Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I do not know how I came to this resolve, it must have been another "Ah ha" moment of mine? But I got to thinking about tooth decay in this ah ha moment and it's correlation with our Spiritual health.
Countless times, every single day, you will see T.V. commercials about toothpaste. This one talks about "whitening and brightening" while that one talks about it's propensity to fight tooth decay and so on. I doubt I could tally how many times I have watched these commercials through a lifetime of even limited television watching. I bet it's in the thousands.
As well, parents across the nation do our best to teach and remind our children about the importance of every day brushing to prevent that dreaded tooth decay. I'd be willing to bet that they remind their children about brushing their teeth, especially before bed. They might even remember this before they even remember to pray with their children, a habit which has unfortunately decreased, so it seems, throughout these years.
I guess the point is I think that reading the Word is or can be correlated with good dental hygiene; We brush to delay dental decay and we must read the Word every day to protect our souls from Spiritual decay. The more we brush the less likely we are to get cavities. The more we read of the Word the less apt we are to fall prey to moral decay.
More importantly, if we looked at this in the same simple way we do brushing our teeth, our lives would certainly be changed...forever. We must take our moral hygiene as seriously as the outward decay we see and the pain involved with a cavity. The preventive measures we might take if we viewed that moral decay in the same fashion as dental decay and the principles behind this are mind blowing.
With a renewed sense of awareness, especially how we teach and train our children, this simple yet complex premise is something we should all consider and think about. The Word will certainly "whiten and brighten" better than any toothpaste known to man.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I don't think she has even a clue. It's quite possible that she does not realize just how much, how grateful I am for her. When no one else cared, when I'd been, deservedly, kicked to the curb, she still showed me love, unconditional love. She was and is the finest example of a true Christian; Love the sinner, hate the sin. And I know she prayed for me even when I never deserved those prayers or her love. And worst of all, she bore such pain alone. Yes, Teri was my step-mom but all these years later, I see that she has loved me like her own.
My Father, her husband died years ago of Cancer. In the midst of all that was going on at that time, near the death of my Father, I was in a relationship with an extremely abusive man. Long story short, I can not blame him for everything that went wrong in my life and at that time but he led me down the path to hell. I can not blame him for the fact that as my father lay dying, he ran from the situation as he had been close to my Dad. He loved and respected my Father. Amusingly, after he had beat me and blackened my eye, my Father came and put the fear of God into him. He knew that my Father allowed him to live, it was that simple.
He drug me with him and I allowed it. I didn't see that I had a choice. Maybe it was easier to let him tell me what to do, where to go, etc.? But the fact remains that all these years later, as I sometimes grieve for my Daddy, the man who held me close and made everything alright, the man who I know would have died and killed for me, I have the realization that it was Teri who lovingly and with great sacrifice, a sacrifice not known in words, let my Father know it was ok for him to leave. It was Teri who stood by his side, by his death bed. She faced it all alone. I was too immature to accept the finality of it all, too cowardly to look my Father in the eyes as he passed.
I never said good-bye and my last words to my father are not known except that I do remember simply saying that "Dad we are Fighting Irish, remember that." No, I could not accept that this man could die. Hell, he was bigger than life, stronger than steel and even though he wasn't a big man, he was huge to me. He was and will always be my Hero. Hero's don't die, do they? How can a man who I watched run into a burning building and carry out a child, singed but alive, how could he die, this man who carried two guns at all times and was never afraid, who taught me to "face my fears, head on" how could he die?
He had helped me climb the entire length of the fire departments ladder truck telling me, "Don't be afraid, I am right here. Now face your fears," as I climbed and climbed for what seemed like forever. When I finally reached the top, like climbing Mt. Everest, it was almost dusk. He smiled like he had a secret and told me, "Now look how beautiful it is up here. You've faced your fears and look at the reward," and he pointed out at the landscape of the city, lit up and just awesome. I no longer had a fear of heights which, much to his dismay, I was then busted after I'd climbed the water tower behind the yards across the street. Yes, I was in deep poo poo as I tried to get out of it. It was rather difficult to dispel when he pointed out to me, my name so boldly spray painted all over the water tower. But he was secretly smiling the whole time as he scolded me in front of my mother, sending me to my room.
What he taught me about facing my fears, I had applied to everything but his death.
I happily introduced Teri to Jim, that night, so many years ago. Oddly enough, actually, it's not odd at all but I feel that Jim was heaven sent, my own Father picked him to pick of the pieces he left behind in his death. I see now that my Father asked God to intervene on her behalf as she was so devastated at the loss of my Father. It had to have been a rather lonely period of time for Teri. God sent this hand picked fella, who became Teri's husband and father to my brothers, a package deal. Jim has raised my two brothers, Brian and Steven. My brothers have grown up, gone to college and have become productive members of society, guys that I am proud of. I just know that they will be alright, they'll make it. I realize that Teri and Jim's influence made all the difference.
If I never said it before I am so truly grateful that Jim has been there not only to raise my brothers but as a good husband to my Fathers wife. Teri loved my Daddy, took care of him and was there when he died. No, it was not me, who held my Fathers hand and looked into his eyes, lovingly as he took his dying breath. It was Teri, my wonderful, caring and unselfish to a fault, step-mom who bore this alone.
My daddy, even though he was stronger than life, must have been scared when he could no longer breathe but I believe with all the fiber of my being that it was Teri and Jesus that made it alright, that gave my father the calm assurance and permission, that it was ok to go and that we had the faith that all would be well. No, I was not there, a pain I have carried for more than a decade.
Although it may have taken me all these years, you know to mature enough to realize, I do see how much of a blessing Jim has been, it truly is an act of God. Yes, stuck in my own pain, with the loss of my Father and then my own husband and with all that was going on at the time, all the horror that was my life, my mind, my life was so clouded and I could not see.
