It took me years to figure out. It took on a life of it's own, this heartache and pain.
I often questioned, "Why me?" Had I not suffered enough? He chose to die on the cross for me. Did He say, "Why Me?"
Tested like Job...
I figured out, that from the moment we are born, we have choices. We have the choice to behave and mind our P's & Q's, be respectful and so on. But I think when it's all said and done, through all the years, it is a choice, of whether or not we will continue to seek the Father. He gave us free will. He tests us, He is the Great Teacher. Life is a set of choices, on that test, just like a multiple choice SAT.
When you're knee deep in your own feces, it's quite difficult to see yourself climbing out. But we are given the choice to do so but we often can't see it. When we are knee deep in it, if we seek the Father and ask for the choices, he will give them to us.
If nothing else, after years of living a tumultuous life, I can look back and see, quite plainly, that I had choices all along. I couldn't see them. I think they were hiding in plain sight. When I did seek the Father, they became evident but when I did things, all by myself, I messed it all up.
I mean I can look back and see, even when I was in my car accident, an accident which changed my entire life, at the age of 18 years old, that I had choices. That night, I chose not to wear my seat belt. After the accident, when I was in pain and fearful, it absorbed me. I blamed God for that accident and I began my run from him. Choices.
I believe he really wants me to rely on him and learn from those mistakes. I do something and can't see my way out of the dark. Even the smallest thing, I need to pray for His light. When I pray for that light, suddenly, I see the doors, that I did not see. It's all about the choice to seek His face.
May I always remember this, my cognitive moment. I praise you Heavenly Father and I ask for your favor, your blessings. I ask to see the choices. I ask for Your light...to guide my way. Amen