Monday, May 19, 2008
That Small Still Voice
I read a really good post today and left a comment on,
"My Identity as a Harlot."
Sometimes, you know re-reading something before I post a comment, I realize that it just might be that, "Small Still Voice," distinct and loud and clear. Quite often, I have to remind myself of the truth. It's not a convincing factor but simply when God speaks I need to listen.
"The only answer, the only hope is to stay in the Word. I try to feed my soul nightly. I learned this unconventional time to read in Prison, yes, in Prison. I was plagued with nightmares, convictions of my sin. I’d gone to my Prison Pastor and she advised me to read the Word before I went to sleep and it has worked every since. I am not above the same sin as yourself, it is my daily struggle with all you’ve mentioned and addiction. My problem, my realization is that Satan loves to continue to condemn me, even once I have asked for strength and forgiveness. He does his best to make me feel so grimy and unworthy of God’s love that it has and can pull me down. The cool part, is when we become aware of it, the scales fall from our eyes and allow us to see this condemnation. It allows us to see just how badly he’d love to destroy us. Yes, he’s tried to kill me, I see this now. After my 3 1/2 year Prison stint, I can smell evil when it walks in the door. Some would call me delusional for that statement, would they not? After sleeping with the enemy, walking, eating and living with the worst of the worst, those unrepentant and guilty of the most heinous crimes, I have stared true evil in the eye. I recognize it. That’s not to say that I do not have temptation nor am I above reproach. I wish I could say that. What I am saying is that the playing field is more apparent, more transparent and even more appalling. The key to all this is to realize that evil and it’s temptation do exist. It is not some Biblical myth of days gone by. It’s important to note that we must never decide what to believe or not to believe in the Word. Meaning we should never think that the Word in it’s entirety do not apply to today. The mistake we might make, in today’s Christian Society is to downplay it’s inhabitation. Our own demise is to not see it as it really is. Yes, some might call me fanatical in my view? But live my life, see what I have seen, walk in my shoes, eyes wide open and your perception is forever changed. I am in constant Spiritual warfare and it’s an ever present danger. I have been at the foot of the Cross and I was told, personally that He was dieing for my sins, not just everybody else but mine as well. The Oppressor would have me believe that my sin is too great and I am not forgiven. Quite often I have repeat sin, i.e. looking at porn or something less than tasteful. I have my convictions and I will ask for forgiveness and strength to carry on without shame and guilt. Those two words are so big they can kill me. I realize that it is the nature of the Beast to help me in that death, to promote those sins and fear and especially to rub them and other sins, from my past, in this huge smear campaign. I realized this as I walked around the Prison grounds in my prison uniform emblazoned with D.O.C.(Dept. of Corrections)on the back. All things changed when I began to realize the shame game. See, when you go to Prison, you either come out, one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. I became the latter, learned from the experience, gained perspective and was given the gift of “God’s Goggles.” I was able to see things as they truly are/were with special emphasis on just how real, how stupendous but masked the evil is in our every day lives. We don’t wish to see it. I turned that D.O.C. into “Daughter of Christ.” All I can do is try to live my life in remembering this, doing my best to be a better person and learning from my mistakes. I am a repeat offender, a constant sinner. I must continually go to the foot of the cross and remind myself that He did it for me too. From that vantage point, I ask myself two questions; Does He know my name and would I die for Him as He did for me?"