My Step-Mother, through all these years, has been so supportive. Even in her busy life, you know the dredge of a working mother and wife, she has always managed to creep into my life in my moments of despair. How does she do it? Even this little email gave me hope...
I needed to read this...
We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.
Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
My Lord, I am grateful that they finally listened to me. This pain consumes me and having the meds to help me is primary. Please Lord, take this problem with filling the meds and handle it as I know only you can. I imagine it will certainly make me appreciate them. Right now I am chomping at the bit with worry over this. You are The Great Physician and I know you run that office. Cut through this red tape my Lord. I come to you sweet Jesus and I ask for you help. Forgive my sin and help me. Who might I turn to? You are my God, the King of Kings, my heavenly Father. Take my hand and tell me it will be alright. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like a junkie and I don't like it. Take this shame from me, please and help me Lord, please, I beg you? I praise Your Holy Name. Amen
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Oh Lord, I am so frightened. My world seems so dark. I know that Your Word is the answer. Take away my fear and replace it with calm assurance. Only You my Lord are able to do this. Yes, my world is dark and You are the Light.
Heavenly Father, give me the words and wisdom to attain the answer. Warm this Doctors heart, that he might listen to me and hear my cries of pain. You are the Great Physician, his boss. I ask Lord, that you guide this man in his instruction. I ask dear Lord, that You will give this man the answers that I so badly need.
I believe that You alone have the answers. I believe that You are the answer. Selah
I have begun to take notice. I have begun to understand that You alone govern all things, even the hearts and minds of man. I know without a single doubt that You have the power over all of this, my life, my pain. I have come to a realization that I have tried to do things on my own. This is a dark and desolate place to be. Light my path sweet Jesus. Take my hand and walk with me please. Hear my cries, my desperation. I can not do this alone. Only You, my Master can help me. I plead with You, I implore with You to listen to my prayers.
My prayers to You Heavenly Father are that I might learn from this and use it to Your glory. I beg for a pardon for the many years, a culmination of sin. My sin, my behavior has caused such great pain in my mind, body and soul. As well, I have harmed many because of my sinful and selfish behaviors. Forgive me Father and allow me to rise above it. Do not let this have hold of me any longer. I beg You my precious Lord. To this day, I pay for the consequences of my actions. I also realize that I will continue to pay but if I have Your forgiveness, I may live. My children pay, their children pay for the sins of both the Father and Mother. Forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive them for the wrong they have done because of what I may have taught them. These sins weigh upon me so heavily. I am drowning. Save me Father. I am Your daughter and I ask for Your help now.
This has been a long journey but I have arrived with the realization that You and You alone are the Answer. Allow me to move forward instead of the digress I suffer from now. Allow me in the Autumn of my life some peace and joy again. This can only happen if I know you have forgiven me. I can not go another minute with this sin upon me. Forgive it and allow me to live again. Why do I struggle so with all of this?
Today is important to me, my Lord. I was crazy sick last time. Let this Doctor not concentrate on that or any other matter but to hear my words. Let nothing else matter but to effectively treat my pain, please? Yes, warm his heart to my situation. Give him the answers as You are my Doctor, You are his Superior, You run that office. Why did I not see the importance of coming to You first and foremost? I see now that I was trying to do it all alone, relying on myself.
It was as if I was blind, driving a car. I wreck and wreck and wreck until there is but a shell. I ask You Sweet Sweet Jesus to drive the car. I lean upon You and I ask for wisdom and guidance. I am so very lost. Please take my hand and guide my way. I do believe that You are this Answer, the only Answer, the ultimate Answer and I must learn to seek You first, in all things.
You know my Lord, I have lived my life and learned all things the hard way. This is why it is such an "Ah Ha" moment for me when I do come to the understanding that if I seek you first and include You in all things, I just might do the right thing. I just might see a positive outcome.
Yes, I seek Your face, I seek Your blessings. I have barely made it through this life. I am scarred and scared but I know that if I seek You first, I seek Your blessings and rely only upon You, all will be well.
My Lord, my Master, King of all Kings, I come before You. I kneel at Your feet. I humbly ask for Your forgiveness and for Your blessings on this very day. I ask for Your intervention on my behalf. Please help me, my Lord. Please drive the car, hold my hand and light my way. I am so weak, my mind is muddled and such a mess. Calm my fears, take away this pain. Be my Answer, yes, You and You alone are the only Answer. I praise Your Holy Name. Amen
Thursday, November 13, 2008
My Lord and Master, how can I possibly thank you for making possible the impossible? I recognize the empty file that should have been full, brimming with my history, bad blood, bad deeds. But it was not there, the slate wiped clean. I thank you for the reprieve, a pardon I do not deserve. You are a gracious and loving King and I feel your blessings. That is and was a miracle in itself. I am so thankful and so very aware.
Forgive my sin, Father and allow me the strength to do what I must. I so badly want to walk in Your Light. Give me the wisdom to lead by example, the strength to carry on, carry through. Help me sweet Jesus, I need you now. My family needs you now.
There is an air of dissension and I don't know how to stop it. Let the truth rule, my Lord and allow his heart to be calm, be still in confidence. Let the youngest realize before it is too late that he is flirting with disaster. Keep him safe, please my Lord? I fear for him. Let him begin to understand that all this does not serve him. Let him begin to understand that the measure of a man is not, can not be what he has seen. Let the damage be undone. Let him begin to realize that the measure of a man is not just how hard he works but what he does with his family, the reason he works. He runs because he has such a hard time facing a sick son. He runs because he feels so frustrated, his hands are tied. Allow him to realize that his only answer is to rely on You. The answer lies in his faith because he must know that You and You alone are and will always remain his only hope. Let him begin to see that he must go to You, my King, bow down before you and beg for his sons life. I see how, I see now, how and why you use this child and his sickness. It will be to Your glory, my sweet Lord, will it not? Yes, You are the only answer to his suffering.
