Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Day Heaven Cried

The Resting Place

The Day Heaven Cried

This day would be,
like no other before.
For this day they would,
crucify our dear Lord.
Many who had gathered,
would fall down on their knees.
While others would curse him,
as He was nailed to the tree.

Our Lord could of said,
I'll not walk up that hill.
But in our Lord's heart,
he knew that this
was his Fathers will.
This day was meant to be,
it was part of God's plan.
A savior he had sent,
and he would die
for the sins of man.

The pain from the hammer,
could be felt in heaven above.
God's tears did fall,
for his son he so loved.
Our Lord high on a cross,
could feel his Fathers tears.
Yet he knew with each tear that fell,
would bring heaven so near.

Our Lord now sets,
at his Father's right hand.
He made us a promise,
that today still stands.
Your home is waiting,
on streets pure as gold.
When you come through heavens gates,
in my heart your tears I shall hold.

Written By Ken Ferguson

Monday, March 26, 2007

D.O.C.; Disciple of Christ

I suppose the older you get, the sooner death will be knocking at your door. It's like playing a lottery, eventually your number comes up.
What would people say upon my death? Would they recall all the dirt I've done or will the Son shine through? It is the latter that I hope will stick. I do believe upon entering heaven, God will say, "Barbara, yes I know her, let her in." He will then hold me close, tell me He loves me, always did but I certainly was a brat. Thinking in this context, I can also recall a time, in my life that I never thought of death, not really. I could not envision it happening to me. I can also remember thinking that I had plenty of time to repent. Really, I thought like this and I did not see myself wanting to act all "holy" as those Christians did. I felt that becoming a Christian meant that I had to become perfect. I ran from this and felt I could not have any more fun and my life would be so dull. I now know, that it was Satan on my back, filling me with these lies. Becoming a Christian or "Spiritual" as I prefer to call it, is in no way a halt on living. The other thing that bothered me was Satan told me that I had done too much dirt, too many bad things and God had no place for me. I thank, all that is good, that that small still voice of the Spirit, told me that it was all a lie. Lies, Lies, Lies! Satan did his darnedest to destroy me. He charred my soul with drugs, drinking and a heathenistic lifestyle. He would have taken pleasure in me shooting up a bad bag of heroin or overdosing. I know this as fact. I am grateful that, towards the end of my old life, God heard my cries and delivered me from that.
It was within the confines of Prison that I realized I could be me with all my quirks and downtrodden behavior, I just needed to repent and He would begin to heal my blackened heart. Satan still taps my shoulder every day, after all I was a soldier in his army. I was darn good at being bad. I'd rode with the Pagans M.C. and was married to the Chapter President of the Heathens M.C. and in my old life, I'd amassed 7 felonies and 11 misdemeanors. He wants me but the difference is that I can tell when he walks in the room and I know who he is. He can't have me.

When I put on the prison uniform of the convict that had written in big black letters, across my back "D.O.C." which to the guards and the world, stood for Department of Corrections, my new life began. That is not what those letters, meant to me. No, I was safe and forgiven and those letters now stood for, "Disciple of Christ." It's still on my back, in my mind and engraved upon my heart.
When I die, I sure hope people do not mourn but are happy for me and my "Graduation Ceremony." I hope that the Son shines through.

What will people say of you, when you die and will Jesus know you? Will He know your name? Will He deny you, as you may have denied Him? You will not live forever. Don't wait till the 11th hour to repent. You just might die at 10:30!

