My Prayer

My Lord and Master, please hear my prayers. Forgive my sins and know that I am trying to be a better woman, a better Matriarch to this family. Give me strength, guidance and direction. I am rather lost and the fear inside, well, I know it is not natural. I welcome Your calm assurance. I'll welcome you to hold my hand sweet Jesus.

Today I go to the Doctor and hear my test results. Your will be done as always but I plead for Your tender mercies. I know that I deserve the pain and anguish which I have brought upon myself. But dear Jesus you know my heart and that I mean well. You know I need to try harder and that is why I ask for strength and guidance.

Please be merciful and speak to my Doctors heart. I want to break this situation and I ask for the Holy Spirit to minister to me on the daily so that I might live right. Yes, that is the truth of the matter; I am weak and You are strong. Please hold me up and give me the backbone to not only think before I do but realize the repercussions of my actions.

I pray you'll place Your Angels at the side of all my children as well as their children. They are all precious to me and such a wonderful gift, my Lord. Allow me to live long enough to make things right and spur me on to do the right things as well as teach better habits. Allow me to remember that these children are all gifts and must be raised knowing You, knowing they are not alone and that they need only to seek You in all aspects of their lives.

I ask for special considerations today my Holy Redeemer. Please pardon my inconsistencies and have mercy upon my soul. Nothing good will come from the things I have allowed. Let it impact me in my mind but please do not allow me to suffer as it will affect those around me. They count on me so and I need to remember this.

I'll welcome You to hold my hand today. My very soul is shaking. Please minister to my soul. I praise Your Holy Name.

I walk in circles, much of the day in fear, that unnatural, unhealthy fear. Some would call it mental health issues. I call it unnatural fear because I have nothing to fear but You, my heavenly Father. I respect, fear and fall on my face. I am not nor will I ever be righteous enough to look You in the face. But all my life, I have sought You my Lord and I do so hope that one day You will allow me to feel Your warm and loving breath upon my face.

My sweet sweet Jesus, I am so very grateful for the blessings of today. You are a merciful Master, a truly loving Father. You took into consideration the true nature of my heart. I am trying, you know this. I've come a long way but still have a long way to go. I pray you'll guide me the rest of the way so that the time I have left will be productive and to Your glory.

Heavenly and gracious Lord I ask that You will heal my grandbabies, especially Austen. He is such a sprite but loving child who suffers so. You have the power and I have the faith that if you chose so, he will be healed. May it all be to Your glory magnificent Master.

It hurts my heart to the point of breaking to worry and wonder about the care of all my grandbabies. I ask You to place Your Angels all along their way. Allow them not to stumble or fall. I ask also that You'll guard my children and the mothers of all these, my grandbabies. This is a fearful world my Lord, let it not devour us. Let it not rule us and allow me time to make things right and to leave a legacy to Your glory and Your glory alone.

I praise Your my sweet Lord. Your death on the cross, may it not be in vain where I am concerned. I pray you'll know my name and the intention of my heart. There is no god before You as You are the one true God, my God and I sing Your praises. Amen and Amen

Jesus Is The Wind

PROVERBS 22:6 NKJ
6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

God expects parents to raise their children to serve Him. Parents will answer to God for every child He entrusts to their care.

It weighs somewhat heavy upon my heart if I have planted enough seeds of wisdom in my children. I mean, there's a fine line between having religion forced down your throat as I was as a child. I never wanted to bring up my boys in or with the fire and brimstone mentality. That sort of thinking scared the living daylights out of as a child.

As well, I was raised a Catholic, up to the point of my early teens and then suddenly, my parents changed up their beliefs and doctrine. We then became "Born Again" which I have no problem with but my eclectic upbringing has caused me to be mindful of forced religion and the hang-ups that go right along with it.

At the same time, I pray that I will have enough time left on this earth to plant more seeds, seeds of faith. I want my children and grand children to know, long after I am gone, that even though I am not there with them, I await there arrival at Heaven's Gate. I also want to impart upon them that, yet again, even though I am gone, they are never ever alone.

Jesus is with them always. Jesus is just like the air we breathe, the wind that blows our hair, we can not actually see that air moving the leaves on the trees but we see the movement and we know, never questioning or worrying that we will have that air, that wind. We can not live or survive literally as well as figuratively without Him.

Our Lord moves through our lives just like the wind, surrounding us, fulfilling and omnipresent.

