Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My Prayer

Lord, things are a bit quiet right now but I am frightened. I ask for calm reassurance. I ask for wisdom and words when I speak to my Doctor this morning. Help me find the answers, please Lord. This is an ongoing problem that is just not getting any better but in fact is worse.

All through these years when the Doctors have tried to help me they have in fact harmed me. I am afraid of them but they also hold me over a barrel with these medications. I have built up such a tolerance. Why can't they understand and help me with something? Surely I am not the first patient to have gone through this? I loathe being treated as a junkie, especially when the pain is so very real it rules my life. Lord, from this point on, I wish for nothing to rule my life but You. You are The Great Physician and I come to You for counsel. I come to You for help. I come to You and ask that you give me the words and wherewithal to make them understand what is going on and get past the shame which holds me in check. Allow me my Lord to express my true sadness over all this. Let them understand how this puts me in such a dark place, a scary place beyond horror.

I am sad about all this with my little sister as well. I never wanted to hurt her and I have. Now, I suffer the repercussions of it all. I miss out on the love of Ryan. She'll never understand the fact that I gave up so much to come to her aid. To this day, I do believe her as well as my own Mother believe that they were rescuing me. They were not. Yes, we all complain about our jobs, our pain and I had represented mine in conversation. Then it was made clear to me that she could help me get out of my situation if I helped her by coming to live with her. It was made clear also that the only way she could get this promotion she really wanted to take is if she had me there. She would have to travel and be gone, which she was, most of the time and the only way was if I came there. Thinking that I could possibly better myself in some manner, I gave up my independence, my job, my own apartment, paid with my own money. I gave up the title of my job and went from being the Manager of a large Company to being a caregiver and nothing more. But most of all, I let go of a man that loved me more than life. He did anything and everything in his power to make me smile. He wanted to marry me and I loved him so dearly. Yes, he was a simple man with lots of problems but it is so rare to find such unconditional love. I looked for fault and found it, in him. I looked for any easy out, a way to walk away and still be able to look myself in the mirror...but it was at his expense. My Lord, forgive him for killing himself, forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive me for my part in his pain.

She'll never understand how belittled it all became to me and how she made me feel, especially when she threw me out. It stung like no other blow and hurt so deeply that it almost threatened to take my life. Forgive me again, I ask Dear Father for all that I did. I could not see how wrong it all was, all of it. I could not see anything through the blinding pain, emotional and physical pain. But my sister, of all people, even if she hurt me first, is the last person I wanted to hurt.

I was wearing all this pain, guilt, anger and I behaved atrociously. I was selfish but could not see it at the time. I felt I had no other choices. But of course, my Lord, I see that they were there and my lack of faith hid them well, once again.

I suppose my Dear Jesus that there must be a way to make this right, yet I can't see it. I want my sister to know what's really going on, what happened and to understand that I had sacrificed so very much for her. As well, I wanted to please my family by helping her. I made such a mess of it all and it's as if everything I touched turned to mush.

It all weighs so heavily upon me. She is still angry with me and can only see her pain and of course not the pain that she caused, her part in this play of our lives. Show me what I should do? Show me the words to express how deeply sorry I am for hurting her. The things I did are far worse, I realize this. I am more than willing to apologize for what I've done. I do want her, them, my family to understand why I did what I did. I am willing to wear all this but I do want them to understand their part in it all because they were not innocent. And I suppose I was very angry before because they weren't willing to see that part in this design. It has felt as if I have always been that Black Sheep and of course, I just made it all seem rather plausible.

My Lord, you know my heart, you know the depths of my soul. I wish to walk in the Light. I no longer want to be condemned in their eyes as well as Yours. Please forgive me for all I have done. Please allow me to walk in Your Light. Satan has plans for me, I can feel his breath on my neck. Please do not allow me to fall. Forgive me Father, forgive me? Guard me and mine with Your Angels. Steel me with Your righteousness. Cleanse my sin and cover me with Your Blood. Guide my words and give me the wisdom to see the answers. Show me the way, the path which I should walk. I am so lost, help me sweet Jesus? Have mercy upon me?
I praise Your Holy Name. You are the King of all King's, my Master and I am Your daughter. I no longer want to be that Black Sheep but when they see me they should say, "Yes, she is His daughter."

Please Heavenly Father, hear my prayers? Hear my cries of anguish and pain? Hear how sorrowful my soul is. Hear how I beg for your forgiveness? See how I am stumbling in the darkness, lost and alone? See how I can not function in this world as my life, to this point as existed. I can bear this pain no longer and I ask for a reprieve?

Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all the rotten, shameful things I have done? Spare me Lord? I can not live with Your anger, I can barely breathe. Help me, hear me, hold my hand again. I let go, didn't I? I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen

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