Allow the other son to realize that now is the time to man up. Let this be a joyous time, with the news of a baby to be born to my son. He is afraid and he does not know where to turn, what to do. He is stuck. Give me the words, allow me to plant the seeds in his heart that will allow him to proceed, to do the right thing by his family. It is time. Let him work through this self loathing so he might rise above it all, his fear, his shame. It can not go on any longer as it is. I pray that You might spur him on and give him the strength to do what he must. Again, my Master, you are the only answer.
Comfort the oldest. Let him get past his pain, shame and forgive his sin. I plead for his life my Lord. Hear my prayers for this kind and gentle, loving and good hearted son. Forgive him, forgive me if it is wrong. Show me the clear and definitive answer as I continue to give him unconditional love just as he has given me. Let me not encourage what is wrong. Quiet the storms in his heart and mind. Guide and comfort him my Lord God. Let him see as well that You are his answer.
Allow me to be the Matriarch of this family. Thus far, I am failing. Give me strength and wisdom as they lean on me. I pray for these mothers, may they do right by their children, may we break the chain of sinful behaviors. Allow me to remember that they watch me for answers. May I remember that I do not have them but You do.
Lord, it's all culminating, coming to a head and I am so afraid. Give me the words and wisdom for these Doctors to hear me and help me. I feel as if I can not go on like this much longer. Something must give. You are my only hope, my only answer. I praise Your Holy Name my great and powerful King, my Answer. Amen
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I stood at the foot of the cross. I could not even look up, there was such shame. A drop of blood fell upon my face...
My Lord, my Master, please have mercy upon me. I dig my own holes, I know this. I am weak but you are strong. Please hold me up and help me. Please forgive my many sins and let me live. Don't let this get me, please.
Place it upon their hearts to know my intention. Warm their souls to my plight. Please do not allow me to fall over this. I am scared, I am paralyzed with fear. Give me the strength to just get through this.
I believe you know my heart, no, I know you know me. You can see into the dark recesses of my mind, my heart, my very soul and You know how I struggle with this. What a mess. Show me the answer, show me the way. Please do not allow me to fall here. It is so dark, I am so afraid. Hold my hand, please Great and powerful King.
Place it upon her heart and mind that she holds the key to my immediate future. Allow her to know my fear and not condemn me for it but to understand. I am so very afraid. Please my Lord, you know my suffering, you know my pain. I am sick of being sick. I am tired of living this way. Please come to my assistance as I know only You can. You alone, have the power to place this upon her heart, this understanding and need. It is very real, too real, too painful.
You are an awesome God, You are my only God and only You have dominion over all this. Please my merciful Master, come to my assistance. I praise Your Holy Name...
Each new day is wrought with fear. I do not want to live like this. Forgive me and move these stones. Take away the sins of the father and the mother and allow my children to no longer suffer for what we've done. I realize and embrace it all. I am remorseful and I recognize the err. Bless this family and allow them to walk in Your light as well. Forgive them for what they did not know. Forgive them for the things I taught them, forgive us all and begin the blessings. Take away the sickness, manage the mental pain and anguish we all have and let us work through and move past all this garbage.
Forgive my selfish heart? Forgive my addiction? Tell me it will be alright, my Lord? Show me what to do. Give me the wisdom and knowledge to be this Matriarch, the good Mother and Grandmother. Let me lead by example and allow my past to be just that. Please heal me, my Sweet Jesus. Mend this broken soul and erase the black from my heart.
Do not allow him to win. Guard me, my Lord. Place Your Angels around my family, all of us. They attack us, they want to hurt us, they want to break us. Please do not allow it. Mend this family, please? Only You have the power to do all this. I ask all this in Jesus Name. Amen
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The World has one way of assigning and defining Guilt, while, I believe that the Christian overview is different. The very definitions per Merriam-Webster accentuates, what I would call, a worldly definition;
1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty ; broadly : guilty conduct2 a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach3: a feeling of culpability for offenses
So, how does a Christian define "Guilt?" I think it's extremely important to know and understand not only the word but the Word concerning guilt.
As I researched this very word, I found a compelling article on Torah.org
It is written by Rabbi Dovid Hochberg. I did not want to quote it here because of copyrights but it is a really good way of seeking Repentance (Teshuva) and the understanding of guilt.
We must first feel guilt and then hopefully remorse for our transgression. We then seek the Father and repent, praying for absolution, right? But the important part comes shortly after your true repentance, your true heart felt prayers and request from the father to forgive. This last part is what I am having such a hard time with. It is also my revelation...
To sin is the way of the world, the humanity of me. I want to be as far from this as possible yet I find every single day, laying down at night and in my prayers, I am asking for forgiveness. I imagine I am not too different, am I, from your average person, your average sinner? (There was a time when I would have said, "Yes, I am different, I am worse and a heathen." But that is no more, Jesus and I are pals)
This guilt thing has got to go. My guilt can be so heavy, weigh me so far down it can literally make me sick. No, I am not your average person or your average sinner. I am in constant spiritual warfare CONSTANT!!! But I love my Lord and I strive every single day, every waking hour to fight the good fight. It is easy to take the girl off the street. But let me tell ya sister, it ain't easy taking the street off the girl.
The thing is though, I have to remind myself on the daily, every minute that Christ died for MY sins, not just everybody elses. I have to remind myself that when I ask for forgiveness...it's a done deal...move on...get over it. But it's not so easy for me. Satan just loves to remind me of all the filth I did, of every dirty deed, especially when and where it concerns my children. I was not the best mother. My addictions came first and they suffered. God forgive me!
