Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Fervent Prayer

I stood at the foot of the cross. I could not even look up, there was such shame. A drop of blood fell upon my face...

My Lord, my Master, please have mercy upon me. I dig my own holes, I know this. I am weak but you are strong. Please hold me up and help me. Please forgive my many sins and let me live. Don't let this get me, please.

Place it upon their hearts to know my intention. Warm their souls to my plight. Please do not allow me to fall over this. I am scared, I am paralyzed with fear. Give me the strength to just get through this.

I believe you know my heart, no, I know you know me. You can see into the dark recesses of my mind, my heart, my very soul and You know how I struggle with this. What a mess. Show me the answer, show me the way. Please do not allow me to fall here. It is so dark, I am so afraid. Hold my hand, please Great and powerful King.

Place it upon her heart and mind that she holds the key to my immediate future. Allow her to know my fear and not condemn me for it but to understand. I am so very afraid. Please my Lord, you know my suffering, you know my pain. I am sick of being sick. I am tired of living this way. Please come to my assistance as I know only You can. You alone, have the power to place this upon her heart, this understanding and need. It is very real, too real, too painful.

You are an awesome God, You are my only God and only You have dominion over all this. Please my merciful Master, come to my assistance. I praise Your Holy Name...

Each new day is wrought with fear. I do not want to live like this. Forgive me and move these stones. Take away the sins of the father and the mother and allow my children to no longer suffer for what we've done. I realize and embrace it all. I am remorseful and I recognize the err. Bless this family and allow them to walk in Your light as well. Forgive them for what they did not know. Forgive them for the things I taught them, forgive us all and begin the blessings. Take away the sickness, manage the mental pain and anguish we all have and let us work through and move past all this garbage.

Forgive my selfish heart? Forgive my addiction? Tell me it will be alright, my Lord? Show me what to do. Give me the wisdom and knowledge to be this Matriarch, the good Mother and Grandmother. Let me lead by example and allow my past to be just that. Please heal me, my Sweet Jesus. Mend this broken soul and erase the black from my heart.

Do not allow him to win. Guard me, my Lord. Place Your Angels around my family, all of us. They attack us, they want to hurt us, they want to break us. Please do not allow it. Mend this family, please? Only You have the power to do all this. I ask all this in Jesus Name. Amen

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


The World has one way of assigning and defining Guilt, while, I believe that the Christian overview is different. The very definitions per Merriam-Webster accentuates, what I would call, a worldly definition;

1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty ; broadly : guilty conduct2 a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach3: a feeling of culpability for offenses

So, how does a Christian define "Guilt?" I think it's extremely important to know and understand not only the word but the Word concerning guilt.

As I researched this very word, I found a compelling article on
It is written by Rabbi Dovid Hochberg. I did not want to quote it here because of copyrights but it is a really good way of seeking Repentance (Teshuva) and the understanding of guilt.

We must first feel guilt and then hopefully remorse for our transgression. We then seek the Father and repent, praying for absolution, right? But the important part comes shortly after your true repentance, your true heart felt prayers and request from the father to forgive. This last part is what I am having such a hard time with. It is also my revelation...

To sin is the way of the world, the humanity of me. I want to be as far from this as possible yet I find every single day, laying down at night and in my prayers, I am asking for forgiveness. I imagine I am not too different, am I, from your average person, your average sinner? (There was a time when I would have said, "Yes, I am different, I am worse and a heathen." But that is no more, Jesus and I are pals)

This guilt thing has got to go. My guilt can be so heavy, weigh me so far down it can literally make me sick. No, I am not your average person or your average sinner. I am in constant spiritual warfare CONSTANT!!! But I love my Lord and I strive every single day, every waking hour to fight the good fight. It is easy to take the girl off the street. But let me tell ya sister, it ain't easy taking the street off the girl.

The thing is though, I have to remind myself on the daily, every minute that Christ died for MY sins, not just everybody elses. I have to remind myself that when I ask for's a done deal...move on...get over it. But it's not so easy for me. Satan just loves to remind me of all the filth I did, of every dirty deed, especially when and where it concerns my children. I was not the best mother. My addictions came first and they suffered. God forgive me!