My Prayer

Oh gracious and Heavenly Host hear my prayers, forgive my sins as well as the sins of my children. I give You thanks and praise and I am eternally grateful for Your presence in my life and the lives of my children. I ask that You stay close. I ask that You place Your Angels at the foot of my grandbabies beds. I also ask for Your Angels to stand guard over my entire family. Please heal our family, my Lord, my God.

You have brought me this far for a reason. Allow me the time to plant the seeds I am meant to sow. Give me the wisdom, strength and words to impart Your presence within our family.

You are an awesome God and I truly thank You for the many many blessings bestowed upon us. May my children know You as well as worship Your Name. I ask for Your continued presence amongst us, to guide us all and keep us safe.

My faith dictates calm assurance but quite often I have such anxiety. Calm the storm, my sweet sweet Jesus. As well, I have been charged with leading this family, I am the Matriarch. I have failed in so many ways, in the past. Forgive my transgressions and allow me to learn from these many mistakes. Allow them to make me stronger. The urgency is there to plant these seeds.

Yes my Lord, there is urgency to get this book done too. I ask for Your help. I want it to be to the glory of Your Name. A testament of Your awesome power. I also ask for the wisdom and words to help the many souls that write to us for help. No easy task, allow our words to never hinder but to help.

I do not take my position lightly and sometimes it is quite overwhelming. Give me that calm assurance, I ask of You my Heavenly Father. Give me time to finish what I started. Give me a heightened sense of awareness, an understanding as well as forthright knowledge as to just how words can cut like a double edged sword. Yes, there is such power in words. Allow mine, my words, to be from the Father only, never of my own fruition.

Yes Yes my Sweet Jesus, I pray You will know my name. I pray You will hold my hand and walk me through this life. Instill in me the innate ability to hear Your voice and Your voice only. Drown out all the noise in my head but Your Word.

I am so very grateful my Lord. I am grateful that for the most part, I have my health as well do my children and grandchildren. I ask for Your continued blessings. I plead the Blood of Jesus upon me and mine, all of us...Your Children.

I ask all this in Your Name, my Lord Jesus. Praise You, Thank You. Amen & Amen

My Prayer

My Lord & Master,

Please forgive my sins and hear my prayers? I must trust in you, my Heavenly Host. I know this much but I have mixed feelings when it comes to my faith.

Sometimes even when I want to believe in something, namely that all will be well because you have the reigns, I will have the now famous "trepidation, fear and anxiety" because I do not know if it will be another lesson I must learn, another hardship I must endure or maybe even I must "pay" for something I've done in the past.

So I pray for wisdom to decipher this journey. I pray for strength so I might lead my family. Thus far, I've done a pretty lousy job. Will you forgive me, my Lord?

Show me the way sweet sweet Jesus? I believe it is you that gets me through the night. I believe it is you that keeps them at bay? And I pray for your continued support.

I notice that my children are basically healthy compared to others and their pain. For this I am eternally grateful. I ask to not be tested there, a category I can not bear.

Heavenly Father, I am repentant and yet my sins are still thrown in my face. Where my family is concerned, I ask for you to show me the way to go, the road to walk down in order to heal. I do not want this anger that wells inside of me. I do not like to entertain these thoughts and I pray that you'll show me what and how to do it.

Sweet Lord, I'll continually pray for You to place Your Angels amongst all my babies, to keep them safe and secure. I pray this in earnest and fervor. Sometimes it is even hard to get the words out to even pray. But You know my heart, I do believe. And my heart speaks the volumes that I sometimes can not. Hear my heart, heal my heart, oh Lord.

I thank You for all the many blessings. I have not gone without a meal nor have I run in the street naked. I have had shelter and a warm bed for some time. These things we often take for granted. But in the still of the night, when the call of the wild comes in, it is You that I seek refuge in. I ask You for Your continued favor. I ask You, sweet Jesus to hear my prayers and to heal my family.

In Jesus Name, I ask all of this. Amen

Black Sheep

This blog was designed so that I might put in B&W, all that I am grateful for in this life. It went on to be the main page where I pray too.

You'd think it a private matter, prayers but one thing I do know for sure is that I have no skeletons in my closet, yes it is all here for the world to see. Now that's not why I do it by any means. But it's certain that I can see , just as you might in a journal, all that is my life.

These pages are filled with good thoughts, worship and praise for our dear Lord. It is also a testament to my pain. And if you were to read some of the entries here, you just might be appalled as well as disturbed. Such is my life.