Is is not a test of faith, of everything I know when Satan throws some memory in my face and you can betcha I have a vivid memory, to not be buried in insurmountable guilt? That guilt almost killed me just a year ago. I fell and I fell really hard. I hurt my family, namely my little Sister. I look back and see that my anger towards her and my pain spurred me on to ruin. Yes, anger kills.
The leaves are all around me, the smell of Autumn resonates through my nose. I used to say that every Autumn, I fell in love. It could be with the same man, yes my husband but I would fall in love in the Fall. It is my favorite time of year. But as of late, what do you think is going through my head?
This exact time, last year, I was driving to Brooklyn two or three times a week...
I am on Pain meds and was going to a Pain Management Clinic in Syosset, NY, once a month. The kind of meds I am on, require that you be seen once a month and carry a written prescription to your Pharmacy. I messed up the time of my appointment and was 45 minutes late. They refused to see me. I was devastated. I started going through withdrawal from the meds. Life had kicked me in the teeth over and over at that point. I knew how to get a quick remedy for that awful, dreaded feeling and sickness; Heroin.
I'd been clean from it for 9 years almost to the day. I'd fought tooth and nail to stay that way. But a series of events and situations, lies and alibi's changed all that. I first lied to myself thinking that I could do the heroin just for temporary...wrong! My new clinic appointment wasn't for another three weeks. I saw no other way...
I felt the hair on the back of my neck singed off, the flames of hell were so close. He lied to me again, I lied to me again. God help me? In those three short weeks, I worked up an appetite for destruction and when I did finally get my meds back, they were like taking nothing. My plan had backfired so badly and in the wake of destruction, I'd lied and alibied.
By Thanksgiving I'd tried to hang myself 4 times. As I stood on the little chair, each time I would attempt it, I begged God to forgive me, the pain was just too much. I should be dead. It should have worked. Was it Angels which held me up each time as I fought on my tip toe to untie the cord from my neck, almost blacking out? Thank you Sweet Jesus. Yes, I do know how selfish I was. Yes, I do know how wrong it was. Please forgive me Heavenly Father?
The shame and the guilt are so deeply cut into me, I am scourged and the scars are all over me. I must believe that I am forgiven. My Master, please tell me that I might walk by Your side, in Your Light. I beseech you to hold my hand and tell me You still love me? I beg Your forgiveness and I ask that somehow, someway I will know that yes, you have forgiven me? Please my Lord? Amen
Friday, October 17, 2008
Every now and then, I get one of those "Ah ha" moments and had one this morning. It occurred to me as I lay praying, why God would give up His only Son to be crucified? I mean, why did he choose this method of all things to make a point?
It wasn't a choice, ah ha moment or a real brainy one but it was a thought filled one, one which just made perfect sense to me. I mean really, what could God have done to get man's attention on a level he might understand? Really, it might very well be in the direction of understanding or level of man's understanding that God took into consideration? And what I mean by this is I often ponder what or how would it feel if I had to give up any one of my sons?
Mother Mary stood as her son suffered. It is said that she too came close to death simply in bearing the pain and suffering of the act of His crucifixion. I can not imagine her pain. She was human, yet the mother of God and I do take comfort in the fact that it is apparent, that her very faith must have been challenged to be able to let go and trust in the heavenly Father.
"Let go and let God," to the n'th power, huh?
What I mean is that I often question my own faith and I don't know if comfort is the correct word but as I read the Word, the even temporary lack of faith of the disciples, the very men whom witnessed first hand miracles, it helps me to put things into perspective when I might be a Doubting Thomas.
Satan/Guilt, in it's nasty loudness makes us really feel less than, in those moments of doubt and often causes us to question our very own faith. I try to assure myself that even Mary wept for her dying son, even the disciples ran for the high ground.
My ah ha moment, as I said, was not a huge revelation but simply a matter of perspective. I realized that if we were to simplify, if that is possible, what could/would be understood by man it is an understandable situation, one which we could most likely grasp the most. It would have been more prevalent in days gone by but non the less graspable.
It is hard for me to put into words what I am trying to say, this premise of perspective concerning the crucifixion so bear with me;
It is not as prevalent today as it was in the era of Christ, the condition, the life, the very crux of family life and inheritance. In today's world the variables have changed drastically when it comes to what and how we embrace family values and traditions. The days when a boy grew into a man and inherited his family business, real estate, his very inheritance are just about gone. It was almost unheard of for a man to leave his family and not tend to the farm, shop and so on. He was groomed to learn his craft, the family business or how to farm, till the land and make it all work to provide.
It was sewn upon his heart that when he grew to be a man he would take over and inherit. If the parent(s)were still living into their elder years, it was just a known fact, a way of life that you would care for those parents. There certainly were no Nursing Homes to place your aging Mom & Pop, it was just a given that you cared for them yourselves. I highly doubt it was considered a burden either as it is often viewed these days. I dare say; things have changed for the worse.
A man married, raised a family, first hoping/praying that he would have a son to inherit his life, as well and the family craft or business was passed down from generation to generation. This was relevant enough that quite often, if a family had but one son, ailing parents, etc. even the Armed Forces would excuse a man to tend to his family farm, if that man was drafted. So it was a natural response and actual ambition to have many children and again praying that they were boys. This, of course, was especially true back in time when the man would marry and the woman's father would have a dowry, another form of inheritance, wrapped up neatly in the deal. The better the dowry, the better the deal.
The hope of every mother was to give her husband a son, it being the first born who would inherit or run the business. Christ had that inheritance, was that inheritance and was the ultimate sacrifice. It is a study in human understanding, a love and loss, we might be able to grasp. In turn, we are and do inherit, via the cross and that ultimate sacrifice.