Friday, March 23, 2007

A Prayer

Heavenly Father, hear my words. I ask for forgiveness, please wipe my slate clean and the slate of my children. Lord, I have done a lot of damage, to my children, my family. I was young and stupid and I lacked faith. I thought I could do it all alone and I didn't NEED you Lord. I was such a fool and I ask for your mercy and grace. I know that a person, who hurts a child, might as well place a millstone around his neck and throw himself in the sea. I ask again, for your forgiveness. I did not realize the true responsibility that Motherhood entailed. I am learning every day just how important, the role of the Mother is. You are the Great Physician, my Lord and I come to you and you only for healing of my family. I repent for all the things I have done to them, for all the wrong things I have taught them. I have ruined their lives and it is beyond all fixing by me. I come to you my sweet Jesus because I know that you may heal me, my children and my family. It is too big for me, it is overwhelming and worse than any plague. I am so sorry for the things I took for granted, the blessings I didn't count.
I know you are there my King. Just as I can not see the wind, you Lord are like the wind. I can not see you but I can feel you. I can not understand the cool breeze on a hot summer day but I have faith in it and I wait for it patiently. I want my faith to be just as that is, I want to expect your spirit upon the wind and I will patiently wait as you mend my sons. I will watch, hope and pray for you to blow through our lives and fix what is broken. I am broken Lord. I am sick with my sins. I grieve over my life. I cry out in pain from the depths of my soul. I ask you, my Lord and Master to heal me and my family. There is no other God, who shall I go to? It is you and I am a lost lamb. Save me my Master and begin the healing of my family. May the sins of the Father and Mother be exonerated. I know you died on the cross for my sins, not just everybody else's. I saw you on the cross and I could not look upon your Holy Face. But it was you Sweet Sweet Jesus. I know that, as I sat at your feet and watched as the blood trickled down, from your nailed feet, I watched it hit the dirt. It was then that I asked myself, could I allow my own son to go what you went through for me? Selfishly, I was grateful that I have never had to go through this as your own mother, Mary went through. But my Lord, I will and would die for you and if ever challenged, I pray that I may glorify your Name.
I have known you since I was a little child. The world tried to stomp out my faith but it is building and I know you are there. That is why I come to you, my Shepard and I ask for a healing of my family. Let the chains of abuse and addiction be broken. When they see us, let your Son shine through. May they know us as your children and may it glorify only You.
A new life, came into my family on March 21, 2007. Another little girl was born out of wedlock to my son and a woman who smoked pot the whole pregnancy. I ask you for forgiveness, for them. Forgive them for what they do not know. Forgive me for not teaching them better than they behave. I stand before you, convicted. I realize just how much I ruined others lives. There are no words to explain how badly I feel. I do not deserve to be forgiven but I ask for your forgiveness, I repent and I ask for healing. I am broken and bound by addiction. I ask for healing. Touch my family, Lord. Heal what I can not. I know you can do this. Seek and ye shall find. I seek you earnestly, Yeshua. You could have allowed me to die at the hands of Heroin but you allowed me to live. Let me right all this wrong. I could have died in that terrible car accident or by the hands of Hep C, as my husband already has. I deserve that death sentence and Prison was too good for me. I ask for you to commute my sentence. I stand before you Father and I ask for the faith to do the right thing with this time you have given me. I want to glorify Your Name and I no longer want to be a thorn in your side. I want to walk in your light and when they see me, they will no I am your daughter. Forgive me and heal me Lord. Forgive my children and heal them. I ask all this in your name, Yeshua Ha'Mashiach, Jesus my Lord, My Savior, my King. I will Let Go and Let God. Praise You Lord!

Count Your Blessings

If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced

the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.

If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Let Go and Let God

A little girl was asked how she learned to skate. She replied, "Oh, by getting up, every time I fell."

I have lived a hard life. I have seen too much and yet, not enough. Of course, all my life I had to learn things the hard way. The harder it happened, the better I learned. But I learned, that's the trick. People would love to throw my past, which I freely disclose, right into my face. It happens all the time. They judge me and in some ways, I can't blame them. If I told you, that I supported my heroin habit by stealing $375 of meat and merchandise a day, so I could turn around and sell it would you trust me? I knew what I was doing was wrong but I turned off the switch, my conscience. It's back on and I answer to a Higher Authority, now. I realize that it is so easy, not to do the right thing and I see people do it everyday. It's easy to twist the truth to suit ourselves and to explain away what is right. I had told myself that I had to steal, just to live. I never went to God during that struggle, until I finally cried out to him, standing on a bridge, ready to jump off. I had run from God and done my best to turn Him off. Even then, He forgave me. He knows my heart and he knew my heart when I cried out from the depths of my soul. He stirred the embers of faith and He picked my broken body, mind and spirit up and carried me right into Prison. Now, that sure wasn't my idea of help at the time. No, no, no, I dont' want to go to Prison. But I was able to get treatment for my Hep C, I was able to get away from an abusive husband and I was kept safe, behind Prison walls, away from drugs and their influence. My children had to become men. My husband had to get clean because nobody was supporting his habit anymore. I was good at enabling people and myself. I had a real criminal mind and forged prescriptions to feed my habit long before the heroin. So, safe behind the walls and Constantine wire of a Maximum State Prison, was just where God wanted me. It was there that my conscience was turned back on and it was there that I was able to understand faith. My faith has sustained me, in the fire I walked through. God held my hand though, I can see that now. So, when I pray now, it is often hard to let go and let God. No, I want things my way and I sure don't want but force my self to pray for His will to be done. I can look back and see His hand on all things and it has only strengthened my faith. He doesn't always give me what I want but he always gives me what I need. What do you need in your life and can you give the reigns to our heavenly Father and let Him take control over your life? Let go and let God!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Walk Tall

He Is Standing Beside You.