Is is not a test of faith, of everything I know when Satan throws some memory in my face and you can betcha I have a vivid memory, to not be buried in insurmountable guilt? That guilt almost killed me just a year ago. I fell and I fell really hard. I hurt my family, namely my little Sister. I look back and see that my anger towards her and my pain spurred me on to ruin. Yes, anger kills.

The leaves are all around me, the smell of Autumn resonates through my nose. I used to say that every Autumn, I fell in love. It could be with the same man, yes my husband but I would fall in love in the Fall. It is my favorite time of year. But as of late, what do you think is going through my head?
This exact time, last year, I was driving to Brooklyn two or three times a week...

I am on Pain meds and was going to a Pain Management Clinic in Syosset, NY, once a month. The kind of meds I am on, require that you be seen once a month and carry a written prescription to your Pharmacy. I messed up the time of my appointment and was 45 minutes late. They refused to see me. I was devastated. I started going through withdrawal from the meds. Life had kicked me in the teeth over and over at that point. I knew how to get a quick remedy for that awful, dreaded feeling and sickness; Heroin.

I'd been clean from it for 9 years almost to the day. I'd fought tooth and nail to stay that way. But a series of events and situations, lies and alibi's changed all that. I first lied to myself thinking that I could do the heroin just for temporary...wrong! My new clinic appointment wasn't for another three weeks. I saw no other way...

I felt the hair on the back of my neck singed off, the flames of hell were so close. He lied to me again, I lied to me again. God help me? In those three short weeks, I worked up an appetite for destruction and when I did finally get my meds back, they were like taking nothing. My plan had backfired so badly and in the wake of destruction, I'd lied and alibied.

By Thanksgiving I'd tried to hang myself 4 times. As I stood on the little chair, each time I would attempt it, I begged God to forgive me, the pain was just too much. I should be dead. It should have worked. Was it Angels which held me up each time as I fought on my tip toe to untie the cord from my neck, almost blacking out? Thank you Sweet Jesus. Yes, I do know how selfish I was. Yes, I do know how wrong it was. Please forgive me Heavenly Father?

The shame and the guilt are so deeply cut into me, I am scourged and the scars are all over me. I must believe that I am forgiven. My Master, please tell me that I might walk by Your side, in Your Light. I beseech you to hold my hand and tell me You still love me? I beg Your forgiveness and I ask that somehow, someway I will know that yes, you have forgiven me? Please my Lord? Amen

Friday, October 17, 2008

Pondering The Passion

Every now and then, I get one of those "Ah ha" moments and had one this morning. It occurred to me as I lay praying, why God would give up His only Son to be crucified? I mean, why did he choose this method of all things to make a point?

It wasn't a choice, ah ha moment or a real brainy one but it was a thought filled one, one which just made perfect sense to me. I mean really, what could God have done to get man's attention on a level he might understand? Really, it might very well be in the direction of understanding or level of man's understanding that God took into consideration? And what I mean by this is I often ponder what or how would it feel if I had to give up any one of my sons?

Mother Mary stood as her son suffered. It is said that she too came close to death simply in bearing the pain and suffering of the act of His crucifixion. I can not imagine her pain. She was human, yet the mother of God and I do take comfort in the fact that it is apparent, that her very faith must have been challenged to be able to let go and trust in the heavenly Father.
"Let go and let God," to the n'th power, huh?

What I mean is that I often question my own faith and I don't know if comfort is the correct word but as I read the Word, the even temporary lack of faith of the disciples, the very men whom witnessed first hand miracles, it helps me to put things into perspective when I might be a Doubting Thomas.

Satan/Guilt, in it's nasty loudness makes us really feel less than, in those moments of doubt and often causes us to question our very own faith. I try to assure myself that even Mary wept for her dying son, even the disciples ran for the high ground.