It all comes back to the "human" emotion involved in this, the crucifixion and all it entails. We must each take up the cross, an inheritance as well and feel the true and most paramount of this practice each and every day. We must try to understand why God allowed His only Son to die for each of us who do choose to carry that cross and believe in Him. We must delve into this human, most primal of emotion and understanding what it took for our Lord to suffer as He did. We must try to grasp, even in the most kindergarten of manner the full magnitude of His suffering.
Yes, we've all read the story of Christ and His crucifixion. We've probably tried to even envision the suffering. The Passion of the Christ portrays His suffering in gruesome detail and is actually a first to really portray the true prolonged anguish and privation, from the scourging, to when Christ was, prior to being removed from the cross, stabbed just below the ribs, checking to see if he had died yet. The actuality of it all, from the emotion to physicality should be really studied and comprehended. It is quite painful to think of this suffering in it's true form, is it not?
Standing on the faith that the Word of the Father is final, true, right, just and righteous would be all you'd have as foundation. Suffice it to say that I would truly have to literally stand on that faith in order to watch my child, family member, friend or Lord, put through all this to save my soul, (ah yes, my soul) and that of the common man/believer.
Each and every day, I must ask myself if I could carry that cross and am I willing to die for Him???
My Lord and Master, may I, all the days of my life, appreciate what you did for me and mine. I ask you to forgive my sin, as well as the sins of these, my children and family and allow me to walk in Your Light. Give me the strength and wisdom to do Your will. May I be privy to this ultimate sacrifice in understanding and comprehension. I praise Your holy Name. You are my King, the King of all Kings and Lord of Lords. There is no other nor greater God than You. May I remember to serve only You. May I remember on the daily, to pick up my cross and carry it, without fear, trepidation nor complaint, just as You did. Please hear my prayer of repentance? Please help me Lord in my darkest hour and know that I mean these words. Allow them to be more than words but actions in Your Name. My ultimate goal Jesus is to emulate You, to behave more like You. My wish, sweet Lord, is that when they see me, they would say, "Yes, she is a daughter of Christ." Remember my name Heavenly Father, please? Amen
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Lord, things are a bit quiet right now but I am frightened. I ask for calm reassurance. I ask for wisdom and words when I speak to my Doctor this morning. Help me find the answers, please Lord. This is an ongoing problem that is just not getting any better but in fact is worse.
All through these years when the Doctors have tried to help me they have in fact harmed me. I am afraid of them but they also hold me over a barrel with these medications. I have built up such a tolerance. Why can't they understand and help me with something? Surely I am not the first patient to have gone through this? I loathe being treated as a junkie, especially when the pain is so very real it rules my life. Lord, from this point on, I wish for nothing to rule my life but You. You are The Great Physician and I come to You for counsel. I come to You for help. I come to You and ask that you give me the words and wherewithal to make them understand what is going on and get past the shame which holds me in check. Allow me my Lord to express my true sadness over all this. Let them understand how this puts me in such a dark place, a scary place beyond horror.
I am sad about all this with my little sister as well. I never wanted to hurt her and I have. Now, I suffer the repercussions of it all. I miss out on the love of Ryan. She'll never understand the fact that I gave up so much to come to her aid. To this day, I do believe her as well as my own Mother believe that they were rescuing me. They were not. Yes, we all complain about our jobs, our pain and I had represented mine in conversation. Then it was made clear to me that she could help me get out of my situation if I helped her by coming to live with her. It was made clear also that the only way she could get this promotion she really wanted to take is if she had me there. She would have to travel and be gone, which she was, most of the time and the only way was if I came there. Thinking that I could possibly better myself in some manner, I gave up my independence, my job, my own apartment, paid with my own money. I gave up the title of my job and went from being the Manager of a large Company to being a caregiver and nothing more. But most of all, I let go of a man that loved me more than life. He did anything and everything in his power to make me smile. He wanted to marry me and I loved him so dearly. Yes, he was a simple man with lots of problems but it is so rare to find such unconditional love. I looked for fault and found it, in him. I looked for any easy out, a way to walk away and still be able to look myself in the mirror...but it was at his expense. My Lord, forgive him for killing himself, forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive me for my part in his pain.
She'll never understand how belittled it all became to me and how she made me feel, especially when she threw me out. It stung like no other blow and hurt so deeply that it almost threatened to take my life. Forgive me again, I ask Dear Father for all that I did. I could not see how wrong it all was, all of it. I could not see anything through the blinding pain, emotional and physical pain. But my sister, of all people, even if she hurt me first, is the last person I wanted to hurt.
I was wearing all this pain, guilt, anger and I behaved atrociously. I was selfish but could not see it at the time. I felt I had no other choices. But of course, my Lord, I see that they were there and my lack of faith hid them well, once again.
I suppose my Dear Jesus that there must be a way to make this right, yet I can't see it. I want my sister to know what's really going on, what happened and to understand that I had sacrificed so very much for her. As well, I wanted to please my family by helping her. I made such a mess of it all and it's as if everything I touched turned to mush.
It all weighs so heavily upon me. She is still angry with me and can only see her pain and of course not the pain that she caused, her part in this play of our lives. Show me what I should do? Show me the words to express how deeply sorry I am for hurting her. The things I did are far worse, I realize this. I am more than willing to apologize for what I've done. I do want her, them, my family to understand why I did what I did. I am willing to wear all this but I do want them to understand their part in it all because they were not innocent. And I suppose I was very angry before because they weren't willing to see that part in this design. It has felt as if I have always been that Black Sheep and of course, I just made it all seem rather plausible.
My Lord, you know my heart, you know the depths of my soul. I wish to walk in the Light. I no longer want to be condemned in their eyes as well as Yours. Please forgive me for all I have done. Please allow me to walk in Your Light. Satan has plans for me, I can feel his breath on my neck. Please do not allow me to fall. Forgive me Father, forgive me? Guard me and mine with Your Angels. Steel me with Your righteousness. Cleanse my sin and cover me with Your Blood. Guide my words and give me the wisdom to see the answers. Show me the way, the path which I should walk. I am so lost, help me sweet Jesus? Have mercy upon me?