In his autobiography, Mahatma Gandhi said that in his days, as a student, in South Africa, he was drawn to Jesus/Yeshua. On one particular Sunday, Gandhi said he decided to go to a Christian Church. He was stopped from entering the Church. He was then told if he wanted to attend services, he would have to go and would be welcome in a Church , reserved for Black people.
Gandhi, did not pursue the matter further.

Look at your life, look hard. Have you run a Gandhi or lesser person off? Have you poisoned anyone's perception of Christianity? I ask myself this? Our words and the way we behave, outside of Church are so important. If you are behaving one way in Church, walk out and behave another, towards your fellow man, you need to take a look at that. Do you behave as you would if Christ Himself were walking down the street with you? Because he is, never forget that.
How you look down upon that homeless person, or that junkie who is ravaged by addiction counts. How you judge your neighbor and his quirky behaviors is how you will be judged. The way you treat that waitress in that restaurant, is another fine reflection. Why not pretend Christ is breaking bread with you, over a fine Spaghetti dinner. How would you treat that waitress then? He is sitting there with you and watching how you treat that girl, with callouses on her feet, trying to etch out a living, just hoping you'll be kind and leave a tip.
He's sitting in a lawn chair, watching you as you snub your neighbor because he's not exactly like you and his house is not as nice. Oh and he doesn't prune his shrubs right.
He's watching as you walk down the street and walk on the other side, so you don't have to look into that bag lady's eyes. You don't want to see that maybe she has no one to love and no one loves her but Jesus.
He sees, as you pass them in night, looking the other way, not wanting to know or feel their pain, yet not wanting to know that they are junkies because they just couldn't deal with life as it was served up. No, it's not right but you are wrong to look down your nose and do nothing but you could pray for them. You don't know their story, you are not willing to walk in their shoes but you can pray over them. Are they drowning out a rape, molestation, sorrow and loss? Pray for them.
That man, who wanders in the night, so cold and all alone, sleeping on that frozen bench, while you sleep so soundly and pray to your God, in the warmth of your humble home, may have served your country. He may have seen far too much and fell into the abyss of alcoholism. I guarantee, he does not choose to be that way. Pray for him. That new couple of color or the family that comes to your church, looking like they are headed to a BBQ, doing a Walmart advertisement, is different, huh? Are you going to judge them or open your arms, just like you would, if Christ was standing beside you? I will say it again, He is standing beside you.
Have you turned away a Gandhi today?

Conduct your life, as if you are always at the foot of the cross...because you are.


“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever

*This is interesting, concerning Gandhi's thoughts on Christ...
Go Here

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Here...Grab Some Faith

If we have faith, we shall fear nothing.

My Mom and I had an email conversation, where she told me, one of her dearest friends had died, recently. She went on to tell me the story;

The friend was in the hospital and he struggled, to breathe, in his final moments. His mouth was wide open, trying to get air. He became still and faint but his mouth was still wide open. His wife, I guess out of an attempt to give him some dignity, tried unsuccessfully to close his mouth for him. He became so very still and she ran for the nurse, knowing it was the end. When the wife, my Mom's friend and the nurse came back, her husband had died. The two of them stood there looking at him. The nurse stated, " in all her time, she had never seen such a big smile." His mouth was closed and he was grinning as if he'd seen the most pleasant thing or person.

Isn't this an affirmation, that our lives are not just a waste of time? Isn't it reassuring to know that we will most likely be with family, greeted upon our death? I liken it to a Graduation Ceremony and really have come to the conclusion...