My ah ha moment, as I said, was not a huge revelation but simply a matter of perspective. I realized that if we were to simplify, if that is possible, what could/would be understood by man it is an understandable situation, one which we could most likely grasp the most. It would have been more prevalent in days gone by but non the less graspable.

It is hard for me to put into words what I am trying to say, this premise of perspective concerning the crucifixion so bear with me;

It is not as prevalent today as it was in the era of Christ, the condition, the life, the very crux of family life and inheritance. In today's world the variables have changed drastically when it comes to what and how we embrace family values and traditions. The days when a boy grew into a man and inherited his family business, real estate, his very inheritance are just about gone. It was almost unheard of for a man to leave his family and not tend to the farm, shop and so on. He was groomed to learn his craft, the family business or how to farm, till the land and make it all work to provide.

It was sewn upon his heart that when he grew to be a man he would take over and inherit. If the parent(s)were still living into their elder years, it was just a known fact, a way of life that you would care for those parents. There certainly were no Nursing Homes to place your aging Mom & Pop, it was just a given that you cared for them yourselves. I highly doubt it was considered a burden either as it is often viewed these days. I dare say; things have changed for the worse.

A man married, raised a family, first hoping/praying that he would have a son to inherit his life, as well and the family craft or business was passed down from generation to generation. This was relevant enough that quite often, if a family had but one son, ailing parents, etc. even the Armed Forces would excuse a man to tend to his family farm, if that man was drafted. So it was a natural response and actual ambition to have many children and again praying that they were boys. This, of course, was especially true back in time when the man would marry and the woman's father would have a dowry, another form of inheritance, wrapped up neatly in the deal. The better the dowry, the better the deal.

The hope of every mother was to give her husband a son, it being the first born who would inherit or run the business. Christ had that inheritance, was that inheritance and was the ultimate sacrifice. It is a study in human understanding, a love and loss, we might be able to grasp. In turn, we are and do inherit, via the cross and that ultimate sacrifice.

It all comes back to the "human" emotion involved in this, the crucifixion and all it entails. We must each take up the cross, an inheritance as well and feel the true and most paramount of this practice each and every day. We must try to understand why God allowed His only Son to die for each of us who do choose to carry that cross and believe in Him. We must delve into this human, most primal of emotion and understanding what it took for our Lord to suffer as He did. We must try to grasp, even in the most kindergarten of manner the full magnitude of His suffering.

Yes, we've all read the story of Christ and His crucifixion. We've probably tried to even envision the suffering. The Passion of the Christ portrays His suffering in gruesome detail and is actually a first to really portray the true prolonged anguish and privation, from the scourging, to when Christ was, prior to being removed from the cross, stabbed just below the ribs, checking to see if he had died yet. The actuality of it all, from the emotion to physicality should be really studied and comprehended. It is quite painful to think of this suffering in it's true form, is it not?

Standing on the faith that the Word of the Father is final, true, right, just and righteous would be all you'd have as foundation. Suffice it to say that I would truly have to literally stand on that faith in order to watch my child, family member, friend or Lord, put through all this to save my soul, (ah yes, my soul) and that of the common man/believer.

Each and every day, I must ask myself if I could carry that cross and am I willing to die for Him???

My Lord and Master, may I, all the days of my life, appreciate what you did for me and mine. I ask you to forgive my sin, as well as the sins of these, my children and family and allow me to walk in Your Light. Give me the strength and wisdom to do Your will. May I be privy to this ultimate sacrifice in understanding and comprehension. I praise Your holy Name. You are my King, the King of all Kings and Lord of Lords. There is no other nor greater God than You. May I remember to serve only You. May I remember on the daily, to pick up my cross and carry it, without fear, trepidation nor complaint, just as You did. Please hear my prayer of repentance? Please help me Lord in my darkest hour and know that I mean these words. Allow them to be more than words but actions in Your Name. My ultimate goal Jesus is to emulate You, to behave more like You. My wish, sweet Lord, is that when they see me, they would say, "Yes, she is a daughter of Christ." Remember my name Heavenly Father, please? Amen