough to hear this simple statement about love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven: "I told them, Tommy . ... best I could."