I praise Your Holy Name. You are the King of all King's, my Master and I am Your daughter. I no longer want to be that Black Sheep but when they see me they should say, "Yes, she is His daughter."
Please Heavenly Father, hear my prayers? Hear my cries of anguish and pain? Hear how sorrowful my soul is. Hear how I beg for your forgiveness? See how I am stumbling in the darkness, lost and alone? See how I can not function in this world as my life, to this point as existed. I can bear this pain no longer and I ask for a reprieve?
Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all the rotten, shameful things I have done? Spare me Lord? I can not live with Your anger, I can barely breathe. Help me, hear me, hold my hand again. I let go, didn't I? I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen
Friday, August 15, 2008
My Lord and Master, forgive my sins and allow me to sit at your feet once again. I pray for your blessings, I pray that you will watch over my children and grandchildren. Lord, I ask that you heal Austen. See my Lord, I believe that You and only You might heal Austen and diminish his suffering. If you choose to sweet Jesus, you might breathe life into their lungs, both Austen as well as Kassandra and take away all that scar tissue. Please minimize their suffering. I pray for your mercy, my Lord. I was too sick to see the err of my ways. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for guidance and if You could hold my hand and walk me down the path which you choose for me. I want you to smile down upon me and mine. Never leave me my Lord. Have grace and mercy upon me all the days of my life. Heavenly Father, allow me enough time to right some of this wrong. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Heavenly Father, hear me groan. Please forgive me? I seek your face. I ask for grace and mercy for my sin. I try to be strong and I fell. Was I being punished when I literally fell? I deserved it and I am sorry. Please help me as I am in so much pain.
My Lord, I know that I repeat my sin, not often but it weighs heavily upon me. I ask for strength to fight the opponent. Give me wisdom to see how he twists things and lies to me. I have learned from this and I do not want to fall again, figuratively and literally. Please forgive me.
Sweet Jesus walk with me again and call me by my name. I can not take your unbridled anger. I can not take this shame. I must be in your light or I will wither and waste away.
Hear my calls for your help, hear my anguish and pain. Allow me to walk in your light again. Allow me to know your forgiveness and mercy. Stay with me in the darkest hour. I beg for Your Spirit to pray with me, to guide me, to show me the way. I am so lost and need your light to find my way back.
You are the Great Physician, give me the tools to find healing. Give instruction to your minions in my repair, Oh Lord. You are my Lord and Master and I shall not want. I come to You for favor. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen
Friday, August 01, 2008
Why do I feel so out of touch. I want to walk in your light. I realize that when I am not within the scope/distance of your light, it is only darkness and I can not see. Help me sweet Jesus. Please help me and help my family. As well, forgive the sins of my children, forgive them for what they do not know.
I plead the blood over my children and theirs, my grandbabies. I ask you to open doors for them, as only you can do. I realize that I have no control over the situation and it makes me worry some. I realize it is a lack of faith to worry as I do. So, I come to you, heavenly Father and ask for your help.
My son Waylon needs to find a safe and affordable home for he and his family. I am truly grateful, my Lord, that you moved mountains, you answered my prayers concerning Waylon. You kept him safe, you gave him back his job and he was able to pay his fines off, such a good thing. Now, his energy, time and money need to apply to getting a home for his family. I am more than grateful that, with every prayer, you have honored and afforded good health for his son, Austen. I am also thankful that you opened that door of opportunity concerning the lawyer to fight for Austen's case. Austen and Kassandra have Cystic Fibrosis, a terrible diagnosis but with your intervention, my Lord, they need never to suffer. I ask that you place your Angels around them. I ask that you heal their scarred lungs and remove the build up of mucous within their system, attributed to this insidious disease. Only you may do this my King and I believe that you are the only reason they remain healthy. I believe that you hear and answer my prayers and I am grateful.
Then, I hope and pray that Waylon will see the problems within his extended family and work on his relationship with his other children. Things are so strained with the relationship with his daughter Jaylynn. Her mother is quite adamant about keeping us all out. She has nothing nice to say about Waylon and says that he is good for nothing. There's always three sides to every story, Hers, His and the Facts. May they both look in the mirror and see the truth. I ask for direction as to how to proceed there. I want a good relationship, I want to know my granddaughter Jaylynn. Please help me, my Lord.
I thank you for the opening of closed doors concerning Waylon's other daughter, Kassandra. She will be 10 on August 4th and it has taken all these years to begin the healing process. It has been a long wait, many years upon years to get to this juncture but I am grateful for any steps forward. Lord, you know that I have prayed, every night of my life for Kassandra to breathe. Once again, you have honoroed my prayers. Show me the way sweet Jesus?
I pray for direction for my other two sons, Lee and Bill. They are so lost. Help them please? May your will be done my Lord. It is the hardest thing for me to let go, close my eyes and have the faith that the things they must go through, those everyday trials and tribulations are a must and I must not interfere or cushion and comfort. My Lord, you know of what I speak/write. Yes, I realize that they must go through such things to round up, round out who they will be. I feel you move through this family with the realization that all things happen for a reason. But it does hurt to see them suffer sweet Jesus. Will you comfort me please?
Satan you will not win, I am the daughter of Jesus!
I wrote about 10 paragraphs after this. It was about my pain concerning my family, especially my sister. I went to copy that part to mail to my sister and it simply disappeared. Was I not to send it? Or was it Satan having his way with me? Show me the way my Lord. He threatens my very existence. Help me please sweet Jesus?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I first got a letter back in October of last year maybe? This girl went through the ultimate betrayal; The molestation by her father. He also allowed his friends to rape her and to this day or as of last writing, they were harassing her after she'd had her father jailed and had been ripped from her home. You can read about it here;
You Hold the Key
I offered her my help from day one. I even gave her my personal phone number and begged her to call me. She never called.