Dying is so underrated

~Shut Thy Mouth~

I am often convicted, concerning my big mouth. I have come to the realization, that what you say is more important than anything else. Words have the ability to make whole that which is not. They have the ability to heal. They also have the ability to cut and crumble. I am of the realization that I need to be more responsible with what I say. Why do we feel the need to talk constantly, especially out of anger? Sometimes, we just need to shut up. If I stopped talking long enough, I just might hear something, that my heavenly Father wants me to hear. But I often run with my anger and say unsalvagable things. I mean, you can apologize for what you've said but how can you just shake it off, when you've hurt someone's feelings. How can they just shake it off? It's the same as when, in court, the attorney blurts something out. It may be wrongful or damaging to the case? The judge says to the jury, "Jury, disregard that last statement." Can the jury really disregard or forget what was said? I think not. They may be able to use the power to deduce and put the statement into perspective and try to be unbiased but they've been tainted by the statement. I do not want to taint people any longer and I pray that God gives me the strength to listen instead of talking. I pray for wisdom as I no longer want to hurt people or hinder their growth, especially my children. I have done a lot of damage to my children. I have said a lot that was wrong and taught them so many bad things and habits. I want the healing for my family. I want them to hear the Lord too. He is like the wind, I know, I can not see Him but I sure can feel Him. I praise Him for the forgivness he has readily given. I am a hopeless sinner, lost in a nasty world. I ask for strength to endure and speak only His will, from this day forward. Amen

