Monday, June 23, 2008

Interview With God

Interview With God

I imagine this has been around for some time but it was my first time seeing it. Isn't it nice to be inspired, even with a few words to put life back into perspective?

I spoke to my, soon to be 10 year old granddaughter, Kassandra for the first time in almost 9 years. I was nervous but am more than thankful to hear her meek yet charming voice. Youth, stubborn youth had kept us apart.

Kassandra is my youngest sons first born. Waylon and Amanda were a mere 17 years old when they became parents. They were young and spirited and of course too young to become parents. Need I say more?

When Kassandra was born, I was clean a matter of a month plus, from a long term addiction to opiates. The damage was done though and the focus was not on my clean time but on the things I had done prior to getting clean. I can blame no one but myself for this. All the best intentions in the world, mattered not.

My son Waylon and Amanda grew apart. They fought constantly. At that time, I had answered charges against me in Pa. for Obtaining a Drug by Fraud (I forged a prescription) and was being held, made to stay in Pa. for the duration of my sentence of Probation. I had a little apartment, which I shared with my oldest son, Lee. More often than not, Waylon called it home as well. He and Amanda had been at odds for some time. After Christmas, Amanda had her step-dad drop her and baby Kassandra off to visit us. I welcomed the visit.

Amanda had lived with us before and we had become actually close. Unfortunately, I took her along on drug runs as my addiction clouded my judgment terribly. Yes, Amanda saw way too much but I gave her credit for her spunk and she had so much heart. She was fearless. I considered her as my daughter-in-law and a friend, a close friend. Even though her and my son could be at odds and she was not blameless in their ultimate demise, I always took up for Amanda. Quite actually, I wanted her to be with my son. See, I knew she loved Waylon with all her heart. They say that a boy looks for a girl closest to his Ma to marry. Amanda was so much like me except she was basically a good girl. I not only liked Amanda but I loved her like a daughter. Thus, I encouraged them both to work things out. It was not to be...

My beautiful Grandbaby, Kassandra was born with Cystic Fibrosis. I was incarcerated when she was born on August 4, 1998. I wasn't released until Aug.31st and was not allowed to leave the State of Pa. They'd not diagnosed Kassandra as yet, when I received the call that she was in the hospital, in Jamestown, NY, a half hour drive from the little town of Warren, Pa. where I resided. I snuck up to N.Y. to visit my grandchild for the very first time. I held her in my arms, for the very first time, in a rocking chair, in her hospital room. She was beautiful and it broke my heart, this little baby so sick with an I.V. in her tiny arm. Was it maturity that allowed me to see my own eyes in this little girl? I'd had three sons and never really noticed my own eyes in any of them like I noticed them in her. It was the oddest thing, now that I think of it but it was actually the very first time, maybe an actuality only afforded to Grandmothers?

Kassandra was still little, the very last time I saw her. It was that day when they were dropped off at my apartment. The problem was that when Amanda hopped out of her step-dad's truck, she'd left the baby's meds under the seat. In order for Kassandra to even eat, she'd have to have her Pancreatic Enzymes. At that time, if she didn't have her meds before she ate, she would usually vomit and easily apsirate or get formula/vomit in her lungs causing an easy case of pneumonia. It was a crisis, in my mind. We couldn't get a hold of her step-dad or anybody else for that matter to get those meds brought down to us.

I worked myself into a frenzy as I used the pay phone downstairs, in front of my apartment building. I'd not talked to my ex but found myself, devil may care, calling him for his help. Amanda had more meds at her house and by this time, it seemed an emergency. My ex offered his uninsured, unregistered vehicle. He'd throw some old tags on it and I said I would drive it, on the back roads, all the way to where Amanda lived in Jamestown. My ex rode along, us both worried but unhindered in our quest.

I kissed the baby good bye, outside of Amanda's home. She felt it best to drop them off instead of going with us for the half hour drive back. I think you could have probably cut the stress, in the air with a knife. I imagine I would have opted for staying put, at her home myself as all this had the elements of a horrid scene from a really bad play. It would be the last time I would see my grandbaby...

I guess all things happen for a reason and I do not believe there's any such thing as luck, coincedence or magic but for the life of me, I could never fathom the fact that at that very moment in time, a Chautauqua County Sheriff Dept. Deputy would be coming up the same little traveled back road as myself. I had no license and the car was close to being barely road worthy. I saw him heading towards me on the opposite side and I speeded up trying to get away as I saw him turning around. I took a right turn, on a side street and pulled into a driveway hoping he'd go right past. He didn't and saw me pulling in right behind me. next thing you know, I was arrested and issued 7 tickets. It was off to jail.

My boss bailed me out and I ended up owing him most of my paychecks for several months. Once released, I had to report to Probation and explain to my Officer why I was in N.Y. without permission not to mention the 7 tickets. I never cared too much for this particular probation Officer but even though she gave me hell, she must have had some semblance of understanding as she could've violated me on the spot.

Possibly, I'm not the brightest bulb but if I had to, I mean if that situation was today...I'd do it all again.


Doug and Lori said...

Wow- thanks for sharing Babz. God really has brought you through a lot in your lifetime.

Doug and Lori said...

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you babz!

Babz said...

Lori, thanks so much for being my friend. You have been diligent more so than myself. I am having a hard time, as if I'm driving blind. You pray for me?

The biggest of hugz for you and Doug!