It is personal growth that these pages reveal. Along with the little bursts of gratitude, there's a lot of pain, mixed emotion and prayers for forgiveness amongst the pages.

What is brutally transparent to me, if nothing else, if I were to go back and read some of my past posts, is that I am in a constant state of Spiritual battle. For me though, this has been all my life, even since I was a toddler. Why does Satan want me so badly?

Right here and right now, I pray;

That my Lord of Lord's will choose to have mercy upon me. I ask for forgiveness for all that I have done to hurt my family, especially my own children. Quite often, I have not played the cards I was dealt with a sturdy hand. Wisdom eluded me. More often than not, I have been weak and searched most diligently for any and all means of escape. But early on, it is something I learned, mainly the Drugs that help shut up the mess in my head as well as the pain that wracks my body every single minute of the day.

All my life I've struggled to just live and early on I was kicked in the teeth. My own family, specifically my own Mother threw me out at the age of 14 because I did not fit into the square peg she kept trying to push me in to. I was sacrificed for her own gold digging plan.

Sadly I admit, here I am, 50 years old and I can not move on from all that was done to me. So my Lord, I ask for strength and guidance and for you to deliver from all of this. Allow me to rise above and right my wrongs. Give me time to make things happen.

Let not my legacy be that of a ex-con, ex-heroin abuser, addict, thief, yada yada yada but of a woman that cared so much it was painful. It hurts my Lord, especially because my hands are tied. I ask for your deliverance. I ask for your healing hand to be laid upon my heart, mind, soul.

There is such great need to heal my family too. My own children still suffer because of me and it's so hard to live with. Please help them and forgive the sins of the father as well as the mother. Their father has been gone a long time, since they were all little. Because of my weaknesses, because of my poor choices, my sons were all exposed and taught so many wrong things. I ask for your help in righting these wrongs. I ask for Your patience, my Lord. Heal this family?

And so it is that I am the Black Sheep again. They call themselves Christians and yet even though I sought their forgiveness, even though I was truly repentant, it does not matter to them. They have kicked me while I was down, again and again, actually, all my life. The example they have shown me is that if I am not at their beck and call and not doing what they want to help them, they want nothing to do with me or my children.

My Heavenly Father, how do I decipher what is right and what is wrong when they carry your Name, your banner and they represent you? How do I know, what shall I do?

The sad part of all this is that I do not believe they can see their own err. I do not believe they are capable of empathy or understanding. And yet they discard me so easily. How do I keep from becoming angry and striking out as I so badly want to do?
I ask for Your divine wisdom and instruction, my Lord. I ask that you show me what to do. I am so beyond stuck on this.

I do so want to thank you my sweet Jesus for your hasty healing of my grandson, Austin. He is feeling so much better. As well, I am so truly grateful for all of my grandbabies. This new baby, Jaxon, my lil Bumby is such a true joy. He is beginning to coo, smile and even giggle. I've never seen such a truly wonderful baby, not ever. He might fuss and instinctively, I'll check his diaper. As soon as I take that diaper off of him, he is just so evidently grateful as he smiles. Now, that's the kind of attitude of gratitude I aspire to. He is such a charmer, oh my and I am utterly grateful for him as well as the opportunity to be with him. I thank you my Lord!

Sweet Jesus, hear my prayers and my request for your continued blessings for my family. Place Your Angels around them as I know you have for so very long. I bet you've got a really fast Angel just to keep up with Waylon, huh? I praise You & give You Thanks. You are truly an awesome God. I ask all this in Jesus' Name. Amen & Amen

My Prayer

Although I try to smile, I am crying and dieing inside. I am bound by my pain, my Lord and I ask for your divine intervention. And I thank you for all of these blessings, these mini miracles. Yes, I do see them as mini miracles. I praise you for your wisdom and weight in all matters.

My pain is nothing compared to some. The woman who was raped by six boys/men in Dunbar Village/Florida, well, I pray for her healing as well as her sons. How absolutely horrific! Yes, six succumbed to the hype that is gang life, behavior and follow the leader mentality. Because of all this, for the half hour of heinous behavior, because some boys had a distinct misunderstanding of what manhood represents, their lives will be forever ruined. Their families lives, their poor Mothers lives forever ruined.

Lord, I pray for their mothers. I pray for Justice but for blessings, even in disguise might come from this. How, in the name of such awfulness can we see any blessing? We must for if we do not Satan will have won once again in this scourge against humanity. And I do believe it is Satan in all his folly directing, orchestrating, leading this madness.