Saturday, March 10, 2007

~Points To Ponder~

I received this via email. It's touching. Copy and send it to someone you love. Don't think you or they will live forever. Say what needs to be!
¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\

```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

One day someone's mother died.

And on that clear, cold morning,
in the warmth of h er bedroom,

the daughter was struck with
the pain of learning that sometimes
There isn't any more.

No more hugs,

no more lucky moments to celebrate together,

no more phone calls just to chat,

No more "just one minute."

Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away.

never to return before we can say good-bye,

Say "I Love You."

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

So while we have it . . it's best we love it .
And care for it and fix it when it's broken .
and take good care of it when it's sick.

This is true for marriage
.... and friendships ..

And children with bad report cards;

And dogs with bad hips;

And aging parents and grandparents.

We keep them because they are worth it,

Because we cherish them!

¸....¸ __/ /\____

,·´º o`· ,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~· ~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

Some things we keep --

like a best friend who moved away

or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that

us happy, No matter what.

¸..¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

Life is important,

and so are the people we know .
And so, we keep them close!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸ ,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

I recei ved this from someone today

who thought I was a 'KEEPER'!

Then I sent It to the people
Think of in the same way!

Now it's your turn to send this to all those people

Are "keepers" in your life!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `° ²·-. :º°

Thank you very much
For being a special part of MY Life!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. °

are a Keeper!

"Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in awhile,
you could miss it."
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

Saturday, March 03, 2007

You've Got A Friend

The post, prior to this one, really made me think. There were six of us, who went through the Interferon treatment for Hep C. I became close to several of these girls. Two these girls had Hep C and HIV. Now, how awful is that? We were in the first group of women, to receive treatment in the State Correctional Facility; Prison. My friend Lisa and I started at the same time. We walked through the fire together. We both worked the whole time and complained to each other, just how bad the hardship of enduring this whole treatment in prison, actually was. Lisa was also a Heroin addict, like myself. We both enrolled in the "In House," rehab, a six month sequestered addiction counseling program. I dug in and took it as a life and death situation. It actually was, just that, as I am certain, I would have died from the heroin or the crime and life that went with that addiction. I studied hard, took it very seriously and became closer and closer to my higher power, God. I now realize, that this was an opportunity, not given to everybody. At the time, you could not have persuaded me, that this was all for my own good. No, I was walking on hot coals, breathing sulfur, in the pits of hell.
You come out of Prison, one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. I was the latter and better for the experience, for the most part. But this Interferon, coursing through my system, felt like it was killing me. I was so sick. I could hardly hold my head up, as my white blood cell count plummeted and my hair fell out. I became very angry and could only feel for myself. They threatened to take me off the treatment, if I didn't eat, get my weight up and my white count. I knew that I would have gone through all that for nothing, if they discontinued the treatment. I'd already seen my husband, die from Hep C, back in 1989 and it wasn't pleasant. I wanted this treatment to work. I prayed and asked for the strength to get through this. God heard me and after six months, my blood work came back better and my viral load was undetectable. I rejoiced, a little. I was still sick, tired, disgusted and truly hated where I was. Yes, there is good in prison but you can bet, you'll meet a lot of evil people. At the time, it was hard to endure but Jesus held my hand and walked me through the fire.
I was cleared to discontinue the treatment, successfully. Lisa, was not so fortunate. Her viral load was in the millions. She also folded under the pressure and intense setting of the Rehab Program and dropped out. At the time, I really didn't feel for her. I felt she didn't try hard enough. I was judgmental and didn't have the compassion or empathy, befitting someone, who has the weight of impending sickness and death, looming over them. I do now.
I pray for Lisa. I ask the Heavenly Father to show her the way, to administer healing, after all, He is the Great Physician. I ask, that he hold her hand and that she would be comforted by His presence. My God, is an awesome God and Lisa is a lost lamb. Jesus will find her and comfort her in this storm of a life. I believe that my prayers alone will be heard and my faith dictates that Jesus, the Shepard that He is, knows she is lost and dieing. May our Lord, show her mercy, may her faith be strengthened, come what may. I will try, continue to understand, all that you have taught me, my sweet Jesus, all the reasoning behind it. I will do my best to remain humble and have faith, that all things, are in your hands, my Lord. I ask for mercy, for Lisa and I ask for healing. She is lost, my Lord. Please find her. I ask all this, in Jesus/Yeshua's name. Amen

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Repost; Lay It At The Foot Of The Cross

I have reposted this, as a reminder to myself, just how far I've come. With God's grace and mercy, I live. My Hepatitis has been in remission...all this time. God is good, every day, in every way. I could not get medical treatment as I had no insurance. I made too much to qualify for state Medicaid. I was sick and stuck. I had to work, yet I was so sick, I often had to literally push myself. God showed me mercy when he placed me safely behind bars. Within one month of my incarceration, I was receiving treatment, Interferon, for my Hepatitis C. Christ/Yeshua, held my hand, the entire time. Thank you...Sweet Jesus!

Psalm 38-39

I was so hurt, so struck down, so sick because of my sin. As I lay in my top bunk in my prison cell, my mind and my body were torn inside out. I'd arrived at the State Correctional Facility at Muncy, Pa. on January 5, 2000. It was an awful day and a horrid time in my life. By February 6th, the day after my 40th birthday, the prison started me on Interferon treatment, shots in the stomach and 3 pills a day of Ribiviron to treat my Hepatitis C. As the medicine coursed through me, it made me sicker and sicker. Prison is no place to be sick. There is no sympathy and certainly no leeway. They just don't care. Then February 8th, my Grandpa Bill died. He was the one person in the entire world, that I respected the most and the one person I wanted to make happy.Grandpa was a stern man but when I did wrong, he'd say in his low baritone voice, almost a whisper,"Barbara, you know you can do better." And when I doubted myself and I always did, Grandpa would always say,"Barbara you know you can do it." I was so sick, I couldn't even cry, yet my world was falling apart. Prison is no place for tears either. People don't want to hear your annoying sobbing, so I didn't cry. I held it in along with everything else. My only possessions were a bible and a picture of Grandpa. I placed both neatly on the metal shelf that was my spot. On top of the bible I placed Grandpa's picture. The day after he died I was called to the Psychology Dept. for my first session with Dr. Wood, a very nice woman who really wanted to make sure I wasn't suicidal, as one of the apparent symptoms of this Interferon treatment was suicidal tendencies. Although, at that point in time, I wished I was dead, I didn't tell her that and was simple in my answers. She said, "But Barbara, what are you doing with all these emotions, I'm concerned?" I looked her straight in the eye and said,"I'm doing what my Grandpa told me to do, I'm laying them at the foot of the cross." I handed her my pass to sign and walked out. When I was secured back in my cell and had climbed back up on my bunk, I noticed that the picture of my Grandpa was gone. I jumped down and questioned the three other girls as to what they did with my picture. I looked under the shelf, I looked everywhere. The bible had been placed, standing up, facing in just as you would put a library book in with other books. The picture of Grandpa was placed horizontally on top of the bible. I felt I could take no more and I grabbed my bible and feebly climbed back up on my bunk. My soul was crying out, my pores were reeking of sin but I could only go to the Father and tell him that I deserved to be where I was, to please forgive me and take this pain, the weight of all my sin away from me. As I sat in a heap on my bunk. I opened my bible and there was Grandpa's picture. How it got there to this day I do not know but it was placed between Psalms 38 and 39. Read it, Psalm 38 again, it described me and 39 spoke to me. During my 3 1/2 years of incarceration, I read those Psalms over and over and still do. Thank you Grandpa. I am grateful for the wisdom you imparted and the seeds you planted. That and Yeshua holding my hand, brought me through the fire.