Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Guilt


The World has one way of assigning and defining Guilt, while, I believe that the Christian overview is different. The very definitions per Merriam-Webster accentuates, what I would call, a worldly definition;

1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty ; broadly : guilty conduct2 a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach3: a feeling of culpability for offenses


So, how does a Christian define "Guilt?" I think it's extremely important to know and understand not only the word but the Word concerning guilt.


As I researched this very word, I found a compelling article on Torah.org
It is written by Rabbi Dovid Hochberg. I did not want to quote it here because of copyrights but it is a really good way of seeking Repentance (Teshuva) and the understanding of guilt.

We must first feel guilt and then hopefully remorse for our transgression. We then seek the Father and repent, praying for absolution, right? But the important part comes shortly after your true repentance, your true heart felt prayers and request from the father to forgive. This last part is what I am having such a hard time with. It is also my revelation...

To sin is the way of the world, the humanity of me. I want to be as far from this as possible yet I find every single day, laying down at night and in my prayers, I am asking for forgiveness. I imagine I am not too different, am I, from your average person, your average sinner? (There was a time when I would have said, "Yes, I am different, I am worse and a heathen." But that is no more, Jesus and I are pals)

This guilt thing has got to go. My guilt can be so heavy, weigh me so far down it can literally make me sick. No, I am not your average person or your average sinner. I am in constant spiritual warfare CONSTANT!!! But I love my Lord and I strive every single day, every waking hour to fight the good fight. It is easy to take the girl off the street. But let me tell ya sister, it ain't easy taking the street off the girl.

The thing is though, I have to remind myself on the daily, every minute that Christ died for MY sins, not just everybody elses. I have to remind myself that when I ask for forgiveness...it's a done deal...move on...get over it. But it's not so easy for me. Satan just loves to remind me of all the filth I did, of every dirty deed, especially when and where it concerns my children. I was not the best mother. My addictions came first and they suffered. God forgive me!

Is is not a test of faith, of everything I know when Satan throws some memory in my face and you can betcha I have a vivid memory, to not be buried in insurmountable guilt? That guilt almost killed me just a year ago. I fell and I fell really hard. I hurt my family, namely my little Sister. I look back and see that my anger towards her and my pain spurred me on to ruin. Yes, anger kills.

The leaves are all around me, the smell of Autumn resonates through my nose. I used to say that every Autumn, I fell in love. It could be with the same man, yes my husband but I would fall in love in the Fall. It is my favorite time of year. But as of late, what do you think is going through my head?
This exact time, last year, I was driving to Brooklyn two or three times a week...

I am on Pain meds and was going to a Pain Management Clinic in Syosset, NY, once a month. The kind of meds I am on, require that you be seen once a month and carry a written prescription to your Pharmacy. I messed up the time of my appointment and was 45 minutes late. They refused to see me. I was devastated. I started going through withdrawal from the meds. Life had kicked me in the teeth over and over at that point. I knew how to get a quick remedy for that awful, dreaded feeling and sickness; Heroin.

I'd been clean from it for 9 years almost to the day. I'd fought tooth and nail to stay that way. But a series of events and situations, lies and alibi's changed all that. I first lied to myself thinking that I could do the heroin just for temporary...wrong! My new clinic appointment wasn't for another three weeks. I saw no other way...

I felt the hair on the back of my neck singed off, the flames of hell were so close. He lied to me again, I lied to me again. God help me? In those three short weeks, I worked up an appetite for destruction and when I did finally get my meds back, they were like taking nothing. My plan had backfired so badly and in the wake of destruction, I'd lied and alibied.

By Thanksgiving I'd tried to hang myself 4 times. As I stood on the little chair, each time I would attempt it, I begged God to forgive me, the pain was just too much. I should be dead. It should have worked. Was it Angels which held me up each time as I fought on my tip toe to untie the cord from my neck, almost blacking out? Thank you Sweet Jesus. Yes, I do know how selfish I was. Yes, I do know how wrong it was. Please forgive me Heavenly Father?

The shame and the guilt are so deeply cut into me, I am scourged and the scars are all over me. I must believe that I am forgiven. My Master, please tell me that I might walk by Your side, in Your Light. I beseech you to hold my hand and tell me You still love me? I beg Your forgiveness and I ask that somehow, someway I will know that yes, you have forgiven me? Please my Lord? Amen

2 comments:

Doug and Lori said...

Oh yes Babz- He does love you so very much!
I am so grateful for the fact that we do not earn His love and therefore cannot lose it! There is nothing you or I could ever do to make Him stop loving us!
I am so sorry for the really hard things you have walked through this last year. My heart hurts for you in your pain. And I am so sorry that you are dealing with such guilt. I am praying that the Lord would remind both of us daily that we are truly forgiven!
(((Babz)))
Love,
Lori

Babz said...

I just read this prayer, I wrote again. I have tears in my eyes just reading it and then I read your comment. I must not have known of your comment and I am sorry I did not respond. I do need your prayers Lori and you have made a difference in my life, did you know this? Even though I've never met you, it's as if I've known you all my life. This must be because you are my Sister in Christ. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have been here for me at my darkest hours. I pray for your blessings as well as your heath as I know how you suffer with your own as well.

Yes, may He chose to bless you with Answers!

The Biggest Hug