We have a right to choose. We have a right to say no but Satan fills their/our heads with lies. Then it is he who laughs as they administer the sentence or their death penalty cocktail. There are no winners in that.

The sidelines will be full for those calling for their blood as their mothers weep tears filled with such burden, such pain. Is there any condolence for these mothers? Is there any reprieve from such?

The very fact that I do believe in the power of prayer, even from the likes of me, someone they have no idea of, they do not even know me or of me but I do pray. I will pray for the victims and they are all victims of such vile hatred, even the accused. I pray for peace that which they may not know. I pray for their calm assurance and for healing.

Lord, I seek your face, I seek your forgiveness, myself. Forgive me for the instant of hatred that I felt as I watched the testimony of the youngest of the Dunbar Six as well as the others. May they know Justice and be reigned in, knocked to their senseless knees so they might seek you out.

Let Satan not win on this one. Let something, anything good to come from all this. I beg you sweet sweet Jesus and I humbly ask for even this prayer to be heard. Take away the victims pain, both Mother and son and allow them to heal. This would be your finest hour. In Jesus name I ask all this. Amen

Re-Post; It's Not A Mistake Any More

Psalm 19:12-14


Well folks, they handed down the verdict...I'm a sinner. Each and every day I stand a real good chance of sinning and,"the wages of sin is death."

What can I do? Is there any point in trying? I believe that there is. Why? because Christ Yeshua died on that cross for me and MY sin. Now, knowing this does not give me a license to sin. No, in fact it holds me accountable.

Each and every day and every single night I go to my heavenly Father and ask him once again to wipe the slate clean. But you can't go to him with lip service because he knows your heart, he knows your sincerity.

We all make mistakes, we all sin but the secret is to try harder to be more like Christ; to treat others as we want to be treated, to forgive as we would want to forgive, to judge as we would want to be judged and have charity for our fellow man. Now, charity and love are one and the same, if you have you should give and always try to see others through God's eyes.

I am three people;

I am who you think I am,

I am who I think I am,

I am who GOD knows I am.

Now, this is pretty basic stuff most of us learned in Sunday school. But how easy we forget these simple rules, how easy we find it to be unforgiving and scornful. How easy is it to look down your nose at someone else when you know not the root of their reason. And how very easy is it to be selfish. Selfish with our money, time, love, concern, prayers and we find it so easy to be detached and not care.

We don't have time to feel someone else's pain. We don't have time to pray for that junkie in the street. But we find the time to look down our nose at them. I truly believe with every ounce of my being that if Christ were to walk down the street and see some homeless guy panhandling, I don't think he would yell at him to,"get a job," do you?

Just as well, I don't believe Christ would be hanging out at the Country Club schmoozing and hobnobbing with the rich and talking about his new BMW. Quite frankly, I believe he would be on the streets and in the bars or outside of them trying to help and heal the truly sick, lost souls out there. Ah, the vastness of the sick and lost and if you were to only open your eyes, you would see them.

I've made so many mistakes and bad choices in my life but I know that God never deserted me through it all. How do I know this? I know because he allowed me to learn from my mistakes. At that point they are no longer mistakes but,
"learning experiences."

Yes, I was humbled when I was arrogant. I was taught empathy when I had none. I was taught to appreciate things when I was stripped of all my worldly possessions. I had to learn all about my false pride and self-will. I had to learn understanding of that which is not known.

I was stripped of my dignity but given a humble blanket to wrap up in. I was given what I needed but not what I wanted in every respect of my life. I was sentenced to death with Hep C but was given a stay of execution. I was taught that you can't put off getting your affairs in order with Christ Yeshua by waiting till the 11th hour when I almost died at 10:30. But most of all when I had no one,nothing, nada I was given the greatest gift of all...Faith.

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

The G-Ma Life #2

Believe...

My newest Grandbaby, Jaxon, well we think the one can of formula he had, out of the norm may have caused the worst diaper rash I've ever seen in my 50 years on this earth.

It was so bad that we took him to the Doctor only to be given a prescription of Bactroban. Now, I don't want to say this too loud but I do have some med experience and was already using this cream on him. My daughter-in-law did not know the name of the cream when the doctor gave her the script but she was too afraid to say we'd been using it already anyway.