I've received a few letters, not as bad as hers but letters from those in distress, no where to turn, simply looking for some direction. In her case and I'll call her "C" I'd promised to help her if she only told me where she was. She wouldn't and all I had was an email address. I contacted my local Police and they basically said their hands were tied. How shallow and shameful?
After C had taken my advice and called her local authorities, had her father jailed for the abuse and so forth, she'd written and told of being followed, emailed, threatened and was getting phone calls from the men who'd molested her, her fathers friends. I didn't know what to do or how to help, especially if she wouldn't call me or tell me where she was. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me help her?
I contacted my local police department after I'd moved to a new town. I knew many of these Officers personally and begged them for their help. Their hands were tied as well but they did cut to the chase and referred me to the F.B.I. who were as cooperative as possible. The Agent also informed me that her situation was dire at best, if this girl wouldn't share where she was. I mean they couldn't search or whatever you might think simply from an email address. After giving them all the info, I contacted C again and told her that I'd talked to an Agent and she could contact them, they'd be more than happy to help her. C became angry with me and put me on "Notice." She stated that I was not to do anything further.
Again, I still could not comprehend what was going on? I realize now that once your trust in the closest thing to your heart, your daddy, is broken, it has the most profound effect on trusting anyone every again. My frustration poured forth and I was almost angry that she would not allow me to help her. All she had to do was call me or let me know where she was and I would make the calls, do whatever it took to make her safe. No trust.
When things are beyond our reach, out of our control, seemingly unfixable, I realize that I must,
"Let Go & Let God." Why didn't I go to my heavenly Father before now? I was trying to do it all myself. Why didn't I see this before?
I pray for Divine Intervention. I pray that C is safe. I pray for Angels to be placed all around her and no more harm will be done to this little girl. I pray that God will choose to heal her troubled soul. I pray that He steps in and takes control. I pray that the damage done to her impressionable mind will be healed. I pray for her calm assurance. I pray that trustworthy people will find her and release her from this torment as she must be so scared and alone. Yes, my God can do all these things and I wish I'd turned to him before this. I've learned a valuable lesson;
Please pray with me for C
You Hold the Key
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I am more than grateful for all you have bestowed upon me and even more so for the wisdom to see such things, such wonderful situations as gifts. Many times, more than not, I have prayed to you for wisdom and discernment. I do believe you have given these gifts to me on a consistent and daily basis. But most of all, to appreciate the smallest of things, whether monetary, emotional or even a scenario, a chance encounter, a brief interlude or reunion of souls, I have and can enjoy and see the value. I am rich beyond the richest.
My Lord, you have blessed me with the ability to use my empathy to help others. It took quite some time to stop the "poor me's" or even the "why me's" to come to the conclusion that all things happen for a reason. As well, I now know that everything happens for a reason, it is Divine Destiny with no such thing as luck coincidence or magic. When I became this, with the scales fallen from my eyes and I was one who could see, it opened many doors of understanding. It was as if I almost learned the Secret to Life.
Being aware of this, the comprehension of blessings surely allows me to become grateful for even the smallest of things. But I do realize this starts with faith born/based behavior. Sweet Jesus, I thank you for the finite of faith, that faith of a child I have been privy to. It is simple, so very simple in it's complexities.
As I spoke with my oldest Grandson, Lil Bill, I can see why we must have the faith of a child. I can also see that I am charged with making sure this child, on what may seem his lonliest night, knows that he is never ever alone. It eludes me as to why I was speaking to him about it all but I was speaking about application of faith. Me and Lil Bill have talked quite a bit as of late. He thrives on these intimate moments.
I was relating to him, concerning his belief in You, my Lord.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I imagine this has been around for some time but it was my first time seeing it. Isn't it nice to be inspired, even with a few words to put life back into perspective?
I spoke to my, soon to be 10 year old granddaughter, Kassandra for the first time in almost 9 years. I was nervous but am more than thankful to hear her meek yet charming voice. Youth, stubborn youth had kept us apart.
Kassandra is my youngest sons first born. Waylon and Amanda were a mere 17 years old when they became parents. They were young and spirited and of course too young to become parents. Need I say more?
When Kassandra was born, I was clean a matter of a month plus, from a long term addiction to opiates. The damage was done though and the focus was not on my clean time but on the things I had done prior to getting clean. I can blame no one but myself for this. All the best intentions in the world, mattered not.
My son Waylon and Amanda grew apart. They fought constantly. At that time, I had answered charges against me in Pa. for Obtaining a Drug by Fraud (I forged a prescription) and was being held, made to stay in Pa. for the duration of my sentence of Probation. I had a little apartment, which I shared with my oldest son, Lee. More often than not, Waylon called it home as well. He and Amanda had been at odds for some time. After Christmas, Amanda had her step-dad drop her and baby Kassandra off to visit us. I welcomed the visit.
Amanda had lived with us before and we had become actually close. Unfortunately, I took her along on drug runs as my addiction clouded my judgment terribly. Yes, Amanda saw way too much but I gave her credit for her spunk and she had so much heart. She was fearless. I considered her as my daughter-in-law and a friend, a close friend. Even though her and my son could be at odds and she was not blameless in their ultimate demise, I always took up for Amanda. Quite actually, I wanted her to be with my son. See, I knew she loved Waylon with all her heart. They say that a boy looks for a girl closest to his Ma to marry. Amanda was so much like me except she was basically a good girl. I not only liked Amanda but I loved her like a daughter. Thus, I encouraged them both to work things out. It was not to be...
