Saturday, February 25, 2006

MY HEART IS SCORGED


My granddaughter who've I've not seen since shortly after she was born, has Cystic Fibrosis. Kassandra Lynn Moore was born on August 4,1998 while I was in jail. I saw her shortly after I got out, in critical condition. They soon transferred her to Children's Hospital, where they were finally able to diagnose her. I went there and watched as she fought for air in a croop tent. It was a huge clear plastic tent that completely covered her and oxygen was pumped in but this is before they had made the final diagnosis. She moved her head back and forth trying to find the air she so desperatly needed. But she recognized her fathers voice. My youngest son Waylon was a mere 17 years old when he and Amanda, also 17 had this beautiful little girl, my first grandbaby. Waylon would stick his face right up against the plastic of Kassandra's little tent and call out to her,"Chubby, Chubby," his nickname for his first born. She would simply stop flailing her head and focus on him and smile. But she couldn't breathe and would go back to fighting for air. Thankfully not long after, these Doctor's after doing a salt test and other tests were able to figure out what was wrong. Cystic Fibrosis clogs the lungs with thick mucous which if not loosened will actually suffocate the child. They then had to pound on this poor little baby with a rubber cup,on her front and back to loosen the mucous. It was so horrendous to watch, it is the only thing that makes me cry even today as I write this. She also so a pancreatic enzyme disorder that goes hand in hand with this disease. Have the sins of the father visited the daughter?
Young love such as their's rarely lasts and they quickly outgrew each other and things got ugly. Amanda knew I was a heroin addict but what she didn't know was that when I got out of jail Aug.31,1998, I'd already kicked heroin,by the grace of God and never did it again. But I,along with my son, Waylon had poisoned her image of us and she made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with either one of us. I hear through the grapevine that Amanda is with someone else supposedly an hispanic guy who sells crack and they've had a child of their own. Kassandra, from what I'm told is a resented piece from Amanda's past, a past with a boy named Waylon, my flesh and blood. What to do?
I often cannot breathe myself, in fact almost everyday I suffer with this. It may be from the anxiety disorder I've been diagnosed with. It may be because Of my Thoracic Outlet Syndrome where the Doctors took the 1st rib and an abnormally large rib that was grown into my lungs and removed them along with the lung tissue attached. They moved the subclavian artery and the nerve, sewed me up and sent me on my way. It often feels like a weight is set upon my chest. I think of Kassandra then. Is she struggling to breathe and it often becomes so painful to think about that I run from it, it cuts that deep. My heart is scourged. Selah
I ask for your prayers, if you read this. I believe in divine intervention and I believe in the Angels who must be there for this little girl, my grandbaby with MY eyes. I ask a simple prayer of healing, in all respects of this terrible situation. I ask for a healing and warmth of Amanda's spirit, warm her heart, allow her to forgive us. But most of all I ask for prayer for Kassandra, an innocent child, who is paying for the sins of her father. Waylon is a kind soul and has grown up so much. He is at this very moment in time seeking wisdom and guidance from our heavenly Father. He stated to me today that his life must change and a guy gave him a tape, "Covered in the Blood." It came at a time when he needed it the most. See it's the little miracles that are sometimes the biggest. I pray for the healing of my family, all my sons and ask God to forgive me for the wrong I did to my to my sons. They too have paid for the sins of their father AND mother, drug addicts. My heart is scourged. Selah
I pray that my children and their children can be spared any more pain caused by me. I believe that with God, all things are possible. May we all listen and recognize the voice of our Heavenly Father just as Kassandra stopped and listened to her fathers voice. May we listen and hear. May we be comforted. May we be forgiven. I ask all this in Yeshua's name. Amen

2 comments:

Karen Mojo said...

My thoughts are with you. May god look over you and keep you safe.

Babsbitchin said...

MoJo, God bless ya sister from Scotland!