My Lord, I often realize now that you don't give me the answers, you don't always give me what I pray for but most often I notice the calm assurance. Life is so scary but I know you are there to hold my hand. It is me who let go of your hand time and time again and I realize this.
At my darkest hour, I had let go but I believe you knew just how bad it was and you saved me from myself. For this I am eternally grateful. For my behavior, had I been successful, it may have been my deserved eternal damnation. You chose to save me. I praise Your Holy Name!
I realize, I don't deserve to be saved but by your grace, I am and I was. Again, I ask for forgiveness. It is a test of my faith to remind myself that when I asked for your forgiveness, you gave it to me. I know it is Satan trying to bring me down, make me feel bad, fill my heart with guilt. He tried to kill me with all this guilt and pain. He's trying to push me over the edge. It is the gift of wisdom, you have bestowed upon me that allows me to realize this. May I always know your favor.
When I die, I hope and I pray that you do tell them that you know my name. I know you'll probably say, "Oh Barbara, yes I know her. She was a brat and often bad but she has such a good heart. Allow her in." Then, I will sit at your feet and worship you Lord, for all of eternity. I will wash your feet with my joyous tears. Yes, I would rather be your footstool than to dine lavishly, afforded by Satan.I know all this now.
Oh my Heavenly Father, I want to be pleasing in your sight. I do not want to bring you so much shame. For so long, I tried to dine at your table and then the next night dine at Satan's. I realize you are an awesome God but you are a jealous God and you dealt with me harshly. As I sat in Prison for those 3 1/2 years, everything I took for granted, stripped away, I realized that you were teaching me, dealing with me. To be disciplined was not easy and to swallow it all and not be ugly was not easy. It was the most jagged and bitter pill but it was the medicine that healed me. Yes, you are the Great Physician. Now I realize it was and is exactly what I needed. It saved my life but more importantly, that soul that had blackened, my soul, dark and scarred is now healing and becoming pink and good again.
It made perfect sense to me when my Mother told me, "An undisciplined and untrained child is an orphan." I can not find this passage anywhere?
Yes my Lord, it is my goal to be pleasing in your sight. It is my goal, when my name is mentioned and even when I die, for people to say that I was a Disciple of Christ. No, I do not wish for them to remember me when I wore a Department of Corrections uniform, in Prison. In big bold letters, stamped on everything I wore, were the letters, "D.O.C.," but what they didn't realize was it stood for and will always stand for "Disciple of Christ." May they remember me as that woman who represented You. Amen