My beautiful Grandbaby, Kassandra was born with Cystic Fibrosis. I was incarcerated when she was born on August 4, 1998. I wasn't released until Aug.31st and was not allowed to leave the State of Pa. They'd not diagnosed Kassandra as yet, when I received the call that she was in the hospital, in Jamestown, NY, a half hour drive from the little town of Warren, Pa. where I resided. I snuck up to N.Y. to visit my grandchild for the very first time. I held her in my arms, for the very first time, in a rocking chair, in her hospital room. She was beautiful and it broke my heart, this little baby so sick with an I.V. in her tiny arm. Was it maturity that allowed me to see my own eyes in this little girl? I'd had three sons and never really noticed my own eyes in any of them like I noticed them in her. It was the oddest thing, now that I think of it but it was actually the very first time, maybe an actuality only afforded to Grandmothers?
Kassandra was still little, the very last time I saw her. It was that day when they were dropped off at my apartment. The problem was that when Amanda hopped out of her step-dad's truck, she'd left the baby's meds under the seat. In order for Kassandra to even eat, she'd have to have her Pancreatic Enzymes. At that time, if she didn't have her meds before she ate, she would usually vomit and easily apsirate or get formula/vomit in her lungs causing an easy case of pneumonia. It was a crisis, in my mind. We couldn't get a hold of her step-dad or anybody else for that matter to get those meds brought down to us.
I worked myself into a frenzy as I used the pay phone downstairs, in front of my apartment building. I'd not talked to my ex but found myself, devil may care, calling him for his help. Amanda had more meds at her house and by this time, it seemed an emergency. My ex offered his uninsured, unregistered vehicle. He'd throw some old tags on it and I said I would drive it, on the back roads, all the way to where Amanda lived in Jamestown. My ex rode along, us both worried but unhindered in our quest.
I kissed the baby good bye, outside of Amanda's home. She felt it best to drop them off instead of going with us for the half hour drive back. I think you could have probably cut the stress, in the air with a knife. I imagine I would have opted for staying put, at her home myself as all this had the elements of a horrid scene from a really bad play. It would be the last time I would see my grandbaby...
I guess all things happen for a reason and I do not believe there's any such thing as luck, coincedence or magic but for the life of me, I could never fathom the fact that at that very moment in time, a Chautauqua County Sheriff Dept. Deputy would be coming up the same little traveled back road as myself. I had no license and the car was close to being barely road worthy. I saw him heading towards me on the opposite side and I speeded up trying to get away as I saw him turning around. I took a right turn, on a side street and pulled into a driveway hoping he'd go right past. He didn't and saw me pulling in right behind me. next thing you know, I was arrested and issued 7 tickets. It was off to jail.
My boss bailed me out and I ended up owing him most of my paychecks for several months. Once released, I had to report to Probation and explain to my Officer why I was in N.Y. without permission not to mention the 7 tickets. I never cared too much for this particular probation Officer but even though she gave me hell, she must have had some semblance of understanding as she could've violated me on the spot.
Possibly, I'm not the brightest bulb but if I had to, I mean if that situation was today...I'd do it all again.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure of her flight. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'. The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'. They kissed and the daughter left. The motherwalked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'. Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'. 'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?'. She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory. I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them. Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends. TAKE TIME TO LIVE... To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH (Courtesy of my good friend Bratlin)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Yes Lord, so much to be grateful for...
My son Waylon, in Iowa has been untouched by all the horrible flooding in his area. I pray for comfort, guidance and quick response to those in need in that area. I can't imagine suddenly having to deal with my home and possessions under water. So much to be thankful for, so many prayers needed. Selah
As well, Waylon's son, Austen who has Cystic Fibrosis has been doing well. He's a little "Tank" as they like to call him. He's gaining weight, eating well and seems to be doing fairly well. I can already tell that he's such a blessing to all around him. Waylon has his old job back and even though he's working 72 hours a week, it's better than not and if he's working it's less time for him to "find trouble" right?
Bill, my middle son is going for a marriage license tomorrow. He will be my first son to marry, his blushing bride, Halena. They'll actually celebrate their 11th year together on the 18th. They're shooting to get hitched on that day, the 18th of June. Believe it or not, it is not Bill who didn't want to get married. No, Halena felt it would change things or alter their relationship, a superstitious unfounded thought process. But Bill has wanted to marry Halena for forever and I do believe he will be happier than a pig in poo, lol. I graciously welcome her to the Moore-O'Dwyer Clan.
Lee has moved from Dubois and is within a 25 minute drive from me. This is a super positive step forward for him. He has had a hard time seeing the forest through the trees but I'm more than willing to hack every tree, if need be, for him to smile again.
I'm loving life when it comes to being surrounded by my kids and grandkids. I spent the early afternoon with my granddaughter, Jessie and her daughter Toryanna. We went to Pizza Hut and had salad.
I pray that sometimes soon, I get to see my youngest son, Waylon and my new grandson Austen. My life would be complete. In the mean time, I can certainly be grateful for these small minuscule moments of love, laughter and family. Thank you, my sweet Lord!
Monday, June 02, 2008
In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.
Although her heart was filled with sadness, she
also had a strong feeling o f determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up
& fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.
The leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son's hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and
wish what you would do with your life?'
Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'
Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'
Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix ..
She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible to give her 6
year-old son a ride around the block
on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, th e whole nine yards!
And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the
emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'
'They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so
we can get them fast.'
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him
from his hospital bed to the waiting hook
and ladder truck.
Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and
help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.
He rode in the differ ent fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and
attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman,
so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible
to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see
the lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?' 'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its l adder up to Billy's third floor open window-------- 16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room.
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him. With his dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'
'Billy, you are, and
the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,'
the chief said
With those words, Billy smiled and said, 'I know, He's been holding my hand all day,
and The angels have been singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.