I had tears in my eyes at one point as I wiped his lil' bottom and it bled. He shook in pain, it broke my heart. So, I set about doing what I could to treat it. We were rinsing his bottom off instead of using wipes. We were bathing him and allowing his butt some much needed air time to no avail.

The most important thing I've learned in these 50 years is nothing is too big or too small to pray about. I began to pray...

Back when I was in Prison and having terrible nightmares I'd learned to pray every night. They were bad but me waking up fighting, yelling and carrying on, well needless to say, my celly wasn't real happy about it. So, I'd gone to the prison Chaplain for her to minister to me on these bad dreams. At her suggestion, she told me it would be a good idea to read even a small bit of scripture before retiring. I refer to it now as, "feeding my soul" a snack before bed. She also suggested that I pray before going to sleep.

Well, it worked and I've been doing it every since. No more nightmares, not one. I often fall asleep praying as I did just the other night. I had one of those nights where I think I am awake when I am sleeping and vice versa. Whether I was alseep, is debatable but a couple of hours had passed when I was given the words, I do believe from on High. I was told to go to Jaxon's father and tell him that if he wanted his sons bottom to heal, he would get on his knees and ask.

"Good gravy Lord, but I'm comfy," I remember thinking if I didn't say it out loud. I followed the instruction and went out into the living room where I found my son, Jaxon's Dad, quietly watching T.V. and turned sideways looking at his computer on the end table. He's a night owl as are all my boys.

Now, let me set the pace here; I had religion shoved down my throat big time as a child thus I have done my best not to do the same thing. I have convictions these days that I do not instruct them enough but I do kind of tip toe around it all, not skirting but being mindful of not preaching but sharing. As well, I do not believe I've ever said anything such as this to any one of my sons.

Yes, it was a somewhat whimsical look/quizzical squint, not mockingly but questioning as I told him, "God told me to tell you that if you want Jaxon's butt to get better, you need to get on your knees and pray." I realize now that it is most assuredly a testament to how we tend to repeat things messed up or the message gets changed but, hey, I was half asleep.

The next day, I slept in but when I got up, Halena, Jaxon's Mother exclaimed to me, "Have you seen your grandson's butt?" With one eye open, I stated that I'd not been at that end yet, half laughing. "Well, when you wake up, you'll have to see it."

Again, half asleep because of the rough night before, it took me a few, quite a few actually to gather my thoughts. Halena (DIL) had not heard that I'd delivered a message straight from The Big Guy as she slept the night before.

Several hours passed and Jaxon was handed over to me so his Mom and Dad could go outside to smoke. He was due for a diaper change so I readied myself for the whole affair, you know I got the water temp right on the sink, got a clean diaper, towel, Bactroban and so on. I swallowed hard and took his diaper off...

It was completely healed!!!

Briskly, bare butt baby in hand, I went to find my son. "Did you get on your knees and pray?," I asked, really already knowing the answer. He shot me a look like "well, of course I did" to which I stuck his sons butt in his face. "Look Billy, it's all better now, " I said like some sort of maniac...which I wear very well.

Yes, do have faith cause nothing is too big or too small if you only believe!


Everyone therefore who shall confess Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven (Mt 10:32,33).

The G-Ma Life #1

I relished the moment, knowing full well it was to come to an end in just two days when I boarded the plane to go back home. This trip to Iowa was my first meeting with my grandbaby, Austen Cody, less than two years old/going on twenty...

Normally, he was running around like his ass was on fire but at the moment, this very minute, he sat calmly on my lap. His smile was huge and bright, dimples daring to speak the words he could not yet say.

He stared and studied my face, looking deeply into my eyes. I remember thinking he is gonna be a ladies man, like his Daddy, Waylon, when he grows up. The moment was surreal, calm, pleasing beyond words...

He then began to trace the lines of my lips with his little finger, ever so gently. It was so touching, my heart skipped a beat...

...and then his finger was unceremoniously rammed up my nose. With an impish but wise grin, he laughed like hell and took off.

My Prayer

My Lord, I am fearful. Please take it away. This journey of my life has been rough. I know it could be worse and I am grateful for all the good.

Please sweet Jesus, come to my rescue and speak with these Doctors tomorrow and handle my situation. I am weak and falling. Hold me up and get me through this. Trials and tribulations are here. Hold my hand and guide me through this.

I praise Your holy Name and I give thanks and praise. You are the one true God and I come before you and humbly ask for your assistance. My Lord, hold my hand throughout. Amen