Wednesday, April 23, 2008

D.O.C.

My Lord, I often realize now that you don't give me the answers, you don't always give me what I pray for but most often I notice the calm assurance. Life is so scary but I know you are there to hold my hand. It is me who let go of your hand time and time again and I realize this.

At my darkest hour, I had let go but I believe you knew just how bad it was and you saved me from myself. For this I am eternally grateful. For my behavior, had I been successful, it may have been my deserved eternal damnation. You chose to save me. I praise Your Holy Name!

I realize, I don't deserve to be saved but by your grace, I am and I was. Again, I ask for forgiveness. It is a test of my faith to remind myself that when I asked for your forgiveness, you gave it to me. I know it is Satan trying to bring me down, make me feel bad, fill my heart with guilt. He tried to kill me with all this guilt and pain. He's trying to push me over the edge. It is the gift of wisdom, you have bestowed upon me that allows me to realize this. May I always know your favor.

When I die, I hope and I pray that you do tell them that you know my name. I know you'll probably say, "Oh Barbara, yes I know her. She was a brat and often bad but she has such a good heart. Allow her in." Then, I will sit at your feet and worship you Lord, for all of eternity. I will wash your feet with my joyous tears. Yes, I would rather be your footstool than to dine lavishly, afforded by Satan.I know all this now.

Oh my Heavenly Father, I want to be pleasing in your sight. I do not want to bring you so much shame. For so long, I tried to dine at your table and then the next night dine at Satan's. I realize you are an awesome God but you are a jealous God and you dealt with me harshly. As I sat in Prison for those 3 1/2 years, everything I took for granted, stripped away, I realized that you were teaching me, dealing with me. To be disciplined was not easy and to swallow it all and not be ugly was not easy. It was the most jagged and bitter pill but it was the medicine that healed me. Yes, you are the Great Physician. Now I realize it was and is exactly what I needed. It saved my life but more importantly, that soul that had blackened, my soul, dark and scarred is now healing and becoming pink and good again.

It made perfect sense to me when my Mother told me, "An undisciplined and untrained child is an orphan." I can not find this passage anywhere?

Yes my Lord, it is my goal to be pleasing in your sight. It is my goal, when my name is mentioned and even when I die, for people to say that I was a Disciple of Christ. No, I do not wish for them to remember me when I wore a Department of Corrections uniform, in Prison. In big bold letters, stamped on everything I wore, were the letters, "D.O.C.," but what they didn't realize was it stood for and will always stand for "Disciple of Christ." May they remember me as that woman who represented You. Amen

Monday, April 07, 2008

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, I've been lost,walking through an abyss. You did deliver me and I am so grateful. I need guidance and direction, my precious Lord. Please show me how to proceed.

Things are so different now. On one hand things are better, on the other, strained. I never meant to hurt my Sister with this move. I've been damned if I do and damned if I don't. There seems to be no happy medium.

If I hurt my Sister, I want to make amends. I've been told I should apologize to her. But other than doing what she pushed me to do, what she insinuated, I don't know what I am to apologize for. I want to be a better person Lord. Show me the way, show me what I am to apologize for. Yes, I can put my pride aside and apologize but I do so want to be genuine in that apology. Thus, take the scales from my eyes so I may see what I've done.

Family is important to me, more important than pride itself. I will apologize but I can't if I don't know what for. Show me the path you want me to take, oh Lord.

In addition, I feel a bit of pain, I am a bit hurt myself. I do realize that I had a hand in my Sisters pain and heartache. I put her through it. When I fell, I fell hard and I pray for forgiveness. But I did apologize then and it was heartfelt, it was genuine and painful. I feel they want blood and will not appease their appetite until they have it all. I do not want to be bitter, nor unforgiving myself. I am not ungrateful, as I was told I am. I was however, quite lost and I hurt so bad it was almost irreconcilable. It almost ended my life. I can not allow anyone or anything to take me there again. I can not allow the guilt to eat me as it was.

You know my heart, sweet Jesus. Show me the way, let me walk in the light. Hold my hand, my old friend, my Lord. I wish to be pleasing in your sight. I want you to know my name and I do not wish to bring you shame. Yes, I do so wish to be a good daughter, one you are not ashamed of. Please help me by imparting the truth on all sides.

Yes my sweet Lord, I no longer wish to be stubborn but to simply understand. Show me the way as I am more than confused.
I ask all this in Jesus' name. Amen